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Husband's relationship with daughter is worrying

(16 Posts)
SueJW2106 Thu 07-Jan-21 15:21:00

My husband retired early about five years ago and got into a routine. When Covid hit last March, one of our daughters, and her boyfriend, had to leave London and come to live with us as they both lost their jobs because of the virus. They are both very messy and my daughter has mental health issues that cause this and a lot of what my husband and I say or do acts as triggers to her.
My husband and daughter have always had a very rocky relationship and he will dwell on things that she hasn't done (such as put her clothes away, cleaned the bathroom etc) and then blow his top at her if she happens to point out something he may have done 'wrong'.
We asked them to contribute towards the cost of their food, which was difficult as neither of them was working for the first five months, but the boyfriend raided his savings as he realised it was getting difficult for my husband not to have any sort of contribution. Since then, our daughter has found a job (which she hates) and is on furlough at the moment, so she does have some money. She has only paid us one lot of food money since October and gets annoyed when we mention it to her.
We had a great Christmas and New Year, and then hubby and daughter had a big row (because hubby came into the kitchen while daughter and I were busy cooking, and he was getting in the way of both of us) and hubby wants to throw them both out. He even suggested we use the money my parents left me when they died to give them something to live on and hope that the brutality of what he wants to do will force them both to get better jobs. I told him I thought he was being unreasonable and that my parents would hate what he's trying to do.
I agree with him that they're both too messy and that they should both have jobs and pay their way, but there are very few jobs and too many people going for them, and I wonder if he would throw a physically disabled person out on the street when they have very little to help them survive.
I'm considering moving out, as I am appalled at this side of his personality that my husband is showing, but that would definitely mean our daughter and her boyfriend would be evicted if hubby is left to his own devices. I feel like a referee between my own family. They're both grown up, so I don't think I should have to do this. I'm at my wits end and have started over-eating and drinking, and am having panic attacks because of hubby's continued nastiness.
He isn't like this with anyone else - he bends over backwards to help his mum and sister (who treat him like dirt and are always leaving him out of 'family' things), or other people (always female) who aren't any part of our family. It's like he does this so that people tell him what a good person he is. He's Jeckyll and Hyde.
I may be getting this out of proportion, so I'd appreciate any pearls of wisdom some of you might have.

Oopsadaisy1 Thu 07-Jan-21 15:43:06

It’s always tough when adult ‘children’ move back home isn’t it?
Did you agree with your husband that this was the best thing to do, before they moved in with you? Maybe that’s part of the problem?
you have to make some rules, you shouldn’t have to referee between your DH and your DD, tell your daughter and her boyfriend that they have to clear up behind them and then if they don’t You tell them off, it sounds as though you are putting up with the mess and tidying up yourself instead of making them responsible and your DH ends up as the bad guy.
Could you get them to stay in their own room(s) , can they have their own TV or computer so that you and your husband can have some time together without others, if they refuse to be tidy.
TBH unless you set some rules or have room to allow them and yourselves some space it won’t work and I feel a bit sorry for your husband who is used to having a tidy and uncramped house.
Time to present a united front as you did when they were children and treat them as the adults that they are. If they don’t do as you ask then tell them that they are free to move on.

Peasblossom Thu 07-Jan-21 15:47:25

He may not be expressing it in a good way, but he is absolutely right. Of course your daughter and her boyfriend should be contributing to household expenses and should be buying their own food. They should be carrying out regular household tasks. They are adults and you are enabling them to behave as if they are small children.

They should at least be covering their expenses from wages and unemployment benefit.

The fact that he’s prepared to give them money to move out shows how desperate he’s become and I don’t think that’s a good idea either. Reward them for their bad behaviour.!

There’s absolutely no incentive for them to grow and be responsible. Help them to have a happy life by a bit of tough love.

Kamiso Thu 07-Jan-21 16:05:00

Is it time to have a serious talk as a family before things get so bad they can't be retrieved? Isn't there a quote about guests being like fish - they go off after 3 days?

Perhaps agree that they can be as untidy as they like in their own bedroom but not in the rest of the house.

Also that they need to either buy and cook their own food (try and make some cupboard space to keep it separate). Keep some grocery shopping bills to show them and ask them to pay their fair share.

Make it clear that it's your house, your rules.

It's not really fair to expect them to find better paid jobs during a pandemic but I guess your OH is frustrated at having his home invaded and to some extent disrespected.

sodapop Thu 07-Jan-21 16:28:34

I agree with the last two posters, your daughter and her partner are being disrespectful. I can understand your husband feeling as he does but he could be a little more sympathetic as well.
I think you should all sit down together calmly and agree some new house rules as Kamiso said. Good luck.

GagaJo Thu 07-Jan-21 16:55:35

Your house, your rules. I know this only too well. My adult daughter and grandson live with me (well, when I am in the UK).

I compromise in that I understand the house gets messy during the day (toddler) but that it is cleaned completely as soon as he goes to bed. Kitchen, living room, stairs, bathroom. The only place I don't insist on being cleaned nightly is daughters bedroom.

The amount of housework drives her nuts. But if she doesn't like it, the alternative is living in a tiny flat somewhere, on the breadline.

GagaJo Thu 07-Jan-21 16:56:23

Oh, and despite having very little money, she contributes to the grocery bill AND pays for the internet connection.

PollyDolly Thu 07-Jan-21 17:06:14

What Gagajo said!

welbeck Thu 07-Jan-21 17:08:26

chuck 'em out.
why are they there anyway. why didn't they stay where they were and claim benefits.
do you like playing mommy bear. sounds like it. they are not children. tell them to sling their hook.
i feel sorry for your husband. why should he have to live under these conditions, in his own house, after a life of hard work and hard-earned retirement.
you seem to bear some resentment towards your husband. i think the present situation is untenable. either they go or he does.

EllanVannin Thu 07-Jan-21 17:13:12

Tell them to go to the local housing department at the Town Hall to say that they're homeless. You can't put up with this nonsense it's going to affect your health.

Sara1954 Thu 07-Jan-21 17:16:28

We also have an adult daughter and her family living with us. I am probably a bit obsessively tidy, and she is the messiest person you could imagine, and so are the children. But we love them all, and know they’re all happy here, so although I nag a bit, mostly I bite my tongue, and think, this too will pass, and when it does it will be a million times better if we’re on good terms.
I do get resentful, because I feel my husband’s life goes on pretty much as normal, whereas mine has changed beyond recognition.

Hithere Thu 07-Jan-21 17:19:46

May I ask if your dh agreed to them moving in?

Were cohabitation rules agreed upon before moving in?

How your daughter managing her mental health?
What comments your dh says that upset her?

What was the fight in the kitchen about?

Was the length of the stay discussed?

Your house your rules but it is their house now too and they are adults. Telling them what to do is not going to work (dont be messy, clean the room, pay for groceries, etc)

Your husband is on his last straw and sounds like he has good reasons for it

Bottom line, the arrangement is no longer working

Desdemona Thu 07-Jan-21 17:32:43

At the very least they should be keeping any mess confined to their own room and contributing to utility bills and buying their own food.

It should also be made clear to them that staying with you and your husband is a short term measure only.

Sara1954 Thu 07-Jan-21 17:55:19

It’s easy for people to have all the answers, and in your heart, you probably know they’re right. But it’s not so easy to be harsh with your own family, the problem with us I think, is that although she wasn’t raised this way, she’s oblivious to all the mess around her, whereas I can’t stand it, different expectations.
Maybe it’s worse for your husband because he’s retired, and no one can go anywhere, so they are all on top of each other. Not ideal!

Missfoodlove Thu 07-Jan-21 18:01:59

Our son has moved home after 7 years overseas.

He has 2 months grace re board and lodging but has to clean his part of the house weekly, change his bed etc.
He also has to cook some meals.

He is applying for jobs all over the UK and has interviews most days with recruiters or companies.

The ground rules were set before he came home.

Toadinthehole Fri 08-Jan-21 16:37:24

Can I just you have a good relationship with each of them? Were you and your husband happy before they moved in? I personally wouldn’t have had the boyfriend, even if they’ve been together years....there’s no commitment. Then you only have your daughter to worry about, which I understand completely. However, it shouldn’t be to the detriment of you and your husband, unless there were already underlying problems there.
I think if you ask the boyfriend to leave, your daughter could simply follow, or stay and be the same, but you could possibly deal with it better if it’s just her. It may be dislike for him, which is lurking in the background of your husband’s behaviour.
It may make your daughter worse of course, but you are under no obligation to take and look after, her boyfriend, and he shouldn’t expect you to.
All the best.