Roommate relationship

Apologies this rambles on an on an on ;-)
Relationships are sooo diverse within all societies/cultures whatever sexual orientation... I think we tend to believe that there is a perfect 'form' of relationship between couples, I believe that relationships are complex and ever-changing, surely its impossible to retain the sameness throughout cos we are ever-changing beings whose experiences impact our lives and hence our behaviours. Like our younger folk 'hit' daily on how they should look/behave/eat/be slim/fit/find a mate etc. we oldees too are 'hit' by images of 'Jane Fonda/Joan Collins types' and receive just as many messages telling us there is an ideal look, ideal behaviours, and an ideal 'normal' relationship 'model'. In my experience there is no ideal look, cos I am aware of the reconstructions these 'ideal types' go through under the knife and many 'other' procedures, moreover there is no ideal relationship in any culture or society, there is an ideal type 'model', that we unrealistically believe is the norm but it fails, cos we humans are many and varied, not unlike pebbles on a beach. I believe we oft struggle in our couple relationships because we strive to attain the impossible... we must talk more to each other, and most importantly actively listen. I too oft get swayed by the youthful-looking oldees and their lives and A Mazing 'good looks' and 'figures' and wardrobes and oh sooo pristine houses and spouses and it makes me sad that I do, knowing its all sooo not 'real' however I would say that we need to 'get real' and reflect and realise that we are not what we were, we are what we are now!!! I believe the answer is talk more, listen actively, share your needs/wants/desires and respect yourself. Ramblings End :-)

Many of these posts reflect my relationship. I wish I'd left years ago, when my partner was young enough to start again.
I suggested counseling for us but he wouldn't go. I wish I had insisted.
Your husband still asks for hugs occasionally which is a good sign. Going to a relationship counsellor would really help you (both) decide what you want and maybe find a way back. Resentments of past hurts fester if you don't get a chance to air them properly. Counseling can help. I wish you luck.

I think you have described a lot of marriages. I've been married 40 years, we don't even have a peck on the cheek. I do everything, housework, cooking, DIY. He watches TV and holds the remote. I still feel young and fit capable of a lot. He doesn't. Like you this has gone on for so long it would never turn back. I'm now suspecting him of some sort of dementia. But also suspect pure lazyness. Where will it end up that's my worry. With me probably pushing a wheelchair until I am worn out I suspect. I see other couples out walking etc, I do everything alone so I feel single. As for grandchildren I have one and there won't be any more unfortunately. That is not enough to fill the massive void these "relationships" have given us. Feel your pain?

Katie.. Glad you've found your cuddles again.. Its a good habit to have.

It’s the lack of affection that gets you, no sex I can cope with, sleeping in the same bed with no cuddles is horrid, after years without any intimacy I left. Now with a new man I make sure I get a really good cuddle morning and night, its so good I’d give up everything else.

Sound advice Pecs

I am so sorry to read about so many stuck relationships.

33 years ago my DH & I almost split up. We had a really shi88y couple of years. We lost sight of each other and drifted apart.

We chose to go to counselling and both worked hard for our relationship to work. Having made a positive choice to stay with each other we learned ways to keep our relationship working. And it does!

It is never too late to go to counselling ..it may show you that you should part or it may bring you close.
Either way you will have invested time into thinking about each other and what you both need & want. Good luck.

Bully1 not being nosy but I don't understand how your husband pays your pension. The government pays our State Pension.

We sleep in the same bed too but no affection at all it is very hard so fed up

Thanks for your reply I am 62 retired he pays my pension which is why it is very awkward. I don’t have any friends to stay with and have no family. Wish I had left I must be mad aye.

Yes, myself in this position but due to my husband having had pacemaker in the first lockdown, and then a 2nd heart operation end of last year, I moved into the front bedroom and seemed to have now made it my "home" but go back into the main bedroom - his - on the odd morning for cuddles and a bit more, but certainly not wanting to live alone at this awful time think you need someone else to lean on and them you.

Test.

Blimey bully I d rather live in a tent than stay in your marriage. Don’t you have any family or friends at all to go to while you get on your feet You would get government help if you don’t have an income of your own
How come you have no money ? Does he take it all ? Are you young enough to work still ? if he still loves the other woman and is cruel enough to tell you he won’t show you any affection will he nothing will change what a shame you forgave him 22 years ago but it’s never to late
This is abuse, mental abuse, ring a women’s aid helpline for advice and run as fast as you can as soon as you can

Sounds like my marriage my husband had an affair you will think I am daft it was 22 years ago but he says he still loves her he shows me no affection at all. He has awful rages but I am stuck have no finances to move really feel so alone, he won’t talk either about it just gets angry. I cannot forgive him would love to leave.

Thank you * Jillyjosie* for sharing your thoughts and experience.
I am having some difficulties and I find it very helpful.
The present situation certainly is not helping. Like many, I will be so glad to get back to my normal life.

I think this is a very reassuring thread, I'm grateful to the OP for posting and for the honesty of the posts.
We're coming up to 40 years and we've certainly had some sticky moments. We're 67 and 68 now and dealing with retirement issues has brought us very close to splitting up. In fact, we've spent the equivalent of a cruise on counselling!
We sleep in separate rooms and there isn't much sex now but we have learnt to talk things through and we both like the outdoors and have a number of shared activities.
Sometimes I think I might have been happier with someone else but I've also always thought you take your baggage with you and a new partner will just present a different set of problems!
It must be difficult with a partner who isn't willing to listen or compromise. I did get to the point of leaving briefly on several occasions and that was what brought us to counselling together. I think we will stay together now. Good luck OP and wishing you and everyone some happiness in life however things turn out.

as you go about the house during the day ask for a hug, just a quick hug. then get on with what you were doing. You may both appreciate that quick hug. then go from there day by day until you then have talk. You are both far too young to live like that! all very well having a quick peck before going to bed in separate rooms, whats wrong with a quick peck in the morning. Regain that closeness you had at sometime and see where it goes. A sense of humour is key with closeness. He may well feel the same as you have written

Well, I don't even get a peck on the cheek! We do still sleep in the same bed and we talk to each other. Our relationship is more like brother and sister now.

Uptodate I'm glad you started this thread. I wish you well in talking to your OH but I'm glad because yoh have enabled me to see that I am not alone with my imperfect marriage.

Gosh what an eye opener I ve been alone for 23 years and always thought most married couples of my age (even without sex) had companionship, support and a friendship type of love
I wish you all well and hope you find the answers

It seems that all long time marriages exist by compromise. My husband of 46 years still loves me, and we have a very satisfying sex life. But I would dearly love to move back to where we used to live. He’s happy, and has a small business in our home, making a move almost impossible. But reading these posts, I’m appreciating his affection a lot more

I really like your post sheila. You can have freedom whilst living together. If you think of yourselves as housemates, and try and relax about your relationship. It isn't broken, it's just got lazy. Regroup and talk to him about his and your expectations for this relationship. If he wants to keep up the status quo, think of yourself on 5 years time and whether you will be content. I think when lockdown is over, you should start building a new network of friends and catch up with old friends. Share yourself and your problems with another and feel the spark of excitement making plans or doing something new. I think he is a good bloke but if he doesn't care what you do or doesn't show interest in you, it will feel very lonely. It's so difficult when sex is no longer on the menu because I think we all need someone to show affection and make an effort.. I feel for the OP because she is young and life should be satisfying and enjoyable, outside of all the responsibilities, duties and daily chores. Good luck

Uptodate I've just read the whole thread and smiled at how many of us are in separate rooms to our husbands.

I'm short, fat, ailing and ten years older than my tall, handsome, super-fit husband. We have different interests and hobbies, but we do have the same goals in life and share the same values. Because of my health issues we've had separate bedrooms for many years, yet somehow we've stayed happily married for almost 35 years now.

For us the trick has always been to show a genuine interest in whatever makes the other one happy and to be intentional about making time for one another. Sometimes it's planned e.g. 'shall we light a fire on Friday and open a bottle of wine?' and sometimes it's spontaneous, 'if you come upstairs in ten minutes your bed'll be warm'.

I know that starting from a lack of intimacy in the relationship things will be a bit different, but it sounds as if you have a relationship where there's plenty to build on. I wish you every happiness.

Would just like to say a big thank-you for all the sound advice been given. I'm definitely going to take it on board, take a deep breath and have a long overdue heart to heart. So again many many thanks and for those of you in the same situation I wish you all the very best.

Describes my marriage. My husband seems irritated by me. He never initiates conversations, he never shows affection, he never suggests outings, he penny pinches, he sulks if the meals don’t suit him, he makes me feel less than a woman, he never gives me presents, he has to be forced to buy decent clothes, he insists on watching the tv programmes he likes and sneers at my choices. BUT I have been very ill and he looked after me when there was no- one else who could have. We’ve been married since 1964, I’ve stuck it out...