Gransnet forums


Left out of Zoom

(19 Posts)
Cabbie21 Fri 25-Dec-20 14:50:00

My DH and I each have two adult children.
Yesterday we FaceTimed my daughter and we both enjoyed watching them open their presents ( a day early I know, but I gave the grandchildren dressing gowns, so they could wear them straightaway).
Today DH had arranged a Zoom call with his son who has one daughter. He has gone to take it upstairs by himself, so I am excluded!
Feeling hurt.

pollyperkins Fri 25-Dec-20 14:57:40

Oh dear that’s a bit mean! Do they usually miss you out or could there be a reason - for example planning a surprise gift for you?
Id feel a bit miffed too but probably best to keep it to to yourself rather than have a row on Christmas Day!

Hithere Fri 25-Dec-20 14:58:44

Why would he go upstairs? How weird

Cabbie21 Fri 25-Dec-20 15:00:32

To be fair I have not been included in their previous Zooms
( about once a month) but I thought today would be different.
I won’t be having a row but I might say something about being disappointed.

Hithere Fri 25-Dec-20 15:09:39

So while hurtful, it is not out of the ordinary

How is your relationship with your stepson and his family?

Does your dh know this bothers you?

Cabbie21 Fri 25-Dec-20 15:15:45

Thanks for the replies.
We each “ nurture” our relationships with our own children, but I get on fine with his son, wife and daughter. They live 100 miles away so we don’t see them very often, not at all this year of course.
DH always Zooms from his study upstairs, so I guess he just went up out of habit, to do it on his laptop, whereas we FaceTimed my daughter on my iPad.
I probably shouldn’t read anything into it, well no more than usual anyway.

Hithere Fri 25-Dec-20 15:20:13

I would recommend you talking to your dh why he is excluding you while you inc1ude him in your zooms

Cabbie21 Fri 25-Dec-20 16:48:20

Well DH remarked that there was no sign of his DIL on his Zoom , just his son and granddaughter and he thought it a bit odd. I replied that I hadn’t been in on it either and said I was a bit surprised. He made some excuse about having to be very precise to fit in with his son’s timetable.
He also Zoomed with his daughter with whom I have never had a good relationship, so I did not expect or want to be included in that Zoom.
Often the step parent gets blamed for difficulties but there are always at least two sides to every situation.

M0nica Fri 25-Dec-20 17:47:22

Why not tell your DH how you feel and reach an agreement about how you will both handle family zoom meetings in the future.

He probably didn't do it with malice aforethought, more an instinctive reaction, not thought through. I would always assume that no harm was intended, just thoughtlessness, until you have evidence to the contrary.

Cabbie21 Fri 25-Dec-20 18:15:17

I guess it is an extension of the arrangement we have with birthday and Christmas cards: he writes to his family and friends, and I write to mine. I have no complaints about that!
Many women get lumbered with doing the lot.
We realised that neither of us had actually seen the presents we each bought for the other one’s family.
When I read some reactions on other threads to the way other families operate, it must be realised that each family has their own way of doing things.

Laughterlines Fri 25-Dec-20 18:32:42

Why not shout upstairs to him - can I come and say happy Christmas to everybody- it’s possible they think you don’t want to be included. Say hello to them all and then play it by ear. Probably just a misunderstanding.

Hithere Fri 25-Dec-20 20:00:51


One thing is the wife acting as social secretary, other thing is what the dh is doing.

You need to reach an agreement of how to handle zooms

Nicegranny Fri 25-Dec-20 20:16:22

Just let these husbands have a little Christmas time with their grown up children. Does it really matter to you? They had a life before you so just suck it up and don’t make others pretend that they are so happy to see you too !

Nonogran Fri 25-Dec-20 20:43:22

I'm sorry to say I agree with Nicegranny at 2016hrs today. Sometimes children & parents need space without a 3rd party around....Let it go, .......

Hetty58 Fri 25-Dec-20 20:55:32

Yes, I'd let it go too. I think Zoom calls are just like phone calls, in that, of course, others can join in (or not) but they're usually started between two people.

I have a sibling that I can only reliably contact by email. The 'partner' always answers the phone, then dominates the conversation.

Nicegranny Fri 25-Dec-20 21:48:04

I was married twice and had a child in each marriage. Both of the women that ended up with my exes made my kids lives miserable with their control and micromanaging to be the ultimate person in ex husband’s life. I was a stepmother and my eldest stepson now knows what a disappointment his father was he love’s me and tells people so. I bought up my youngest stepson for over 25 years he decided to stay with me rather than his own father. My daughter suffered at the hands of a jealous stepmother for 22 years. Her children with him had everything that my daughter didn’t have and it was rubbed in her face. Women, some women are so insecure that they have to keep the stepchildren away and it suits them. Eventually these women suffer when the children grow up and see them for what they are and exclude them from their own children’s life. The ex wife being genuine and loving that has protected her own children from the mean and rotten things that the ex husband did and his new girlfriend backs him all the way, well that ex wife comes through all the bad times she has the love and respect of her children and the new wife is always mostly the enemy. Second wives should realise the damage that they do to their relationship with their husband’s that have children. The husband will eventually resent them.

Nicegranny Fri 25-Dec-20 21:49:33

And l will add , neither of my children respect their fathers because of the damage they allowed to happen.

Hetty58 Fri 25-Dec-20 21:54:43

Nicenanny, it's so very sad (and unnecessary) that children often suffer when parents divorce and remarry.

BlueBelle Fri 25-Dec-20 23:34:29

I too agree with Nicenanny andnonogran some people have a life outside you and some people are more private than others
You enjoy your family and he his it doesn’t seem much of a problem to me