How can I move on?

I read your post last night Pinktulip and the associated replies from GN members, and I hope that you have found support and strength from this thread. Initially, I thought that, with work, you would both be able to put your long marriage and relationship back together again, but then as I read on, and you told us that he had discussed your health with this OW, in your bed, while you were in hospital, I was beyond words. He is putting all the blame on you; it is your fault that you can't move on from his adultery/ it is your fault you can't trust him when he works away from home, it is your fault that your skin crawls as you sleep in your bed knowing he was in it with his mistress. This man has no thought for your mental health, for your state of mind, is making no efforts at all to mend the marriage. Please think seriously about getting your finances sorted, see a solicitor, and move on. You will never know a day's peace while you stay with him. He is the one who broke the marriage, not you. There are many on here who have been through similar situations, sadly, and they will hand hold and get you through this. He does not deserve you, your so called friend does not deserve you, and if you were to let it be known why you are divorcing him, who could blame you? Get onto a solicitor, don't mess about with the free half hour stuff, just get a good divorce lawyer, get your future secured, and then when you can, fly off to visit your daughter. Good luck

Since posting, Pinktulip, I have read your additional posts, and I think you are the victim of a particularly predatory type of Other Woman.

One who seeks an affair purely for illicit excitement secure in the knowledge of a complaisant husband, enjoys playing games by texting advice about the husband and using the marital home for adultery, is everybody's friend dispensing cakes and sympathy, but exits swiftly when exposed, leaving a trail of disruption behind her.

She certainly duped your husband, which does not make his behaviour, past and present, any less despicable.

Sounds like your husband is expecting you to do all the work repairing your relationship Pinktulip it's enough for him to just remain in the marriage

I agree with the above. Only you can decide what is best for you personally but please make your decision based on facts not on apparent "gaslighting"

Pinktulip I hope by reaching out here and gaining strength from the shared experiences and support that you'll realise you don't have to carry their shame for them. It's the weight of that shame that's affecting you and stopping you speaking about this elsewhere. You did nothing wrong, you only need to carry your own load, no one else's.

I do hope you're feeling a bit less adrift with this and that today will be a better day. x

V3ra my daughter knows her dad had an affair and who with. She also knows OW.

She was very kind to me but I spared her all the details because it’s still her dad and she loves him. She thinks it’s all done and dusted because it’s now 2 years later and I haven't mentioned it since. Anyway she’s got her own life on the other side of the world and i can’t burden her with my troubles.

I don’t tell anyone about it really. I think that’s probably why it has affected me so much.

Pinktulip at 62 you are potentially only two thirds of the way through your life. Sounds like it's time for your next chapter.
Does your daughter know what's been going on?

Pinktulip from a bluebelleyou are far from alone it has happened to me more than once and the reason I m ommy own and reasonably ok

NellG

pinktulip - Pack a bag, and run don't walk! I've just caught up and what these people have put you through is unconscionable.

See a solicitor, take everything you can to support your future. Oh and sue that bloody therapist whilst you're at it! or at least report them to whichever organisation they work for.

As for punishing him...well, this would get deleted if I said what I really thought.

You deserve so much better than this - be your own best friend and build a life no one can take from you. x

My thoughts exactly.

Ive re-read all your advice. Thank you so much.
I don’t feel like a such a freak now for not being able to get over it all and not look back.
And i am reassured that 62 is fine for taking on whatever happens! I had got in the mindset that my life was practically over and i was far too old to start again. I think i must be depressed.
Thank you for being so kind to a random stranger on the internet. I feel better than after a whole year of the weird couples counselling!

OMG! The thought that OW’s husband could run off with another man and take all her money is the absolute BEST ?. Thank you for that story.

‘My’ OW got a reputation as a kind, sweet woman who makes you birthday cakes and homemade jewellery. This really did my head in for a long time - that no one would think she was awful for carrying on with Mr Tulip. I used to fantasise that she would be mass-shunned and people would refuse her cake.

While she was loving up my husband, she pretended she was my friend. She even texted me once to say mr T was on his way home “tired after a long day”. I don't know what she thought she was doing. She had no need to do that.

Im sorry so many of us have had husbands who have done this. It’s so painful. I cant believe this is the man i married.

I really feel for you, for the heartache that you've had and for the difficult decision of whether to change your life. And it is a huge change! Only you can decide if he's been and is being selfish and isn't really being the way you need him to be, as your repentant and loving husband. And if you do decide that he's no longer the husband you need, then you DO have choices! If he /you are quite well off then finances aren't so much of a problem. Also someone suggested you could go see your daughter in Australia once Covid is over. I think this could be a good breathing space for you to really clear your head. And if you have two long time friends, you could consider going to live near them and start again. Why not speak to them and start making tentative plans? You also have us on here for support! I wish you peace of mind, girlfriend! Remember, of all the things we fear, 99% never come true!

Pinktulip

I feel much better having read your advice. Thr lockdown will give me more time to recover hopefully.
I feel comforted that others have started again successfully at my age and older. Feeling that he and OW had stolen what's left of my life was making me abjectly depressed.
I would like to go to australia when i can. I miss my daughter.

It sounds awful but i wish he’d died rather than do this. It would have been easier to deal with.

OW does deserve a slap but instead shes happily back in the bosom of her family. Her husband knows about her affair but he doesn’t seem to care. I heard that she was angry with my husband for revealing their secret and jeopardising her family.

Bide your time. My nemesis went back into the ‘bosom of her family’ (just husband). He even wrote to me to tell me he was not surprised my husband had fallen for her as she was so beautiful. I hated her with every fibre of my being. 2 years later. I was happy - divorced but settled. ExOH came to tell me her husband had left her for another man. He’s been having an affair with the guy for years. They had built a villa in Italy and were moving there. He’d also salted lots of cash where she couldn’t get it. I laughed. A lot. I believe in karma. She will reap what she’s sown. But that’s not your job. Your job is now to be happy. That’s the best revenge. Don’t carry bitterness. It only destroys you and affects nobody else. You’ll be great I’m sure.

Please seek legal advice and get all paperwork you can on your finances and assets - cold as that may seem. Overreacting outrageously indeed! your husband had an affair with a friend and invited her into your home whilst you were having a major operation! No wonder you cannot reconcile if he still making out it is your problem, it bloody well isn't!

Watch a leap of faith

Also happened to me. It even went as far as her going on holiday with him, on a holiday he and I should have been on.

My ex said he was sorry. That it would never happen again. And I suppose it didn't. And like you for 2 years we stayed together. But then gradually, my feelings had changed, without me realising. And one day, I woke up and decided I didn't want to see him. No big decision, but I needed a break from him. He messaged me three weeks later (!) and asked how I was, and I messaged back and said, I think that's it, don't you?

After the trauma of the breakup, I was remarkably OK. Very sad at a certain point everyday. I had a bad time of day. But nothing like I had been expecting.

If you stay, I think you will find your feelings for him will eventually completely die. Good for those that can get past an affair. I thought I could, but was wrong.

Seacliff
This topic goes to show how common this is and we all feel the pain and hurt it leaves us feeling and to be honest it never leaves us.

I have been through similar and totally empathise with your feelings. It is such a devastating sickening shock when you think you are both happy and then find that out.

I stayed in the end, but he had left that job and was not anywhere near her anymore. I could not have stood it if he were still staying away on "work" trips, and still working with her. I would not trust him, or her.

I have never forgotten it and although I didn't keep bringing it up, it spoilt our marriage. We rub along OK now but things were never the same. Looking back I wish I had been braver and left then.

If you have some close friends, perhaps start by confiding in one of them. It will likely make you feel a lot better to talk to someone in real life who knows and loves you. It may give you the strength and confidence to know you can start again and build a happy life for yourself. Peace of mind is so important.

PS your story word for word was my story
I'm single now after 11 years aged 61 and much happier x

Pinktulip
You saying that you would wish he had died as it would be easier to accept
Is exactly what I said and truly felt
But it wasn't something other like to hear me say

I feel much better having read your advice. Thr lockdown will give me more time to recover hopefully.
I feel comforted that others have started again successfully at my age and older. Feeling that he and OW had stolen what's left of my life was making me abjectly depressed.
I would like to go to australia when i can. I miss my daughter.

It sounds awful but i wish he’d died rather than do this. It would have been easier to deal with.

OW does deserve a slap but instead shes happily back in the bosom of her family. Her husband knows about her affair but he doesn’t seem to care. I heard that she was angry with my husband for revealing their secret and jeopardising her family.

Leave this man Pinktulip. He is not worthy of you. You need to plan very carefully, though, and find a good solicitor. Once you set things in motion you will begin to focus on the future. You are certainly not too old at 62 to start again. A trip to Australia to see your daughter will be something to look forward to, once you are able to travel. Sending you very best wishes.

Ps she needs a slap too. What a horrible woman. We can’t control who we fall in love with but we can be decent and behave with grace and dignity. That’s your aim now. Grace and dignity. Never let him say you were badly behaved. Hold your head up. X

Leave him. My first marriage, at a very young age, was to a serial adulterer, he talked me into staying after his first affair. I think it was just the first I found out about. It took me another year to get away completely. I met Mr. B 18 months later when I definitely wasn’t looking to start another relationship. We’ve been together ever since.

Oh am so sorry. This is horrible for you. I know a handful of ladies who suffered like you - including me but not as bad as your experience. I’d say leave. Only one I know stayed and she later confessed to me she should have left. She couldn’t forget either. Every time he got a text and smiled her stomach turned over.
As you say Covid is an issue. I think you should use this time to plan your future. Get your ducks in rows financially. Make sure you know where you’re going and plan how. Then when the time is right you have a good base to work with. I’d say going where your old friends are is a good idea initially. Take care and I wish you all the best. And no you’re not too old! ?❤️

My husband died some years ago and I had to make a new life again on my own.
So many women of your age have to do the same, either because of the death of a partner or the breakup of a relationship. You need to be strong.
Personally I believe that once trust has gone the marriage is over but only you know how you feel.

And if he was so unhappy with you as he told the counsellor it’s a pity he never thought enough of his marriage to discuss the situation with you before these two lovebirds found each other!! Same old story . Put it on the other party when you have betray your wife or husband.