Articles from MIL’s house

If this is recent, maybe it's too raw still for him to get rid of his mother's stuff...going through it would be part of the grief process. Could you agree to it coming temporarily and with a time limit...so he can choose a certain amount to keep.

I can never see the point in putting things in a loft.Have you room somewhere in the house for him to keep the items if they're not big.perhaps he could make a nice memory box.He will perhaps have another sort out later on and get rid of some books perhaps,but he won't if they're up in the loft

Well his mother has passed away so I can understand that he would want certain things coming into the house, and why shouldn’t he,it’s his house too, I’m sure you can come to some sort of arrangement when my parents died I had quite a bit of their items come into the house, my husband wasn’t a bit bothered he loved my parents too, things don’t have to be on show, I would be more concerned that my husband was ok than worried about what he wanted to bring back, there are always ways and means, hopefully you can come to some agreement,

When my Mum died in 2012 I brought lots of her things home, all memories to me and sentimental attachment. Now, 8 years later, I find I can slowly part with these things and have come to the conclusion it was all part of my grieving process. It is hard to simply "dispose of" someone's whole life as soon as they've died. Let him grieve in his own way first.

This thread has made me feel quite guilty as I am the hoarder having read a book many years ago entitled Don't Throw Anything Away as it might come in useful some time. My parents and inlaws were not hoarders but lots of things in their houses I thought I might have a use for sometime and kept. In fact I do use MiL's poole pottery casserole dish with a handle every time I make a casserole and it is very useful. We do have a big house so there is room for everything but I now feel it will be a terrible task for the next generation to sort. I must get busy !

My OH is also a hoarder. We had a considerable problem when we cleared our parents' houses out and they didn't have much. I said it wasn't fair on our daughter having to go through all our things when the time came as we had twice as much and it was time consuming, plus she would just bin it and probably throw away valuable stuff which we would have been appalled at.

We started selling things on eBay and up to now have raise over £5500. Anything that has been put aside "just in case" has now been thrown or sold and if a"just in case" moment came about could be bought from the eBay money.

A word of warning though eBay can be quite addictive!

I'm another army brat, so only keep things I actually use, plus a couple of things of my mother's. But my DH is definitely one for keeping things 'in case they come in useful'. I now refuse to even try and clean his bedroom or his study - both of which are very dusty right now. Every now and then I take everything off his shelves and pile it on his bed and give him the duster!
On another topic, if I may, I note that a couple of GNs have mentioned the possibility of renting out houses. I have been a landlord for many years and would happily give information and advice if anyone would like them. It is not a simple business these days as there are very many rules and regulations.

I get your angst about this, I really do because my husband was the same. However, somebody at the time pointed out that he was already dealing with the loss of his Mum and he wasn't ready to part with all her things too. It took him about 12 months to put his childhood home on the market and right up to the last minute, he wasn't sure he wanted to sell it. He brought loads of things back to our house when it finally sold but over the years, he has gradually agreed that there are somethings just not worth keeping and we have sold others. We still have a way to go but but I would like to think that in similar circumstances he would be understanding about my Mum's stuff. Believe you me, we'll have so much to regime after she goes because she is a real hoarder!

I have the same problem and have still got MIL stuff since she dies 11 years ago. He will forget what he has so keep chipping away boxing stuff up and putting in the roof. Be discreet, little by little until it reaches a stage you can put up with.

I have kept all my special cards threw the years in a suitcase out of the way,one day my family will see them as i have kept cards they gave me as children and hope they may take them rather than throw them away.

Forgot to say, the Swedish have a word, Dostadning, which means death cleaning, literally tidying things up for the next generation. It sounds very thoughtful to me.

I sympathise! Hoarding seems to run in my in-laws genes, and I’m not Marie Kondo by any means. When my MIL died it took weeks to clear out the house and loads of stuff was professionally stored pro tem which cost quite a lot of money, only to be thrown out eventually. It was a depressing time and I’m determined my children won’t have the same melancholy duty. You don’t mention the next generation, but if you have children, could you point out gently how depressing and time consuming it will be for them one day?

My husband is a bit of a hoarder too - he goes by the rule that it might come in useful! He has lots of things from his early and professional life which are of no interest to anyone else but when his parents died he kept nothing. I’m somewhere on the fence. I have a few things of sentimental value from my early life but kept quite few bits from my parents - lots of photos which I’ve annotated and out into albums and a few special items like a Father Christmas model they had - still very presentable. I guess we all cherish different things.

Do you have family? With DH knowledge ask them what they will do with all the hoarded stuff once you are both gone or even if home is sold for care purposes. We carded 50 years if stuff around until 11 years ago when family were asked to go and rummage at their own stuff in the attic to see what they wanted to take away or throw out. Had had also sorted out stuff regarded as worthwhile keeping and asked if they thought they would be interested in any if it. Basically a big No. Most went in a skip. Your DH should consider what will happen when he isn't here so why hold onto it all now. Sometimes think people who hoard have some kind of insecurity about letting go of emotions. Your DH needs a big shed!

One thing I would say is to try and find sonewhere else for the photographs other than the loft or a shed- if they get damp at all the photos tend to stuck together and are ruined.
My father had at one time been a professional photographer and had a few shoe boxes of photos he had taken which were stored in the bottom of their big wardrobe. As a child I spent many an hour in there looking at these photos. He had one of the Prince of Wales (Edward VIII) on Jersey which he had taken.
When he was about 80 he had a few TIAs and mostly recovered from them but he did then do strange things and we think during one of these spells he burnt all the photos plus far more recent ones of family gatherings and their golden wedding. That was a source of sorrow but I think to this day my sister thinks I have the golden wedding ones but I am not guilty!

DH is a terrible hoarder and keeps buying (DH, DS and I are all book collectors with no space anywhere and not enough bookshelves). I regularly start a serious declutter, but am over-ruled, but new year's resolution is to complete serious declutter - Marie Kondo points out that this can take 6 months out of the rest of one's life. MIL is 88 and when she goes, we will inherit her house and possessions, (including yet more books!) but I'm absolutely determined that whether we stay in our council house and let her house, or whether we move into hers, we will have to go minimalist!

When my MIL moved into a home, and her house had to be sold, there were lots of photos, all with dates written on the back and who the people were.
She had vascular dementia and didn't want any kind of photo near her, which was very sad.
So I went through the photos, throwing out duplicates, and those that had no people in. Then whittled them down to give a story of her an FIL's lives. I made up a few albums, which came out at her wake, and were much enjoyed.
I think she would have approved.

Dear Cocol, You only have to watch the Repair Shop to see how items from the past provide so much meaning to people. Are you able to discuss why they are so important to him and agree a compromise? You say he is usually reasonable.

My DH is a dreadful hoarder, anything that came fromhis home before we married - not to be touched (we have been married nearly 51 years). His record cabinet full of record which he won't play or get rid of, when we move house the house has to have a lounge large enough for his parents 2 piece suite. He regards the floors as his filing cabinets (ignore my filing cabinet which I made room for his stuff in. I've got to the stage I ignore it for my own sanity!

He's not ready to say goodbye. I brought so much stuff back when I lost my M but am gradually letting go of it

My DH is the same. He is very into history so I have war memorabilia around the house which I hope eventually he will transfer to our spare room. We have flags,helmets the lot. At first I got really annoyed about the amount of stuff he was buying in ebay but as per another post its his house as well and we are healthy and happy so I grin and bear it. My clothes and shoes are another matter.

My husband was the same when his mum died 5 years ago. Due to his grief and sentimentality we brought boxes of stuff home. Over the years we have let go of much of it. He wanted to look through things and remember the happy times as much as anything. We now just have a couple of items of furniture, a tea service and bits and bobs around the house.

Be patient with your husband. He needs time to adjust. Maybe suggest he takes photos of the things he likes, that you really don’t have room for, and makes a memory album. You can order professionally made ones online very cheaply.

Correction “ still in a box”

For years I worked with people who needed to declutter their homes, for many different reasons, divorce, moving house, downsizing or just because living in chaos had become too much. I am afraid that actual 'hoarding' is a genuine and all too real problem that can only get worse if not tackled. It is the hoarder who needs to firstly, acknowledge that it is their problem and secondly to begin the long, slow process of letting go for themselves. Simply 'tidying up' a hoarder doesn't work. However there are people who don't know how to keep tidy. My son has difficulty organising his life. Simple 'how-to' lessons work well here. Hoarding or being attached to objects is a condition where everything has meaning and is considered to be important or necessary. People do try the 'one-in, one-out rule', the 'keep it in you own space' rule and sometimes it works, it gives structure to someone who feels chaotic. But actual hoarding is a mental health issue where the person may need outside help to deal with inner problems. Getting your DH to ADMIT it is a problem is your goal! All that said, it is his home too and maybe he just wants it to feel that way by surrounding himself with familiar things while he is grieving. His things are his comfort blanket, for now

I am very ruthless about not keeping things, I think it goes back to moving house five times in eight years when I was first married. Our rule was, anything that was still in a bad from the last move, did not get taken to the new house! There were one or two exceptions but not many.

We’ve just had to empty my mums house after she went in a care home so that we can rent it out. I offered to store some small items mainly because my sister in the US cannot get here to choose a few things for her to keep. But we still filled two skips of household items which none of us wanted, although quite a lot was removed by skip divers overnight!

It was emotionally very hard and every now and again I think about something we threw away and have slight regrets..