Do you spend similar on adult children & partner

I'm not sure why you would persist in this when you know it upsets your son.

I spend the same on 4 sons, 4 wives and 6 grandchildren even though I’m closer to some DILs than others. Only closer because two live in other countries and we don’t see them often. If they ever get gifts and money each half gets the same money.

We never ever make a difference between the girls or either half because DILs are very important people.

@MamaCaz I would be upset. But that’s because me and my husband are equal relations to my Son. Whereas obviously Son is my child and DIL isn’t.

@OceanMama He has complained before about things I have supposedly done wrong but I thought things were better between us in recent years. Even when I think it’s been him and DIL in the wrong, I have tried to just move past it otherwise we wouldn’t see them.

It would be easy for me to spend more on my daughter as I just find her easier to buy for. In practice, I do make sure to gift my daughter and son-in-law equally.

I wonder if they perceive this sentiment reflected in other parts of the relationship with you, which is why your son said something? My MIL often sent out the message that it was her son and her grandchildren who she was interested in and I wasn't important. It's not a good feeling.

Saranine.

Just out of interest, how would you feel if your son gave your husband a thoughtfully-chosen Christmas present of great value, and just gave you a token gift.
Would neither of you think it odd, and actually start to be upset by it if it was happening every Christmas (and birthday too probably)? Wouldn't your husband be upset by it too?

I know the relationship is not exactly the same, but nevertheless your son and his wife are a couple, like you and your husband, so she is a close
member of your family.

And one little thing for the adults to unwrap as well ?

3 children, 6 grandchildren. Each family get the same. Although my daughter is now divorced, she gets the same as the other two. Money means nothing to toddlers, so I also wrap a little something for them to unwrap on Xmas day ...

I think I might actually spend more on my DIL as I find it easier to think of presents for girls!

@M0nica That’s exactly my feelings. I was really taken aback by my Son’s comments and my husband was angry as well when I told him.

@Baggs I do acknowledge that she is a good Mum etc.

@Kim19 Exactly. I think they should just be appreciative. I would only ever express gratitude for any presents I was given.

@geekesse Surely not everyone loves their Daughter or Son in laws as much as they do their own children? I can’t help how I feel.

@Grandmabatty But other posters have said they think my Son was being ungrateful. I have accepted that he believes I’m in the wrong and I am going to consider my behaviour. But I clearly am not the only person to think my Son is making a big deal unnecessarily.

I have always bought a little something for girlfriends but they are married with children so I have been buying more for her since they married. I buy for the Grandchildren as well.

momb that's hard for them especially now with the pandemic

Thx Jane. We now treat our DS 's partner equally to our son as they have been together for 4 years but living together for less. As it happens they have just got jobs in different countries as the job market is so difficult at the mo and DS's partner is from abroad. They hope later in the year to get jobs in the same place.

We decided a few years ago to only buy presents for the grandchildren but do secret santa with ourselves and adult children - works really well

momb I think the time to consider partners as equals in the present-giving department is when they start living together, are married, enter a civil partnership, or have a child, whichever comes first. All these demonstrate commitment.

My DMiL had very little money but she always gave me the same as MrA got, and generously too.
I’ve followed her example in that respect and in other ways too.

Saranine
Let me get this right - so not only did you give your son more gifts than you gave your DiL, but you even gave him cash to spend entirely on himself on top of that?

You don't say so, but I'm also hazarding a guess that even without taking the cash into account, your dil's presents were worth (a lot?) less than your son's.

I'm not surprised he was hurt / indignant on her behalf. He would probably much prefer you to reduce the value of his gifts rather than continue to do this. That's how I would feel in his position, anyway!

I doubt his reaction has anything to do with the monetary value itself, but everything to do with the blatant disparity and what it says about how little you think of his wife, your daughter-in-law.

I try to find out what my Dd and Sil would like , I try to spend the same amount on all, same with My GD, s I spend the same amount on them too, I learnt this years ago when my MIL would buy more expensive gifts for her other Grandchildren and a lot less on mine and it showed in the gift , we never ever would have commented , but it hurt me very much as I didn’t have my parents alive then and I felt she was just competing with the other MIL , My gifts this year were loved by all so I am happy I did the homework , as it wasn’t easy this year with not being able to get out shopping , I didit all online ,

Not sure why you wouldn't spend the same on a DDiL or DSil as you would your own adult DC. We always spend the same on a personal gift or give them cash between them both.

I think one of the reasons I disliked my in laws was because of the way I was treated re gifts. They always gave DH lovely things. I got a box of chocs and two pairs of tights (American tan). The Christmas I was eight months pregnant with my first I didn't even get the chocolates. I was given two blankets for the baby.

My in laws were blood line only types. Me and sister-in-law's husband used to joke that we were only tolerated because we were needed to produce the grand children.

Once they are a couple as opposed to just a boy friend or girl friend be fair surely.

I think it's a good rule to buy for children only. There's no problems with getting the 'right' thing, making it fair etc. - or finding the money as the family gets bigger.

I certainly wouldn't buy for anyone ungrateful!

I don’t remember ever receiving a birthday or Christmas present from my mother in law, but she did occasionally buy a very generous gift for our wedding anniversary, sometimes a painting or a rug, which she chose for our home (which she sometimes referred to as B’s house (her son’s). I never felt as an integrated member of her family. Consequently I always try to treat my DIL as an equally valued and loved member of our family and gifts are as equal for her as for my children. However, I totally agree with mumofmadboys’ comment about judging when a son or daughter’s partner becomes a life partner and I would want to get that right, so that the boyfriend/girlfriend feels included at the appropriate time. It’s a easier call to make if/when they actually marry.

I give the same amount to my dd and sil. My ds and his partner gets the same amount to. I consider them family as they love my children and are good to me too. I don't think you want to hear that though, as you keep returning to make the same point.

I don't honesty think our daughter and son-in-law will have ever given this a thought.

Saranine, you say ‘I care about them both. But I love my Son, I am not close enough to this DIL that I would say I “love her”.’

Then excuse me for saying that your love for your son sounds more like ownership or tribalism that genuine love. He has chosen to share every aspect of his life now and for the future, and possibly have your grandchildren, with this woman. You don’t see him as someone whose life has expanded to include the woman he has married. All you see is your son and his appendage. No wonder he ‘wasn’t impressed’! You really, really need to rethink this.

My parents were very kind and generous people! They both lived through a very hard war and didn't have a lot but what ever they had they would share and they bought my Brother and I up equally. So I've always lived by that rule too. If its good enough for one, its good enough for them all. I use a sliding scale, but different amounts of money. My Daughter, son and their partners all get the same and its the same for Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren. No favouritism then they can't fall out! Loll I can't cope mean people. I hate family dramas and we all help each other if we can? Basically because lifes to short to fall out!
Saying all that I married into a family that was completely opposite to how I'd been bought up! I wasn't well liked by my M-in-L and she caused a lot of bad feeling with her children and their offspring! I learnt a lot in the first years of my marriage about equality and diversity and when I divorced and remarried 13 years later it was to a very kind man who had been bought up the same as me! We have been married 27 years now and he treats my Children and family exactly the same and my Children think the world of him!

In these days where girlfriends become partners and not necessarily wives one has to
sort of decide when the relationship is permanent and your common law DIL becomes like a DD and has an equal present to your DS. It is not always easy to know at what point to treat them exactly like your own.

I'd better not read this thread to my DS - he'll be asking where his cheque is ?

I gave them both exactly what I wanted to give them. As it just so happens this year son's partner had hugely more in monetary value. Who cares? They were both happy with what they received and that did it for me. I was even there when they unwrapped. No pretence. Gosh........