Who decides where you live in retirement?

Great news that DH isn't so thoughtless as you imagined.
You both need to have a good discussion of the house question - and of your relationship.

Hooray!
Great news about the house!

I do feel better today, not least because DH said he woke up thinking of all the problems with the house and why not sell it and I woke up thinking that if he loved the house so much, ok, we'll stay and I'll see how things work out! I feel hopeful and relieved and thanks for some very insightful comments.

I was surprised to discover that it is now possible to simply join GN by signing up with Google! I had no idea until I was in a computer stew. Now to sort the names, poor Snowbell!

We moved 10 years ago. DH would have been happy to stay in Sth London but both our daughters moved 25 miles south to the same place ..so I did persuade him being closer to the grandchildren would be supporting our DDs. We are now well settled and happy here. We have made new friends locally ..though we still ..pre Covid... made the 40 minute journey regularly back to see pals. We are lucky to have a positive relationship still.. we have had a few bumpy times but mostly very happy in our almost 55 yrs of knowing each other & are pleased to spend our retirement & lockdown together. Won't move again unless it's into some care facility...

I was confused too!
?

Well, Jillybell (if I may call you that) I hope tomorrow is a better day!
?
?

Oh, FGS, I'm confused too. I've had a terrible day and a terrible week during which my 'old' laptop, all of 5 years, ha, ha, started downloading a Windows update in the middle of a zoom session. Said laptop is now wrecked, so much reset by the software that I have thrown my hands in the air and given up. I set up a new name because I couldn't fulfill the password or email address requirements. Except this is a different device and I was feeling so upset when I posted that I didn't see the name. I can't cope, I'm switching off, I'll deal with this tomorrow assuming I've got time to fiddle about trying to get the system to let me in to delete one of the names. I hate these things, once computers were useful, now they they endlessly mess everything up. Thank you Not spaghetti, you have a strange username. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.

Hello,
Who are we talking to... Jillyjosie or snowbell21?
I'm confused.

Not easy- for sure. We moved here to look after my parents, but they have gone now. We bought this big pile as we fell in love with it, and it cost us a lot of money to make the big move. At the time, we could (before 'B' and 'C') just come and go as and when we pleased, back and forth. But now is has all changed and I would like to be nearer daughters and grandchildren- but OH has put his foot down. He is very happy to visit UK often, which is why we have kept a flat there, and daughters, and close family and friends, all have space to host us- but he has made it perfectly clear this is his last ever home, forever, and that is it.

I have promised our girls and GCs I would back to UK if ever left on my own.

I'm not entirely happy with where we are living now. Its a lovely property, but in a very isolated rural area, we've been here for just over 5 years.

I find that its a bit tooooo quiet and out of it for me, but my very much homebird DH is as happy as a pig in muck here and moving would turn his little world upside down. He dosent ask for much and I wouldnt want to really push a move knowing that it would be very unsettling for him and he would not be happy.

The 'deal' that I have with him (in non Covid times at least) is that its A OK for me to go off on holidays without him plus visiting peeps in different parts of the country.

It works for us while we are both still fairly healthy and active, though if we are still around in years to come, it might not be so practical, particularly if neither of us can drive.

Another take on this.........on holiday in the Canaries once year I once got chatting to a bloke who lived there while his wife still lived in the UK. They were still very much married and spent time together with one another a number of times a year. This 'living apart' arrangement seemed to work very well for them.

Sounds like the problem is more with your relationship than the house Snowbell no amount of moving will resolve that unless its to separate establishments.
I agree with Urmstongran you need to sort out what it is you really want and be honest with yourself.

Moving house isn’t going to solve all the underlying problems and the resentment you have built up between you. If you can start to communicate effectively and discuss what you each expect from the other, you may be better placed to decide together whether to move or stay put.

I’ve known a few people over the years who have seen a house move as a solution to all their problems, and one or two who were serial movers. That’s a jolly expensive way to deal with problems!

Thanks also for the last two posts which I've only just seen.

Thanks, I appreciate the comments. I would be happy in a detached house, quiet enough for me to sleep at night with the window open and I am horrified at living somewhere with lots of noise though the party wall. Is that too much to ask? Shame I don't have a house in France or I'd be there.
I also want to live close enough to the people /activity I mentioned with whom I have become close during lockdown via Zoom.

Make a list of all the things you dislike about your present house and location and then get him to sit down and go through it with you.Then ask him if you moved, what criteria would he like for the new house? Write it down, then say what you are looking for.Get him to agree to call the estate agent again and tell him that you are unhappy.Make sure you get it right for the next move.Good luck househunting.

You’re unhappy that’s for sure. You have a group of friends and interests in the next county and are keen to move there. Your more passive, self contained husband hasn’t and isn’t. An impasse.

You need to sit down and talk together about your hopes for the future. Communication is key.

I’m unsure whether a move together is what you want. It seems that you’re thinking along the lines of splitting up. Maybe there’s someone Newhart you’d like to get to know better in that next county?

You need to be honest with yourself first. Sort things out in your head. Then talk it through. Then plan accordingly.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

The first sentence of the OP reads We moved five years ago to a smaller city. DH was very reluctant to move, you then say The move to our current location was driven by me, I admit.

Then towards the end you say I feel trapped by his lazy acceptance of the house as being fine for him and I have to therefore put up with it.

He has moved once because you wanted to move and he didn't. Why should he have to do it again?

Reading your post, more widely I agree with notspaghetti,
'Would you really be happy anywhere?'

I suppose he thought this was the "last move".
Maybe the road has got busier but it sounds to me as though you aren't happy with him.

Would you really be happy anywhere?