Do I tell family history truths that will hurt my dad’s memory?

I wouldn’t tell your brother, both men are dead, the only person who could be hurt is your brother. You need counselling not revenge, you are estranged from your other
siblings it would be so sad if you became estranged from this
brother.

I have worked with victims of sexual abuse. I agree with those who say 'write it down for you'. Don't have a preconceived idea of what you might end up writing and for whom, just write it to begin with. You may even wish, if using a computer, to use a misleading title to save it under.
As you write, consider contacting a counselling service that helps people in your situation.
I think that as you write, and if you talk about it to a counsellor, the course may become much clearer in your own mind. I tend to agree with vampirequeen, but I think you will find the best path for you and your family.

Huge yes!

They should know what kind of person he was!

I am so sorry your so called parents failed you so bad instead of protecting you

Thread seems to have gone quiet?

That ‘blame me / call me a liar’ is the thing that prevents lots of the victims telling. It’s part of the guilt that victims can carry and it keeps the abuser safe to continue abusing. The abuser will still have the power unless the victim finds the strength to tell. None of this was your fault; why own it any longer? ?

I agree totally with Monica having gone through a similar story concerning an immediate female member, only the sexual abuser was her dad. They lived in another country. She still does.
I can't reveal the full story but my relative was abused to put it mildly from a very young age until her teenage years. She told when she was in her late 20's but wasn't believed by her fathers relatives. They cut her out of their lives. Didn't believe her.
When she left home, neither I or her family here were told where she lived despite asking time and time again over the years. She was found finally 3 years ago via social media.
She told me of her abusive childhood. everything added up and I believe her 100% and more.
My eldest sister, her mother found out that I knew and that I had told my brothers and other sister.
My brothers kept in contact with them. My other sister and I did not.
The mother, my sister, and her husband are now deceased.
I shed no tears for either of them. She had known what had been going on all those years ago.
I would say to you not to disclose to your brother what happened to you. You only have one brother in your life. It's a gamble as to whether he would believe you. If he did, all would be well, if not, you will lose him.
If I was you, I would get therapy to help you.
If your brother were to find out through someone else, I'd explain that you didn't know how he would react and didn't want to hurt him.
I'm so glad that you were believed by your mum.
So many victims are not.

How amazing that idea is. That’s exactly what I fear my estranged brothers will do - blame me/call me a liar. I won’t be sending them a copy of our dad’s life history (and it was an interesting life) so it is only my close brother I am interested in. I don’t think he will blame me but I understand the risk.

Can I just ask, and I don’t mean to offend in any way, so sorry in advance if I do.....but it seems you’ve been so hurt by your family, with only one brother that you have a good relationship with, left. Why do you want to write this account at all? I can see that you’d like future generations to know things. We’ve actually made a photo video of our life, which covers all the children’s lives as well. There are snippets of our parents, who we didn’t get on with...but they weren’t abusers. Personally, I’m all for being straight and honest...and wouldn’t flannel it at all. If you’re going to write this history, the abuse is part of it, and I would want to know if I were your sibling. If he really cares for you, it shouldn’t turn him away, but if he does find out somehow...years from now, he may be angry you didn’t tell him. Good luck whatever you choose to do.?

I think you should tell your brothers ,what happened wasn't your fault .It was done to you and your father by staying friends with the man betrayed you and your trust.
You may find your siblings had issues too and didn't want to speak about it for the same reasons you do.You might find you can help each other make some sense of what happened ,I hope it all goes well for you .Just writing it down might help

I can see one very big danger in the bringing this appalling episode in your life into the open.

When you tell your brothers about this man, his abuse and you fathers implicit acceptance of it, they may turn on you and hold you to blame for what happened to you.

It is very clear to anybody that you were the victim, but when family politics and strained relationsships are concerned, some people will spring to the defence of the accused, because they have guilty secrets or idolised the abuser oe just do not want to know, so please go ahead with writing about your experience, I believe it is a story that should be in the family annals, but be prepared to be attacked and blamed for what happened, no matter how unjustified.

Thx for your comments folks. They have given me much to think about... ?

I hope that the advice you are receiving here is helping you to think this through and come to a decision. For your own sake, I think that you should write the truth.

you might find that it helps your brother explain some things in his own childhood, you could do as someone suggested and do an expurgated version and offer him the omitted bit in a sealed envelope
Certainly for me finding out from other people helped understand things that had gone on, and helped me because I was not the only one [and the things that happened were a lot later on from childhood from my family member [and ex husband] Hard decision to make, but what is probably important is that you keep to facts and how it affected you, your feelings about what happened.

I agree with vampirequeen. You can write a full account for your own benefit and give one to your brother with this particular relationship between your father and this man omitted.

I think you need to ask yourself why you think your brother should know about this. Would it benefit him in any way to know? Writing this all down would I'm sure benefit you but will the benefit to you be increased if you make your brother aware of something he has no inkling of?

I agree that it's "your feelings and your harm that needs to be removed from the safety of silence and in the open to help others as well as yourself" (beautifully put BlueBelle) but does that mean telling your brother?

I m another who says YES write it all down it may save someone in the future The reason abuse continues is because of silence and cover ups The abusers feel safe because they know the shame you would feel of speaking out

Well done for telling your Mum and well done to your mum for keeping you safe by banning him from the family They were different times and we can’t really judge the mum for not taking it further she obviously thought she had done what she could by banning him and keeping him from you

The father whilst not abusing you physically, abused you mentally by continuing a deep and involved friendship with the man That’s a complete compliance to the crime and puts him on apar with the abuser

Abuse happens because of silence and fear of ‘hurting’ yourself or someone else if you speak out
It is your feelings and your harm that needs to be removed from the safety of silence and in the open to help others as well as yourself

No Parsley3. In fact none of us were close to dad as children but my estranged brothers became closer as adults. I think I feel embarrassed about the abuse and dad’s friend: that feeling of it being ‘my fault’.
If my brother knows about it from me it might explain some of the actions I took as a adult with dad as we didn’t have a great relationship.

Was your brother very close to his father? Is that why you don’t want him to know?

My brother is 10 yrs younger than me so in the abusive years he was v young. He probably hasn’t heard about this man unless my estranged brothers have discussed it. What I find difficult to swallow is the continued friendship with my dad after the prison sentence for paedophilia including with his own children.

What a good idea VampireQueen. I can do that.

I this man has already been convicted of a paedophile offence, your revelation is unlikely to come as a surprise to him.

I would write it down for your own benefit. Write a version for your brother but leave an obvious gap in the narrative. If he asks why then tell him there is something about your dad that he may not want to know and leave it to him to decide whether he wants to know it.

Thx for the replies. Yes my dad knew what his friend had done after I reported it to my mum. I have wondered lately whether one of my estranged brothers was also abused at the same time as me. This sort of thing in a family can be a real minefield... I had psychotherapy when my husband died which exposed some of the post abuse issues. It was helpful and allowed me to talk to a friend whose stepfather abused her young daughter which was helpful for both of us.

How awful for you PJN.....
My advice would be for you to write it down, get it out of your system, and start the healing process. . Good luck !!

Was your father aware of his "friend's" abuse of you? I can't believe that a father would help or remain on friendly terms to someone who had abused his daughter.

If he didn't know then I would suggest you write about it but state clearly that your father knew nothing of the abuse. If he did know then make that clear.

I agree with those suggesting counselling - it is never too late.

How awful, but maybe your other siblings also had a problem with your Father and his ‘friend’.

I agree that writing it all down can be cathartic, you are not at fault here.