Articles from MIL’s house

I have a confession, I am the hoarder! But my DH has been patient with me and when I kept my late DF's checked cotton shirts, he thought I'd lost the plot! However, my DM, my DS and various GC have or will have, memory bears made from the fabric. I love doing this and know he would have approved. They seem to have been well received. Maybe a little lateral thinking might help?!

One thing in for one thing out. It’s probably part grieving but the behaviour could also be a sign of mental illness that is treatable

Lucca

One of the reasons I like living alone is that I no longer have to throw things away under cover of darkness I.e. when husband was away for work. “It might come in handy “
He stayed in many hotels as a sales rep and brought home every single free soap shampoo etc . We had bags and bags full. I am not the tidiest of women but I don’t hoard clutter !!
You have my sympathy but no solution!

Each time we moved house I disposed of a load of "might be useful" stuff. He never missed it, and had probably forgotten about it. Can he rent a storage locker to keep it in? If he has to pay for storage, he might discover he doesn't want to keep it after all (or not all of it anyway)

Growing up I was a military brat so my parents had no room to keep anything from my childhood. I didn’t keep much from my own kids , a million photos and certificates but they aren’t that concerned about those certs.
My own loft is full of things but mostly it’s my ‘ I’m not a hoarder ‘ husbands !
I do have a lot of clothes and shoes but nothing else that another person wouldn’t have. If he is he’ll bent on keeping them why not suggest him paying for storage rental where it’s safe and dry and secure ... that way you could have a jolly good clear out and store ‘ precious ‘ things . It’s a win win

as others have said find or make a space that he can use for his memories & treasured items that you don't ever have to deal with but also have one or two things around in your daily living areas, after all it's his home too.

When my OH moved in, I could not believe the "stuff" he had accumulated! Out of date work documents, old birthday cards, part used note books, part completed puzzle books and countless souvenirs! They were all despatched to large plastic boxes for storage in the garage. After a few years we moved house...........the chance for a good sort out, my stuff included and most of it went in the bin! We both found we just didn't needed reminding of "this and that'.
We have both kept photographs and a few books, everything else has gone and it was a wonderful feeling, like a great weight being lifted!
When I lost my Dad I did keep a couple of very precious and quite valuable items, everything else went for clearance, it was difficult at the time but I have my memories.

You have my sympathy OP, when my late father in law died, my husband and his family ended up filling several skips worth of what were essentially bits and bobs, things accrued over the years with "I'll hang on to that in case I need it later mentality" which I think was a mindset prevalent amongst previous generations. Husband and siblings were quite ruthless in getting rid of most of it and keeping some choice items and really as long as there remains a few things to remember your MIL by, maybe they could be incorporated into your home without changing the character too much. We did get some of my late mother's bone china, a couple of lovely, fairly old fashioned tea sets, often the sort of china used in really nice oldy worldy tea shops. I love them probably more than my husband does, somehow I don't think my boys will be interested in acquiring them one day I don't think any of us took their ornaments, Lladro sort of stuff, I'm definitely not keen on that type of thing personally, previous generations seemed to like ornaments around, I guess we are all of our time, the only clutter I really like are books.

It's his house too. You two will just have to compromise. Marriage is supposed to be about that, you know. My DH has posters of The Beatles and Elvis up on our bedroom wall, and takes up half the living room with his old music dvds and football books. Not my choice, but it's his home too, and they give him pleasure. This is more important than my ideas about decor.

Dont make him throw sentimental things away.When I was clearing my parents house some years ago after my dear Mum passed away,I threw so many things away, mainly because I couldnt get them over here to the country where I live,I have regretted it to this day, and always will. We do need some sentimental things, even if they are out of sight

Does anyone out there keep their special birthday cards ie 70th 75th and New Grandparents cards? I have all mine and keep thinking I should clear them out.

It's a sort of grieving process. He may be able to let go eventually. My MIL went into a nursing home and I'm sure my husband would have wanted to move everything into our house.. He didn't but a large kitchen table and battered kitchen dresser found their way in. I don't mind. They are a link to his childhood. Be grateful you've got off lightly with small items and not large pieces of furniture ?

Where do you keep your things? In a shed/garage/loft/spare room? Surely it’s a joint home. You come across as a bit of a bully.

I wonder at the definition of hoarder. Would there be so much stuff it would impact on daily living or is it just it doesnt fit in with how you like things to look.? Both have a point.
It is horrible clearing a parents house, I felt I was throwing the person away. I am quite sentimental, well very!
Practically I just didnt have room for all their things.
I kept the most treasured items,or things i could use. Anything i found gave me happy memories but couldnt keep i took photos of.
As much as possible went to charity. I did have a bed side table that they had owned since before i was born. Great sentimental value but that was it really. We took it to one of the furniture upcycling shops and it was lovely to see it slightly changed but sold!

After my FiL finally moved to a care home because of dementia (MiL was long gone) and the house had to be sold, dh and his brother felt unable to just get rid of almost everything. Some of the furniture went to a brother and SiL of mine who had just bought a 2nd home in France, and were glad of it.

Virtually all the rest inc. furniture, went into storage, and stayed there until well after FiL had died. It meant years of substantial fees for storage, until they felt emotionally detached enough - and both had the time - to go back, look at it all, and get rid of it. The cost did grieve me, but at the same time I did understand how they felt. After that time-lapse it was just ‘stuff’.

OTOH I swear that our clothes/carpet moth problem started with a couple of items dh eventually brought home!

One thing I found very poignant, though, was dh bringing home a seriously old and manky pair of FiL’s tennis shoes after he’d died. (He’d been a keen player into his 80s.)

Our dog went mad with excitement over those shoes - the smell of Grandpa! They had been such good friends.
The dog is long gone now, too. ?

Please don't make him dispose if his mother's stuff just now.
It feels unkind and I know you don't mean this.

But also, don't insist it goes in the loft! It will just add to the clutter that way.
Can you perhaps ask him to consolidate? Say, could he perhaps bring a couple of boxes together (probably from the loft) and have a nice new box to put the "best" in? This will roughly halve it.
I have managed to do this with lots of sentimental pieces this year and although I still have things I know should go, I at least only have half as many!

This year I will do this again until eventually it will be manageable and not a problem after I die.

When my mum died many years ago my husband told me I couldn't turn our home into a charity shop. Reluctantly I contacted an auction house and let all the big stuff go. I kept the sentimental things and now feel it was the right thing to do. Hopefully your husband will agree to keep his hoard under control.

Oh yes, I have stuff from my DM and Uncle. Let him bring it back and get rid of it slowly in his own time. It is his home too. I found it difficult to throw things out due to sentimentality, but after a short time it becomes less so. Just a few precious items. It is hard to let go! I still have a lot to go through.

You refer to your husband bringing home personal items belonging to his late mother, which sound as though they would fit comfortably in a small bookcase, to 'our house.' Yet you are only prepared to allow a box of photographs on condition they go in the loft, therefore out of sight and inaccessible' nothing else to remind him of his mother, because 'I veer towards a much more clean look'..... I don't want to keep arguing........ I have told him'.
You sound a bit of a philistine to me.
Our house???

We have a coffee table that DH made at school. We did use it in the early days but it has sat in the cupboard under the stairs for about 20y? as he won't part with it.
Also a large collection of Rugby magazines and stuff from his parents who have both been dead over 30 yrs. in the loft.

If MIL only died recently, might have something to do with wanting to keep stuff.

As time passes, maybe they won’t have so much importance.

You really can’t say he can’t have his things but they need to be in an arranged place spare bedroom, cleaned out cupboard, filing cabinet etc so you don’t have to be part of them

I can relate to a few posters on here. This is my second marriage( 11 very happy years). My husband is also a hoarder whereas I quite like the minimalist look. I realised early on in our relationship that my husband is also very sentimental.
At first it drove me mad, his refusal to throw things away and wanting to put up, what I considered, old fashioned pictures Etc. But one day I woke up and just thought to myself does it really matter in the great scheme of things. Who was to say that my taste was better than his and why should I get my own way after all the house belongs to both of us.
Consequently we have reached a compromise, I have things around the house that he doesn’t particularly like and vice versa but as we get older it becomes less and less important.
What matters is that we are healthy and happy and everything else is so irrelevant. We met when we were in our fifties so obviously we already had our own tastes by then.

Yes I have exactly the same problem as you’ve described. Things he will sell on eBay etc, it never happens, things in boxes in the garage, lots of sentimental stuff, things that might be valuable ‘one day’. Like Lucca I try and get rid of some stuff when he’s not around and he never notices they’ve gone...and as for keeping everything in one room or one place..Ha! I’ve given up and sometimes fantasise about living alone..

My husband is also a hoarder. Instead of downsizing when we moved we had to buy a larger house to house his collections of stamps, CD’s, cigarette cards, coins, t shirts, clothes, furniture and anything else he can squirrel away. Having a man cave or garage isn’t near enough room for him.
I have been slowly ‘helping’ him get rid of stuff by slowly moving from the house to the garage to the loft to the...dump. But that’s only things he’s not deeply attached to (like stamps and t shirts!......and some cd’s) and even then he will suddenly say ‘where is that table/chair etc we had - it might be useful ?

Have you got a spare room, or box room or garage he could have as his “study”? Insist that none of the stuff comes into your shared living room, kitchen or bedroom, he can keep his stuff in his area. Shared space needs to be relaxing for both of you and not cluttered .