Who decides where you live in retirement?

Have you got double/triple glazing on your windows to help block out the noise? Ha e you asked your neighbours if they can tone it down a bit, as it's disturbing your sleep? If they are nice neighbours, maybe they don't realize how bad it is, especially if you are generally quiet and they never hear from ' your' side of the walls?

You.must have loved the house when you moved in or you wouldn't have moved there. Little.things can maybe be resolved to let you go back to enjoying it ☺️

I suppose the question is do houses make people happy or do the spouses make us happy or is it us who make ourselves happy

Where I come from, people don't move houses with the intention of being happy. Home is a necessity for survival. I am open to learn and genuinely do not feel judged by my comments

I can empathise with those who want (need?) something different from their long-term spouses/partners and especially if they don't have a great relationship. Of course those on MN would advocate divorce asap, but when you have been "together" for a lifetime it isn't that easy an option, either practically or emotionally. Plus my DH is becoming rapidly disabled and it would be cruel of me to leave him to his own devices.

We have a house that is way too big for us and now he is disabled I simply can't manage it all, but he refuses to consider moving cos it nicely fits all his junk and a two-bed bungalow would not suffice for him (even though ideal for me!). Even before he became disabled there was a long list of work needed on the house and precious few tradesmen or handymen in our area.

I hope both posters manage to reach a solution.

I would lvoe to know what they decided in the end. A pity when people don't return after asking about such a diffcult issue.

However, date or no date, it is a very current issue for so many in our age group, especially over 80s. Will probably be ours in a few years- DH will be 80 next year and 75. Never mind moving from large house to smaller one or flat, but the dilema about which country to spend our final years.

eazybee

January 2021 ???

It would seem housing was easily sorted years ago.

eazybee

January 2021 ???

Had not seen the date. But does that matter? The subject is one which is of real concern for so many older couples, especially in late 70s and 80s, when living in a larger property becomes a burden rather than a joy.

I know several couples, including 2 close relatives, who are exactly in the same situation. One wanting to sell up and move to smaller property with no garden and a caretaker, or even sheltered housing, and the other just refusing to even think or discuss it. It is a very relevant subject for GN, whatever the date of OP.

Snowbell, I think you need to sit down and make a list of reasons for staying and another for not staying. Show these reasons to your husband and try to convey how unhappy you are. It's all very difficult. I live in quite a rough area, though my street is not so bad. I think Id need to know more about the circumstances surrounding the previous moves and what made you both want to move to the country? However, I agree with others here, you really need to sit and talk. Whatever happens, hope it all works out for you both.

Unpleasant posters post anywhere eazybee.

January 2021 ???

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Great news that DH isn't so thoughtless as you imagined.
You both need to have a good discussion of the house question - and of your relationship.

Hooray!
Great news about the house!

I do feel better today, not least because DH said he woke up thinking of all the problems with the house and why not sell it and I woke up thinking that if he loved the house so much, ok, we'll stay and I'll see how things work out! I feel hopeful and relieved and thanks for some very insightful comments.

I was surprised to discover that it is now possible to simply join GN by signing up with Google! I had no idea until I was in a computer stew. Now to sort the names, poor Snowbell!

We moved 10 years ago. DH would have been happy to stay in Sth London but both our daughters moved 25 miles south to the same place ..so I did persuade him being closer to the grandchildren would be supporting our DDs. We are now well settled and happy here. We have made new friends locally ..though we still ..pre Covid... made the 40 minute journey regularly back to see pals. We are lucky to have a positive relationship still.. we have had a few bumpy times but mostly very happy in our almost 55 yrs of knowing each other & are pleased to spend our retirement & lockdown together. Won't move again unless it's into some care facility...

I was confused too!
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Well, Jillybell (if I may call you that) I hope tomorrow is a better day!
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Oh, FGS, I'm confused too. I've had a terrible day and a terrible week during which my 'old' laptop, all of 5 years, ha, ha, started downloading a Windows update in the middle of a zoom session. Said laptop is now wrecked, so much reset by the software that I have thrown my hands in the air and given up. I set up a new name because I couldn't fulfill the password or email address requirements. Except this is a different device and I was feeling so upset when I posted that I didn't see the name. I can't cope, I'm switching off, I'll deal with this tomorrow assuming I've got time to fiddle about trying to get the system to let me in to delete one of the names. I hate these things, once computers were useful, now they they endlessly mess everything up. Thank you Not spaghetti, you have a strange username. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Hello,
Who are we talking to... Jillyjosie or snowbell21?
I'm confused.

Not easy- for sure. We moved here to look after my parents, but they have gone now. We bought this big pile as we fell in love with it, and it cost us a lot of money to make the big move. At the time, we could (before 'B' and 'C') just come and go as and when we pleased, back and forth. But now is has all changed and I would like to be nearer daughters and grandchildren- but OH has put his foot down. He is very happy to visit UK often, which is why we have kept a flat there, and daughters, and close family and friends, all have space to host us- but he has made it perfectly clear this is his last ever home, forever, and that is it.

I have promised our girls and GCs I would back to UK if ever left on my own.

I'm not entirely happy with where we are living now. Its a lovely property, but in a very isolated rural area, we've been here for just over 5 years.

I find that its a bit tooooo quiet and out of it for me, but my very much homebird DH is as happy as a pig in muck here and moving would turn his little world upside down. He dosent ask for much and I wouldnt want to really push a move knowing that it would be very unsettling for him and he would not be happy.

The 'deal' that I have with him (in non Covid times at least) is that its A OK for me to go off on holidays without him plus visiting peeps in different parts of the country.

It works for us while we are both still fairly healthy and active, though if we are still around in years to come, it might not be so practical, particularly if neither of us can drive.

Another take on this.........on holiday in the Canaries once year I once got chatting to a bloke who lived there while his wife still lived in the UK. They were still very much married and spent time together with one another a number of times a year. This 'living apart' arrangement seemed to work very well for them.

Sounds like the problem is more with your relationship than the house Snowbell no amount of moving will resolve that unless its to separate establishments.
I agree with Urmstongran you need to sort out what it is you really want and be honest with yourself.

Moving house isn’t going to solve all the underlying problems and the resentment you have built up between you. If you can start to communicate effectively and discuss what you each expect from the other, you may be better placed to decide together whether to move or stay put.

I’ve known a few people over the years who have seen a house move as a solution to all their problems, and one or two who were serial movers. That’s a jolly expensive way to deal with problems!

Thanks also for the last two posts which I've only just seen.

Thanks, I appreciate the comments. I would be happy in a detached house, quiet enough for me to sleep at night with the window open and I am horrified at living somewhere with lots of noise though the party wall. Is that too much to ask? Shame I don't have a house in France or I'd be there.
I also want to live close enough to the people /activity I mentioned with whom I have become close during lockdown via Zoom.

Make a list of all the things you dislike about your present house and location and then get him to sit down and go through it with you.Then ask him if you moved, what criteria would he like for the new house? Write it down, then say what you are looking for.Get him to agree to call the estate agent again and tell him that you are unhappy.Make sure you get it right for the next move.Good luck househunting.