Do you spend similar on adult children & partner

We have a target sum for presents for AC and their other halves. Exactly the same. I would hate to think my AC were treated differently by their partners’ parents.
Slightly off subject but a friend’s children were treated very differently by her mil. The son used to be showered with gifts and money, the daughter got very little. MiL preferred boys! ?

No. I am sorry but you have made a mistake. You can never expect to have a close relationship with your DIL if you continue to treat her this way. I have 5 adult 'children' but I also have their various assorted partners! As the parent of adult children I think I have to try very hard to like all of them. I certainly love each of my children but I do not necessarily like them all of the time! No, the best way is to gift money to both of them and keep gifts equal in quantity and value.

I spoke to my Son again today after he rang to say happy new year. It seems that he is holding a grudge over different things I have “done wrong” and so it wasn’t just about the money. I feel like he never lets things go and constantly wants to punish me.

Saranine

@MamaCaz It would just be nice to know that my Son had thought of me by sending me photos of the Grandchildren that’s all. It’s like he’s checked out of our relationship by letting DIL do it all.

I can understand that. It's nice to feel that our children care and are interested. It must hurt a bit to feel he has checked out.

I don't know why but my husband is like this as well with his family. I don't think it's that he doesn't care. He just doesn't, and has never, 'done it' as far as social and contacting/connecting things. I'm sure it's not personal.

Given this is the situation though, your DIL is your key to being connected to the family. Why not build a relationship with her? I'd have loved it if my MIL had wanted to spend time with me and become a friend to me. Instead she made it very clear where my place was, alienated me, resulting in her son's efforts to connect being all she could rely on. He still doesn't 'do it' socially and my MIL has lost out as a result.

Saranine

@Stilton I have definitely taken people’s opinions on board. I said early on in the thread that I would give a joint gift next Christmas. I’m just discussing with people to get my thoughts straight. It’s not just the money, it’s if I really am as in the wrong as my Son makes out.

The thing is, this is probably not really about the gift. For someone to get annoyed about the gifting issue, I think it's likely part of a bigger picture where this dynamic of DIL feeling like an extra, because of your actions, is the real and ongoing problem. I'm not saying I'm right here but do think about whether there could be any truth in it.

Saranine had my mil waited for cards and presents from dh she would never have received anything! I think it’s something about men’s psychies that they tend to leave it up to their wives. Nothing to do with control. Does your dh send cards and presents or is it down to you?

@Stilton I have definitely taken people’s opinions on board. I said early on in the thread that I would give a joint gift next Christmas. I’m just discussing with people to get my thoughts straight. It’s not just the money, it’s if I really am as in the wrong as my Son makes out.

Saranine, so if I’ve read all your posts correctly, your DiL is the person who takes the trouble to keep you in touch with the children, and your son appears to have ‘checked out’. Yet still you overtly favour your son and marginalise your DiL.

This describes perfectly the situation in my own household. Eventually, after many years, I had enough. I told DH it was now on him to do all these things. Because I'm not doing it, MIL hasn't seen us physically in over ten years. She knows next to nothing about us. She doesn't and won't know if/when she is a great grandmother.

If DIL decides to leave it to her DH, your son, will you blame her for what your son doesn't do himself?

Saranine, so if I’ve read all your posts correctly, your DiL is the person who takes the trouble to keep you in touch with the children, and your son appears to have ‘checked out’. Yet still you overtly favour your son and marginalise your DiL.

There is more to this than meets the eye. It may be that DS is fed up with being Mummy’s darling boy and wants out. It may be that he is hurt that his mother won’t recognise his wife properly. Whatever it is, Saranine, I think you have a bigger problem here than a spat over one Christmas present. I think DiL is being a bigger person than you or your son, and if you can’t see that, you’ll lose them all.

Saranine

You have asked a question but you aren't listening to everyone's answers. You are only responding and taking on board any who agree with your view. Did you actually want to consider viewpoints or only look for vindication?

Having read through the whole thread you simply can't seem to appreciate your son's viewpoint and are being antagonistic about your DiL. How dare she deem to send you pictures, after all she's only the mother of your grandchildren.

I wouldn't worry about it, Saranine. It's just part of the natural division of labour that happens in a marriage, and is perfectly normal. I would try not to take it personally if I were you.

@MamaCaz It would just be nice to know that my Son had thought of me by sending me photos of the Grandchildren that’s all. It’s like he’s checked out of our relationship by letting DIL do it all.

I know this started as a simple post regarding present giving, but the more we learn, the more unbelievable this all sounds.

Bliley, Saranine, I can't imagine having a preference over which parent sends me photos of my grandchildren.
I actually find it nice that my DiLs care enough to share their photos with me on a regular basis, and it would never ever cross my mind to interpret it as a slight on my sons!

Poor you, having a considerate DiL who both involves you, and relieves your precious son from tedious tasks such as sharing photos. How inconsiderate of her.
She should know her place and stick to ironing his shirts and having a good meal on the table each day so he can concentrate on being in charge.

Do you not actually like anything that your DiL does?

The photo issue is down to your son rather than your dil though saranine, I honestly dont think it matters who sends you photos. In fact that's probably down to women ending up doing most of the life admin stuff.

@henetha I’ve not got a big issue with spending the same on DIL. I just don’t like that it’s “expected” and my Son has made a big deal out of it. Rather than just being appreciative.

@Galaxy Exactly. It’s not odd to love your child more than their partner.

@Ellet DIL does message me photos of my Grandchildren which is nice. But to be fair, I would rather my Son send them. I often think that DIL tries to take over and be in charge rather than letting my Son send them to me.

@shabby Thank you, it’s nice that your understand I really don’t think I have behaved so badly in this situation.

@Doodledog I agree, each family does things differently and there shouldn’t be a right or wrong. My Son should accept that’s the way I feel and want to gift.

Let’s be clear. The way you are thinking is wrong.

Wow! I wish I could be so sure that I was right about things

I don't think there is a right and wrong here. People just see things differently, and all points of view are equally valid. My mum always gets spouses more of a token gift than she buys for her own children, whereas my MIL has always treated us equally. Neither my husband nor I is remotely bothered by this - we accept what we are given gracefully, as we were brought up to do.

I can't believe that people are attaching so much to the cost of a present. I don't even think that there is any coded message about the relative value placed on the recipients.

When my children were small, I always made sure that if I bought something for one (eg slippers or new clothes) I got something equivalent for the other. After the age of about 12 (from memory - it may have been younger) they were old enough to understand that this wasn't necessary and that things would even out over time. As children, I always spent equivalent amounts on them at Christmas and for birthday presents, but nobody is bothered now.

As adults they wouldn't dream of comparing their presents, much less taking offence if one had a more expensive one than the other, although obviously I wouldn't buy one a world cruise and the other a box of sweets!

As regards their partners, sometimes one or both couples asks for a joint present - other times they don't. I suppose I spend roughly equal amounts on all of them, but if they haven't asked for something in particular I tend to get a few smaller things rather than risk getting a main present that is not what they really want, and I certainly don't record every pound I spend to make sure that one doesn't get more than another - my children or their partners.

As this has caused problems for the OP, it might need to be addressed, but I don't think I would be happy to be pressured into spending money on anyone in that way. I would probably give them a cash gift to share, and let them divide it up how they liked. Other gifts can be given throughout the year 'just because'.

That's lovely geekesse but again all families are different I would rather spend time with friends than my cousins for example and I a sure they feel the same about me. Peoples families are different, what sounds lovely to you would be an absolute nightmare for others. We need to just let people organise their families in the way they want to. If as in ops case its causing difficulties it needs to be resolved. I dont judge peoples hearts if they choose to mostly spend time with their immediate family.

<musing>

Perhaps this is a hidden desire to limit the size of the family for fear that the love might run out?

You can be parsimonious with your heart and choose to limit family to self, spouse, our children, our grandchildren. Or you can be profligate with your love and have a huge family which encompasses self, spouse, children, their spouses, grandchildren, step-children and step-grandchildren. If you have them, you could add in siblings and spouses, nephews, nieces and partners.

Our annual family gathering has so many people we have to hire a room in the local pub because none of us has a house big enough. It’s a rule that no-one is obliged to come - they are all invited, but I never want anyone to feel they have to be there unless they want to. The teenagers tend to go through a phase of not coming, but apart from that, all come, and then I know they all want to be together with me. The joy I get from that each year repays any effort I had to make to love new members of the family.

I treat DS and family all the same, she married DS, DDiL is my daughter two. As my DMil used to say #'It takes two to make a bargain and my lovely beloved grandchildren owe as much to their mother as their father that they are the people they are.

my boys are my boys

Good grief!
They are grown men, presumably, with wives and perhaps families.

I'm with you Saranine my boys are my boys and they get more than my DILs, who are also treated generously. No problems in our family with this.

Ellet - it's lovely when it works out so well.

I didn’t get on at all well with my Mil but she always bought me gorgeous Christmas presents and some really weird ones for my husband. She couldn’t understand that his neck size wasn’t the same at 40 as it had been when he lived ‘at home’ up to his mid 20’s.
I lavish gifts on my DiL, I have 2 sons and she has become a daughter to me, she is the lynchpin in the family. I think my son might phone once a month whereas she phones and messages me all the time. Yes, it is possible to love a DiL as much as a son.

Geekesse I am sorry but that's not the way it works in many families, all families are different, in this case it is upsetting people so needs to be resolved. I love my parents more than my in laws, although I care for my in laws, I am sure my fil loves his son more than me. It causes no one any pain, because I am grown up, families dont operate by set rules.

Saranine

@OceanMama I’m not sidelining her. But my primary relationship is with my Som and Grandchildren. I don’t see why that’s sidelining DIL.

Saranine, try saying instead “my primary relationship is with my son and his family”. Go on, say it out loud, and repeat it until it sticks. You don’t have to be ‘close to’ someone to love them. Your son, DiL and their children are one unit.

Let’s be clear. The way you are thinking is wrong. You have already caused tension, and you may cause long term damage to the relationship. You have it within your power to change that. A good start would be equal gifts, but you have to go further than that. You absolutely have to see your DiL as equally important as your son.

Try this. She may be the only person in the world who loves your son as much as you do. You and she have that crucial thing in common. You didn’t even choose to love him - you are just his Mum. But she chose to show her love by marrying him and having his children. She did it even though his Mother wasn’t very welcoming, and she has put up with your showing that every Christmas without complaining because she loves your son enough not to want to hurt you. Can’t you love her for that?