Roommate relationship

You have to ask yourself why you began sleeping in separate bedrooms in the first place. Has the love gone out of your relationship? You can reignite it by taking the first step. Arrange a date; make a lovely meal, candles, wear something he hasn't seen before, or something sexy. You're both still young enough to enjoy each other's company so it's about making an effort. It's easy to let things slide but if something is worth having, then it's worth making that bit more of an effort.

My husband I have separate bedrooms, sex went out the window about 5 yrs ago apart from a Christmas special, but he joins me every morning, we chat, read, or just fall asleep, it's our 'together' time. I don't have a libido at all so it's fine and works for us.

I think its Covid time and understand that everyone feels this way to a certain extent at the moment. Now is not the time to make drastic decisions. Sounds more like you are bored, which we all are at the moment. Write a list of things you would like to do. Do those things. Invite your husband - if he goes with you, enjoy the change. If he doesnt go with you, look at it as time you would spend on your own. I don't think throwing out a relationship because of boredom is the first decision to make. Nothing stopping you from doing what you want.

Ditto. Catlover21.

Exactly the same relationship and we are quite happy to have our own space.
snoring was the great divider with us.
I love my own bed and so does he.
We have companionship and company.
We are both fine with that.
Neither of us wants to living alone and lonely.

This is pretty similar to my life - I can really empathise. We are 65 and 71 and been married for 39 years. Until I was 62 my health seemed very good. Now all my joints are painful especially one hip and one shoulder which is making me feel disabled. As a result our good sex life ground to a halt. We now sleep in separate rooms but to the best of knowledge he doesn’t seem bothered. My husband would rather stick pins in his eyes than have a discussion about anything deeper other than what’s for dinner/on tv/the weather. Unfortunately I have uncovered a lot of deceptions and lies he’s told me (or not told me) over the years. I wish I could be free of him now.

Beau 1958 I am in much the same situation. I can’t even say we are friends just 2 people in the same house. I knows I’m a coward but he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong. Financially dependent and too old to get a job. Made the mistake of being a stay at home mum which I regret though it seemed right at the time.

Your not alone I’m going through the same but I often worry is the grass greener I’d be too scared to make the break so to speak. I live quiet a comfortable life I’d imagine leaving him I’d be living somewhere I wouldn’t want to be, it’s so hard I sympathise with you.

We're 62 and 65, married 44 years and we sleep in separate rooms as it suits us. We both still work full time. My night time flushes are horrendous, so all night long I roll around the bed looking for cold spots. Hubby says it's like sleeping next door to a blast furnace and in the other room he sleeps like a log. We have different interests, but also spend time together walking and both love travelling. Sex isn't the be all and end all when you've been together a long time, but perhaps you could instigate the occasional hug, peck etc I get the impression that you don't want to leave him, but would just like the relationship to improve.

This sounds like my marriage too

i could have written same article we were married young 20 and 22 have been married 42 years now and i realised many years ago my feelings had changed for him but at the time had 2 young children he had poorly paid work i worked evenings partime his mum and dad died young within 6 months he then lost his job so i felt i couldnt just give up and upset everyone he has never been very supportive and gave me a hard time when 1st son born because he couldnt admit to me he didnt want kids anyway years down the line we are on our own now no sex for 10 years(he has ED) but im not bothered and i have my own friends and walk dog every day and we are just like friends now but no hugs or kisses

I re married in 1998 and until a couple of years ago we had a very passionate and romantic relationship. Then in 2018 DH had an operation on his back, which started to change things. Then last year he had a mild stroke and also has to manage diabetes. The result is that he has no desire for any physical relationship anymore. We do get on well and share the same bed, but I do feel a bit sad sometimes, as I am still very fit and well. Unfortunately things won't improve on that score. We do talk about it and he says how sorry he is that this has happened to us. I must admit it has taken the sparkle out of our relationship, but we still love each other and so I accept it. I am sure that if he hadn't had all these problems, we would still be enjoying a passionate relationship as we are still attracted to each other.

Harv1 37 yrs married and probably bumbling along for the last 17! The crunch came after I'd been unwell for couple days and no one stuck their head round the bedroom door to see if I was still breathing. I sat and thought I love my home (it hurt to sell it as well) but do I want to just exist in it with someone who obviously didn't even think about me those couple days. It was like a lightening bolt and the answer was no I don't,I want to "live".

My first response on reading your post was " Time to talk ". I haven't experienced your situation so my response was just instinct. I am also thinking that in these strange times we have time to focus on our lives. Could you use this period to ask if your husband feels as you do and take the chance to really talk to each other, without rancour, and see if there is anything you both want to salvage from your relationship. If it's possible perhaps a counsellor would help. It seems such a shame to give up on a good man.
It all sounds like a chronic, drifting case of non communication to me.
I so hope you can both find your way back to a loving partnership, or to at least remain friends..
I wish you well.

Toyoungto :- well said ?? I feel the same way too

I feel that we were never meant to live as long as we now are. Life expectancy was so much shorter, many didn't live long enough to get bored. We've got too healthy, and are living for too
many years, often with the same person, and we all change with age.

Hi ! yes I’m currently going through divorce after 35 yrs .... just sold my house which hurt but I’m getting there too ... the times for plodding along are long gone ... chin up there are lots more in the same boat ..

We're just the same Uptodate. He helps me with chores etc, and I cook, clean etc. Marriage is often just a working relationship which is sometimes easier just to accept it.

Sounds familiar so I opted for divorce as didn't want to spend the rest of my days just existing with someone else. Since starting divorce can now see that I was actually living with a selfish, mean spirited twat (can't believe it took me so long!). Anyway I'm now on my own, doing up a house how I want it, don't have to think about anyone else (well apart from the four legged house guests) & I haven't been as happy for years. I spent too long looking after husband, kids, home and working. Still working but part time and now doing things for me. Don't know how long I have in this world but for however long it is I'm going to look after me for a change and enjoy doing things that I like. If you are happy to stay as you are then fine but there are alternatives.

I guess he's not responsible for your happiness.
Only you can take control.
Make a list of what you haven't got then a list of what you would like to have and take a look at them.
Work out what you would need to do to achieve what you would like.
Same as you are not responsible for his happiness.
Doesn't mean to say you separate but work it out logically before making any big decisions.
maybe have a couple of counselling sessions to work through your list with a non judgemental professional.

All relationships have their ups and downs, but ask yourself how would you feel if he died or left you for another woman? This might help you put your marriage in perspective.

Same situation here. We have slept in separate beds for years mainly due to his snoring and my frequent night trips to the loo! However, we sleep together on holidays and staying at friends houses but never have a good night's sleep. No sex but are best friends and usually chat every night over dinner and sometimes drinks and watch TV together. I often wonder if we should have stayed together without a physical relationship so it is reassuring to read here that so many are the same.

Dear Uptodate, you have started the ball rolling by externalizing your feelings. This is really good. there is a lot of sensible advice and opinion on here. There is a saying "Take the best and leave the rest". I am sure some of the messages will 'speak to you'. It sounds as if there is a lot to be rescued from this relationship , you both sound like nice caring people who have just slightly lost direction. I hope you find what is right for both of you.

Oh Jillybird, you sound so unhappy. I hope you feel better soon.

A marriage isn't over just because you don't sleep in the same bed. Hopefully there is more than that holding it together. We have slept apart (snoring, hot flushes etc.) for 15 years now and we are in abetter place in our love life now too. (Weekend lie-ins work wonders). You sound tired, bored, unfulfilled and disappointed, not necessarily with your marriage but perhaps with yourself? How great are you to be with, how loving and how scintillating? If one person makes a change the other has to, its some kind of scientific law! Decide what you want your life to be, hw you want to live it and what you can do to revive all those feelings you had in yourself, about yourself before the menopause. I find that as I age I am a lot less likely to make knee-jerk decisions and/or blame all my ills on someone else. Make your own changes and see what happens

You say that he sometimes asks for a cuddle but it feels awkward to you. Forgive me, but it seems the problem is with you rather than him if he is still asking for physical affection but you find it awkward. Do you ever ask him for a cuddle? If not, maybe you are inadvertently giving the signal that you don't want more.
It sounds more as if you have got into a bit of a rut and that is so easy to do in a long term relationship and more difficult to resolve during a lockdown but not impossible.
Perhaps you could plan a nice 3 course meal and make a bit of an effort with the table setting, candles, etc. Think of some of your favourite times together and reminisce with him about them. Then talk about plans about making more memories in the future when the lockdown is over.
Is your husband interested in anything in particular? Is there something you can learn together like, say, dancing?
You need to find things to do where you can reconnect more naturally so you can move your relationship on from where it is rather than in stagnating further. It might take a little personal discomfort or awkwardness to push on to start with but it will get easier or show you it is dead in the water.
I don't think it is unusual to find yourself in this situation, it is how you re-energise it that will determine your future happiness. Of course, I am assuming that you both want the relationship to work.