Does my GD have Borderline Personality Disorder ?

'What can we, or I, do to help ?' - just don't! You have no idea how they all get along when you're not visiting - do you?

Thanks so far. I agree, it's disturbing, but we must leave the two parents to work out their own destinations. I just hope D or GD doesn't get hurt. D's husband has shown signs of violence in the past. e.g. he beat a door down with his fists, and once smacked his son too hard.

Yes, we'll up the communication keeping in touch occasions. Maybe once a week would be fine.

Problem is that we contrast this family with our son's family, where he is an excellent loving father and his daughter is as sweet as pie and they all have a loving partnership !

I'd suggest you keep in touch with the grandchildren.
Take an interest in their schooling, their hobbies, whatever. Talk to them by whatever means: text, WhatsApp, Facetime, whatever suits.
It sounds as if their parents have plenty of money but no time for them. Could you provide that time and a listening ear? Make them feel valued, be their emotional safe haven.

She sounds like a perfectly normal 10 year old living in a house that you describe as dysfunctional. She is well aware that her father holds no loving feelings towards her and her mother, it seems, works long hours and is to exhausted.

I was watching a Red Table Talk with Will Smith and the psychologist said "most children's wounds are that they werent listened to".

I believe that children's behavior is thier voice. The less they are listened to, the worse thier behavior may get.

As frustrating as it is, there is nothing you can do except offer your grandchildren love and stop trying to blame her behavior on something other than it is.

You can’t diagnose a 10 year old !! And not once but twice you diagnosed her as a younger child too with a different diagnosis
I m sure you mean well but she sounds a perfectly normal 10 year old
The adults must sort their own marriage (or divorce) out
All you can do is offer support if it’s ever asked for and stop trying to psychoanalyse the kids

If you're only going on what a ten year old tells you maybe speak to her mother for facts.10 yera old girls are hormonal and great at making up tales.
Apart from that its your daughters marriage and you need to step back from it.
I have friends who are the type to throw things at walls and yell but they say it gets rid of tension and they are happy in all other ways .We ARE all different ,what you think is toxic may well be their idea of fun!!

So your daughters marriage is non existant and toxic, her husband ignores his 10 year old daughter and you jump to diagnose your gd as borderline?

That poor child... who is on her corner?

OldGrandad, with the home background you had I can understand that the problems in your daughter's home must be upsetting and touch you on a raw spot.

Nevertheless, I would avoid attributing psychiatric disorders to any member of the family. Your DGD behaviour is completely in keeping with the behaviour of children growing up in stressful families like the one you describe.

There is very little you can do, just make sure that both your grandchildren feel safe and loved by you, with both being treated absolutely equally, and feeling loved equally. Gentle loving non-judgmental grandparents are so especially important to children growing up in a household like you describe.

I always understood that a professional would never put a label onto a child, for just that reason.

I can see a whole load of issues in the family from your post, but I don’t think anyone can diagnose a psychiatric disorder without (a) qualifications and experience in psychiatry, and (b) a face-to-face consultation with the subject.

What can you do? Offer love, concern and moral support, and bite your tongue if you get the urge to disparage any member of this complicated family. It may look monstrously dysfunctional to you, but they are still together and parenting their children in their own ways. A smart, stroppy, sulky ten-year-old is pretty normal, I’m afraid.