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Not sure what to do about my good friend

(21 Posts)
Gelisajams Sat 26-Dec-20 09:36:35

Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.
I have had a good friend for about 15 years. She was originally a neighbour but we have lived in 3 houses since and are now a 2 hour journey apart. We have kept in close contact via phone and text and pre COVID at least, we were meeting up about once a month or so.
Over the years we have shared and supported each other through thick and thin.
About 6 weeks ago she discovered something in her family very distressing, and I suspect she is quite embarrassed about. We exchanged messages for a good hour, she couldn’t talk as she didn’t want her husband to hear. I sent her a text the next morning and she said she hadn’t slept properly, no surprises there but was ok. I phoned the next day and she didn’t answer. I tried phoning everyday for a week and she didn’t answer. I eventually asked by text if she ok and was she ignoring me. She said she was ok but was throwing herself into work and didn’t feel chatty.
Since then she hasn’t answered my calls or messages.
I’m really worried about her and have told her this but I’m also very sad that I seem to have been ghosted. I really miss her, and knowing she is struggling with what started this off.
How should I approach this? Do I continue to send texts to remind her I’m here for her, do I phone regularly, or do I completely leave her alone and hope she makes contact when she feels stronger?

Cabbie21 Sat 26-Dec-20 10:01:16

I guess your friend may be embarrassed that she confided in you. She is still very upset by whatever happened and doesn’t want to be reminded of it or feel the need to go over it again.
I would suggest you don’t keep texting her and just leave her to make contact in her own good time.
Maybe when the pandemic is over, or when we have been vaccinated, could be the time to get in touch for a fresh start?

Septimia Sat 26-Dec-20 10:05:41

I was also going to say to leave it for now.

Perhaps there will be an occasion - a birthday? - when it would be appropriate to get in touch and maybe you'll be able to pick things up from there.

mumofmadboys Sat 26-Dec-20 10:08:52

Could you just send a text and say you are there for her when she wants a chat or a walk but you don't want to irritate her by keep contacting her so you will wait until she contacts you. You could send your love and say you do miss your regular chats. Good luck. Hope things go back to normal with your friendship.

Moggycuddler Sat 26-Dec-20 10:10:38

Any idea why she would cut you off like this? It seems very strange. Obviously your friend is having a very bad reaction to whatever trauma it was. If I were you I would send her one last text and say that you will be there for her when she needs you or wants to talk again, but until then you will leave her alone, since this is apparently what she wishes at the moment. Hopefully she will get over this issue.

M0nica Sat 26-Dec-20 10:10:50

She is not 'ghosting you', just so overwhelmed and ashamed of what is happening that she probably doesn't want to talk to anyone.

We all act differently when something like this event happens. I had a friend who went through very difficult times, I always knew because I would be unable to make contact with her, phone calls were ignored, she just rolled herself up into a ball like a hedgehog with all the prickles outside until things got better.

I think this is what your friend is doing. Let it be, perhaps send an occasional text or email, to let her know she is still on her mind, but not asking for a reply in any way and gradually she will reappear and whe will appreciate you the more for your thoughtfulness.

Rileysnana Sat 26-Dec-20 10:11:31

I would say keep on texting her on a regular not constant basis. Let her know you're there for her if she needs you but text about other things too to make things feel more normal. She will know you are there for her and will she will open up again if she feels she has to.

Harris27 Sat 26-Dec-20 10:12:01

Leave it for now let her contact you. She might just need a bit of time with this new revelation. She could be embarrassed as well as she has confided in you.

OceanMama Sat 26-Dec-20 10:13:52

You are kind to be concerned and follow up with her but it does sound like she needs some space to deal with whatever has happened. I'm sure she will be in touch when she is ready.

Lewie Sat 26-Dec-20 10:20:35

I agree with mumofmadboys Let the dust settle for now. I’m sure your friendship will resume in due course. You sound like a lovely friend flowers

lemsip Sat 26-Dec-20 10:20:47

yes leave her for now! Sometimes when upset we can spill everything out then things settle down and we wish we had not been so 'open with a family matter'! She may be embarrassed!
If she contacts you one day, don't mention it, let her set the pace! that's what a friend does!

MagicWand Sat 26-Dec-20 10:21:20

Agree with mumofmadboys. Make it clear you'll be there for her when she feels able to contact you and be led by her when she does i.e. don't make the family situation a topic of conversation unless she raises it.

MagicWand Sat 26-Dec-20 10:24:17

Crossed posts lemsip

timetogo2016 Sat 26-Dec-20 10:28:33

It`s obvious she is going through a very horrible time and maybe she just needs space.
I would txt her and tell her to get in contact when she`s up to it then just play the waiting game.

Gelisajams Sat 26-Dec-20 10:38:15

Thank you for your replies. All are appreciated and are pretty unanimous to confirm my thinking. I just hate to think she is suffering so with both what has happened and her embarrassment. Like many things hopefully time will heal.
I will send another text in a few days reminding her I am thinking about her but will leave her alone until she is ready, but will send some flowers in a few weeks time near to her birthday. 🌸

mumofmadboys Sat 26-Dec-20 10:44:35

You sound like a lovely friend

readalot Sat 26-Dec-20 11:01:49

I think I would leave it for now. It sounds as if she is embarrassed about telling you. Maybe send a text in a few weeks time and chat about normal things but don't mention whatever her problem was about.

sodapop Sat 26-Dec-20 12:47:09

I think that is the right thing to do Gelisajams you are indeed a good friend.

Hithere Sat 26-Dec-20 13:31:54

She may need some time to readjust.

I would just text her saying: hope you are doing well.

NotTooOld Sat 26-Dec-20 13:41:35

Mumofmadboys is right. That's what I would do. Good luck. Hope it gets sorted soon.

SynchroSwimmer Sat 26-Dec-20 14:01:15

From experience, I would say when you do chat next - don’t bring up her current worrying issue yourself in the conversation.

Let her chat, about other things, you do the same, and then when she does bring up the subject in her own time, then maybe just listen sympathetically?

I had the same with a friend 2 days ago, I knew she was troubled - but waited for her to bring up the subject privately when she was ready. It was appreciated, and better than me overtly asking her about xyz.

Similarly, I have been on the receiving end of people making me feel worse by ringing me solely to “address my problems”

Best to deal with it organically, let it grow, be supportive but when she brings the subject up?