Do you think people judge you if you’re estranged from members of your family?

WW010
I think you are very wise to keep out of it.

Sara - he has a good relationship with his son. The mother doesn’t speak to the son either and son and daughter don’t speak. I dunno. I just watch and keep out of it.
NellG - you made me smile. There’s an element of me in how you describe yourself. I have no siblings to fall out with unfortunately (?). I remember my old dad described his siblings as ‘sooners’. I once asked what he meant and he said well you always know that sooner rather than later.... I got what he meant ??.

Same as M0nica.
But you shouldn`t care what others may or may not think about you.

WW010, hmmm. People have very different ideas of what's important don't they? I hope you don't do too much for him, not being blood family and all... ;)

Thinking about blood family, I remember in my 'roof' saying to friends that if I met my siblings in a pub I'd roll my eyes at them and think they were jerks. I can't say anything has changed! I estranged from them all a while ago, after the issues with my son - so I guess people would judge me. After all, there must be something wrong if I have so many people I am no longer in contact with. I suppose there is, if having a healthy sense of self worth is a problem. Tbh, they were all just bloody exhausting to be around. I wish it had been better, but it all is what it is and I'm happier with out them - even DS as he chose to become a very wearing person. You can love people but really dislike them at the same time.

WW010
Maybe he feels guilty about the divorce, or the affect it had on his daughter.
Does he have a relationship with his son? If so, what’s his take on it?

Sara1954

WW010
That’s a sad story, presumably his ex has poisoned her mind, maybe it would be worth contacting her, she doesn’t have to respond. Maybe she’s hoping he will make the first move.
Chewbacca
Always good to know somebody gets you!

.

Oh he does. I make him phone or text her every month or so. She doesn’t respond. It’s so hard seeing him being hurt. Ive never met her but don’t like her just based on that. I’ve said to him that they (x and daughter) don’t like that he’s happy. He ‘wasn’t meant to be happy’ when she left him. We met about 3 yrs post his divorce and yes, daughter aside he is happy! Time will tell.

WW010
That’s a sad story, presumably his ex has poisoned her mind, maybe it would be worth contacting her, she doesn’t have to respond. Maybe she’s hoping he will make the first move.
Chewbacca
Always good to know somebody gets you!

.

Sara1954

WW010
I think it depends on the circumstances of the estrangement. I absolutely do not ever want to reconcile with my mother, because I’d be right back in the horrible situation I was in before we estranged, and I’d have to be mad to go back there.
But many years ago I fell out with a very dear friend, it was something we couldn’t come back from, but I miss her every day. We bump into each other occasionally, and have a lovely chat, but I guess there’s too much water under the bridge now. Looking back, I wish I’d been less stubborn, and tried to sort things out.

I don’t understand why she doesn’t contact him. It’s a mystery to me. His x left him after 30 yrs and the daughter stopped speaking to him. I have no idea why. Shes a grown woman not a child. Has her own life etc. I’ve asked him but he says he doesn’t know. I can’t imagine it’s anything sinister. He’s a decent man. I agree though that a way back should be left open and I have encouraged that. We never know what life will bring. The money thing does upset me but I know there’s more important things.

I think we might be related Sara1954

Chewbacca
Sometimes I wonder if she just might leave me something, because she knows how uncomfortable it would make me!

She’s played the inheritance game for years with the rest of the family, I’m glad I’m out of it!

WW010
I think it depends on the circumstances of the estrangement. I absolutely do not ever want to reconcile with my mother, because I’d be right back in the horrible situation I was in before we estranged, and I’d have to be mad to go back there.
But many years ago I fell out with a very dear friend, it was something we couldn’t come back from, but I miss her every day. We bump into each other occasionally, and have a lovely chat, but I guess there’s too much water under the bridge now. Looking back, I wish I’d been less stubborn, and tried to sort things out.

I had the same thoughts about "what if she did leave me something", Sara1954 and I decided that I'd just never go and pick it up or, if was dumped on me, I'd just put it in the bin. I know my DC wouldn't want anything from there!

NellG

I won't be leaving anything to my ES - if I am not wanted then neither is anything I've built. There is money in trust for my GC, but not accessible until she is 25. I don't believe you get to treat people like dirt and then get rewarded for it when the object of your contempt dies. He already knows I love him, but he's made his choice with all that goes with it.

This is so interesting. My OH is estranged from his daughter but insists she will get half with his DS getting the other half. I’m his partner of 8 yrs and I get nothing because I’m not ‘blood family’. I’ve reconciled myself with that - for now. I feel inheritance is a gift not a right. He s worried she’ll be upset if he cuts her out or down. Ive tried to gently say he won’t be there (!) but he doesn’t seem to want to consider that. I’m hoping time will soften the issue. Things change. I think what cuts me up most is we have two little GDs who he loves to bits - but the estranged D gets the inheritance??? Strange to me. ?‍♀️

We've also made that decision Nell. We feel it would be inappropriate for him to inherit from us, after all it's a gift isn't it not a right.

I won't be leaving anything to my ES - if I am not wanted then neither is anything I've built. There is money in trust for my GC, but not accessible until she is 25. I don't believe you get to treat people like dirt and then get rewarded for it when the object of your contempt dies. He already knows I love him, but he's made his choice with all that goes with it.

Kandinsky

Thank you both for your replies.
And yes. I guess I’m wistful but essentially content.
I do think there’s almost ‘a point of no return’ with estrangement.
After 10 years I’d barely know my sister now.

10 years is no time. My mum reunited with her sister after 50 years. They had a happy few years making up for lost time before the sister died. If you want to try and reconcile go for it. If it works great. If it doesn’t you lost nothing. Good luck whatever you choose.

Glasgowgal So very sad, you're not alone in this and the fact that his MIL said what she did is an indicator of why things need up this way. What kind of woman would say that? My best wishes to you

MOnica, most people would welcome a ‘good big healthy cheque’. The point is whether parents who have been estranged from an adult child for many years, with the hurt and distress involved, should be obliged to leave part of any inheritance to that adult child. Sara1954 has posted she would find it hypocritical to be left a legacy.

I’ve thought about the inheritance thing, I’ve long been told that my mother is leaving me out of her will, which is absolutely fine by me.
What actually worries me, is that she has second thoughts, and at the last minute leaves me a small inheritance, I couldn’t accept it, it would seem like the worst kind of hypocrisy. I don’t expect it to happen, but if it did, I think I’d give it to my children.
What makes me sad, is what my dad would have made of all this.

I think for many people, a good big healthy cheque, no matter who it comes from, is a very welcome addition to resources at any time of life, regardless of age.

Glasgowgal, as you say , you will always love him. This is a positive and helpful attitude you have. I do like that you can accept you love him without any return from him.

Thanks for the flowers TrendyNannie.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister freedomfromthepast. I agree that being 'the golden child', favoured and spoiled does it's own type of damage.

Smileless; I see inheritance spoken about on GN. I wonder if it is a bigger thing in the UK than it is here in the US? Or maybe it is in the US, but just not where I am at? Of course, the majority of us are not Rockefellers with generations of family money I suppose.

My mother apparently wrote me out of her will. I was thrilled! I do not want or need a thing from her for one. I have also done well in my life so I dont need an inheritance.

Everything will be left to my youngest sister now, and I am happy. She is, unfortunatly, very emotionally stunted due to my mothers behavior. While I was the one least liked, she was the one most affected by being favored and spoiled. That does a completely different type of damage. I would much rather she get anything she can so that she can take care of herself after my mother passes.

Oh yes totally Smileless, I’ve got experience of siblings and so my situation doesn’t involve any of my AC , feel for you ?

I don't understand why anyone would want to inherit anything from someone they refused to have anything to do with.