Roommate relationship

It's very hard to live without any affection. Nobody else has mentioned this but are you sure your husband isn't having an affair? Seems odd to me the suddenly withdrawing and moving into the spare bedroom thing with no apparent explanation! (Or could he be embarrassed about a loss of libido or something? With hindsight, whatever the problem is - and you have acknowledged there is a problem - you need to talk about it honestly and calmly - or even have a trial separation - before you blow the whole marriage apart as once that's done there is no going back.
Good luck.

I like your idea , Trixee .

can you not share breakfast with him and occasionally pounce on him ?
Remember back to your early days , pillow fights and be playmates ?

I felt like that with my relationship. It doesn't mean that the 30 years have been wasted. You've spent time together, had holidays, days out, fun and happiness. But there's no guarantee that it will last forever and maybe it's time for you both to take a fresh look at the situation and move on together but apart. Like I did. Me and the ex are still on good terms, and me and the new partner are deleriously happy.

This totally describes the last 10 years of a 32 year relationship of mine too. I think you'll find there are many of us just muddling through.

We’ve been married 25 years, second marriage for both of us.
I often sleep in the spare room if I am coughing, lung disease, or him snoring but in the morning I always grab my pillow and go back to our bed, we read and discuss the news on our iPads while drinking tea. I think it’s a good start to the day.

A no sex relationship is perfectly OK if both partners are happy.
A no affectionate relationship is possibly the same but for me I can’t see the point if you can’t snuggle up on a cold night, don’t get a good morning kiss, don’t feel loved.

Sadness is the worst part of this.
I have long been tempted to start a separate group about this problem but always been concerned I would receive back lash from people saying Count your blessings etc etc which is what I mainly do as I have so much great stuff in my life
I understand completely Uptodate how you feel
I am 63 and my OH is 53 and we have been together for 27 years
I am by far the most fun out of the two of us! hahaha and I am fit and healthy and used to be rather OK to look at
OH has for many years been completely uninterested in physical touch other than the kiss goodnight before he goes to bed (he's always asleep on the sofa by 10 and up at 6) and a kiss when he gets home from work ( after he's washed his face incase of covid)
I have brought the subject up with him time and time again after a huge but huge intake of courage breath because it is SO HARD to address
But then, where do you take this scenario?After tears and trying to express that it isn't about sex,its needing to feel wanted/desired/ or just simply proud and admiring of me? As I am of him actually but now don't show it anymore, there is the awful embarrassing "making the effort" which is then so unnatural and the feeling that its just for my benefit and he really would rather not
I've suggested counselling(Nope!) He promises to try and be more demonstrative and for a short while things improve but it never lasts and then the scenario begins all over again.
I am never going to leave him as we "muddle" along so well in so many areas but I feel I am withering up like a dry old house plant and it makes me feel worthless and very elderly.

So! Although this has somehow turned itself into "all about me" I am hearing you Uptodate and think you are in very good and widespread company here!

I'm in a similar relationship. We have been together almost 13 years, married for almost 9 years. My husband is 65 and I'm 57. We haven't had a physical relationship for almost 6 years, my husband says we are too old for that sort of thing, doesn't matter what I think or want. If I try to speak to him about it I get verbal abuse and he sulks. I think he wants me to cheat then he can play the victim, as it seems he did the same to his first wife. Not sure this is how I want to live my life x

This really resonated with the as I'm in a similar situation. We'll have been married for 40 years this year, but I feel we've become just a habit. It may be that lockdown is having a bad effect on relationships as you're in each other's vicinity all the time and this has made me more aware of the not-so-nice personality traits my hubby has, which is putting a strain on our relationship.
I'm afraid I don't have the answers for you, but maybe there's some slight solace in knowing that you're not alone in feeling this way?

It sounds as though doing nothing is not now an option. You worry about becoming resentful, don't seem happy and don't think your partner is happy either so it's probably heading for separation if nothing is done. You owe it to each other to discuss what you both want and plan for that, whatever it is. Sounds as though there are broadly three possible outcomes: you discover misunderstandings have led to this situation and you realise you both want to stay together and rekindle the closeness ( with or without the sexual intimacy,); you realise the relationship is genuinely different now but decide there's enough going for it on some level to stay together and share some wee holidays or whatever; you decide there's not enough there to keep you together and you decide to separate. Whichever it is, making a positive decision about it and planning the practicalities will minimise the feeling that this aspect of life is out of control and just happened to you both. I can see the possibility of this all starting as a misunderstanding. Did he think your restlessness at night was permanent and he should be the gentleman by moving to the spare room out of concern for you. It really does sound as though you haven't discussed much of this together. The way things are and are probably heading, you've nothing to lose by making sure you have a proper discussion. If it's really too hard to do so,put it all calmly in a wee letter to him - probably praising his good points and saying you're sorry about the way things have changed but want both of you to be happy and to agree what needs to change to achieve that. Do you have a close friend or one of your children who could be a sounding board. Your partner sounds like a caring man and even occasionally wanting to give you a hug may indicate he wants things to be more like they used to be - maybe he thinks you've given up on the relationship and want out and he doesn't know how to discuss it or make it better. Good luck with whatever you decide but take control and don't let separation or a resentful co-existence just happen.

Also, what Nell8 said is spot on!

Could be not could’ve!

I suppose you have to ask yourself if you’re content to live like this for what could be a long time. You’re still very young (my age) and I wouldn’t want that. I think you should talk to your husband and ask him if he is happy with the relationship and that you aren’t. At least that could’ve a start to change things - maybe a date night once a week or counselling or at least it won’t be such a shock to him if you call it quits...good luck and don’t settle - you have to live not just exist!

I can relate to this although we are still in the same bed - because he won’t entertain our not, rather than any other reason.
I’m not unhappy but I’m definitely not happy although I won’t do anything about it as I don’t have the energy! He still has his own business (he’s 72) which is physically demanding and 24/7 365 days so it has just reached a stage where I do my own thing and now book holidays whicheis very welcome to come on if he can get cover for work otherwise I go on my own. It does all seem a bit of a waste really

I don't think it is unusual for couples to have separate rooms for one reason or another, but the affection should continue. I don't really understand why you should feel awkward giving each other a hug especially as it appears you have had a good relationship.
I think you need a good honest talk, and ask him lots of questions. I think maybe with a little work from you both you could get some of what you once had back.
You are lucky to have a good man dear. All the very best ?

I feel very sorry for you, Uptodate. Why don’t you suggest that you have separate holidays (when COVID allows) to see how you feel on your own.

I know when my husband left me after 37 years, although I had a really good social life and many good friends, I missed him (and sort of mourned for him ) dreadfully.

Just take it slowly.

I think that you both need to sit down and have a good heart to heart talk with one another and get all these feelings and emotions out into the open so that you both know exactly where you stand, make or break .
You are both still young enough to change things around one way or another, do this now before you spend the next 30 years together in this unhappy relationship as this situation is not fair on either of you . Life is far too short .

I think you need a plan of action. I would suggest the following.

Sit down and really think about whether you want to break off this relationship or to change it.

If you decide to end it, then you need to talk to Citizen's Advice about what you are entitled to as a single woman, discuss your financial situation with your bank, and perhaps consult a solicitor.

If you want to stay, but change your relationship, start by working out what you want it to be then discuss it with your partner.

If he won't discuss it, you are stuck unless you can either get him to talk to you or to go to some form of counselling.

Good luck!

It’s important to talk. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. After the pandemic, maybe get some sessions of couples counselling. It can help, not only with learning to become closer again, if that’s possible, but also with letting go and the sadness, if that is needed.

Please talk to your husband in the first instance. Not in passing. Give him notice. Say, ‘we need to talk’ and agree a time when you can sit down together with no distractions.

Hmm I do recognise lots of this. I’d say leave and start fresh. It can be a revelation and very liberating. But then after a while it is lonely. Depends on your friends I guess. Mind we’re all solidly married so going out socialising wasn’t on their agenda and at weekends I’d speak to no one as they were all ensconced with family. I’m now in a relationship and we live together but there’s little affection. In fact I think he’s got an aspbergers type condition. His ex wife left after 37 years. I think I know why now. But I don’t want to be lonely again. It’s very tough and with the pandemic not a time for big decisions. I’d say to quietly get your affairs in order. Make sure you’re financially stable - that you can survive - have a plan where you’d go etc. Then bide your time. When it’s time to go you’ll be in a good position. Good luck. Xx

Do you enjoy his company , sit together and watch tv , enjoy discussing topics etc?

Enjoy his company is a good thing; but the others are not essential to everyone's relationship - we all work differently. I do not think it is a good idea to set up criteria like these with which to define a good relationship. What works for people is just fine, even if it night seem strange to others.

Setting up a norm to aspire to is unhelpful I feel.

I’ve been married for 35 years, I moved into the spare room at the beginning of the pandemic as I’m shielding, but I’m a terrible sleeper anyway whilst my DH falls asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow. I’ve now moved back, even though we never go to bed at the same time. The only advice I can offer is to try and talk to each other. I’m lucky because we love each other so much, and we are best friends, but that doesn’t mean things are perfect all the time. How can you know what your other half is feeling if you don’t communicate? How can he know how you are feeling if you don’t tell him? Marriage needs to be worked at, give and take, you only get one life so make it one worth living. If you’re still not happy then you need to decide what is right for you but try and be kind. Good luck

As some others have said and implied, relationships (and singleness) come in all shapes and sizes, sex, no sex, cuddles, friendships, companionships, common interests, separate interests, shared and separate friends and family..... if you are happy with it, then live it, no-one else's rules or perspective matters. If you are not happy then leave it, do something else. Follow your gut, it is extremely wise, it's the unconcious result of all your lived experiences.

My husband (no. 3) and I don't even live in the same country at the moment, but I would say we are extremely close and my life is very content. I am loving contentment after a lifetime of quite a bit of drama! I've never really understood people's fear of changing things when they are unhappy - we have one life only.

I also started sleeping in the spare room due to my husband snoring and our three dogs sharing our room, one in fact on the bed! What started as a one off thing has led to me sleeping in there every night. Whilst we still share our day to day lives, have AC at home and still have the odd peck on the cheek I do miss the cuddles we used to share. We occasionally share a bed when my granddaughter sleeps over but due to Covid - 19 this hasn't been very often and one of us invariably ends up on the couch.