Does my GD have Borderline Personality Disorder ?

This little girl is 10. The Parents don’t get on. Father ignores her, doesn’t like her. Mother too exhausted. Possibly brother is favoured child, she is acting up to get attention in the only way she knows. I feel sorry for this little girl.
As a grandparent, why not read her a story or help with homework over FaceTime? Give her something to look forward to. Once a week, in this situation, is not enough. She is desperate to feel she matters to somebody. If the parents are well off why not get an au pair or a nanny to help out?

BPD has a genetic component as research increasingly shows
It also would never be diagnosed in this country before age 18.
The OP is in the US and hasnt returned

A lot of exaggeration on this topic, the parents disagree, nothing unusual there, involving social services is certainly not called for. The children are spoilt and obviously playing one off against the other, that might improve if they separated, wether their mother would be able to carry on with her career we don’t know. Their father does not sound much help, I guess he just stays out of the way and let’s them get on with it, if he is rich at least he will be able to pay child support.

BPD, would be the result of serious abuse as a child, where young adults have established abnormal personality traits and are unable to develop normal relationships.

For goodness sake!!! Poor child living in that situation! It's not her that's the problem, it's her parents! She is way too young to be diagnosed with that psychiatric problem and seriously - if she is living in that situation - if this is a real post - social services should be involved. In fact this situation does not sound real. If it is then you sound as bad as them.

It sounds as though you’re in the US. In the UK no -mental health professional would diagnose a BPD or any personality disorder under age 18 (min)
This is a toxic environment for any child.

Wise advice from Monica I think.

Comparing children is pointless, they have different personalities, different needs andcare individuals! In the situation as you describe most children would struggle, and struggling manifests in different ways! Imagine how insecure this little 10 year old must feel...however intelligent or "wise beyond her years" she is. She is still only 10.

But .. IF you ever have direct concerns about the physical safety of your granddaughter then you must act, the childs safety comes first; there is support available.

Parents arguing is obviously going to disturb the children, if your daughter spoils the children their father will always be seen as the bad guy, so he stays out of the way. By spoiling the kids your daughter will regret that in the future, its probably going to get worse as the children get older. Far too soon to start thinking of personality problems.
It doesn’t sound like a marriage that’s going to last long, nothing you can do except pick up the pieces if it goes wrong.

A personality disorder can develop over time when a child is not getting their needs met. Alot of you on here seem to be ignoring the fact that there is violence going on here and the child is witnessing it. That will disturb the child immensley...some have said as much as not to take tot much notice to what the child is saying??? Big mistake...you should be taking notice of what the child is saying and also be speaking to her Mother (your daughter) out of concern & safety of both the children and your daughters safety too. Your daughter may be too wrapped up with her job and see her job as an escape for what is going on at home...but what about the Children?? If your son in law is the one who works from home...he is the one who will be spending more time with the kids. I am afraid i would not want him around the children and if you have picked up that he does not like 10 year old that much...she will be feeling it!! I would speak to your daughter regardless for the sake of the Children as I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to them. It is then upto their Mother to address the situation and get the child some help and give her more support. The child is not acting up for nothing...she will be very mixed up and sometimes frightened. Your daughter owes it to her children to keep them safe both Mentally & Physically. If left ignored...yes, you will have 2 Grandchildren with long term problems in the future. Just to add...the other Grandchild may not be acting up but it will be affecting her internally.

Galaxy

Yes I have noticed. I did wonder what was going on. Always female children too.

Well obviously.
Men and boys are perfect. Just ask them.
/sarcasm

It’s much easier to put down girls. So many more nasty words, as soon as we stop being “nice” and “sweet”

Yes I have noticed. I did wonder what was going on. Always female children too.

Galaxy

Poor poor child. I find people talking about children like this just so unpleasant.

There is another thread on here doing the same.

Poor kids

BlueBelle

Oh dear massive mistake to compare families everyone’s happiness is different
Comparing a ‘sweet as a pie granddaughter’ to a ‘sulky disobedient, bossy, cheeky, daydreamer’ makes me feel VERY uncomfortable and wanting to give the second one a big old cuddle

You and me both.
Poor child, no one here seems to like her for who she is vs who they expect her to be.

So now, also the husband is physically abusive - I hope your daughter decides to leave him

A visit of 2 months.... way too long - having guests for that long and such an unhealthy attitude, it doesnt help the situation
Even here, in the US, it is a major no no.
Pandemic is here too

Crikey I do a 31 hour flight to visit my son but have never stayed longer than 3 /4 weeks I m sure I d drive them mad if I stayed for 2 months (and them me)
Stop comparing your two children’s lives, love the little stubborn moody one as much or more that the sweet as apple pie one Stop being critical or comparing the in-laws and stop analysing and diagnosing
You shouldn’t even be knowing they haven’t shared a bed for 2/3 years NOT your business at all

This poor child! - BPD at the age of 10!!

She is just a child who is living in the midst of a broken family and trying to make sense of it all and plough her way through it all as best she can. She is in survival mode, but does not have the emotional tools to deal with it all.

She needs her grandparents to be a stable and loving rock for her to cling to.

Poor poor child. I find people talking about children like this just so unpleasant.

Has it not occurred to you that the presence of grandparents for two months will impact on family dynamics? What you are commenting on so freely is based purely on your observations, flavoured by a dislike for your son-in-law, and to try and label your granddaughter with a 'condition' is dangerous.
Be prepared to offer help if asked, and keep in touch informally, but comparisons with your son's family are not helpful.

I think it US aggie. I do agree that to stay for 2 months is a long time, but do understand the problems when there is a long airflight and it is expensive.

Next time, why not make the stay shorter but start Zooming the family every week, or even just the grandchildren, then you could read to them and do some of the things you do when you stay. You may not be able to cuddle them, but you can use any special names you have for them, talk to them as you do when you are there, read books to them, even play board games. There is so much you can do, just to make them feel loved and missed.

If my parents visited me for 2 months I would have been throwing things !
Where is this ? Here I can’t visit my son in the next street ?

A forum like this is not the place to be asking for medical diagnoses OldGrandad as others have said children should not be given labels especially by unqualified people.
Your post is very critical of the family in comparison to your son's family. Look to yourself first before criticising others.

I agree. Once a week sounds quite formal and that could be counterproductive.
Think of it as being a bit more spontaneous, along the lines of an "I saw this and thought of you" moment.
Build your own relationship with your grandchildren rather than just through their parents. You say they would come to you for a cuddle while you were there, so they're obviously fond of you.
You are lovely grandparents to care about these two and want to help them.

Yes, we'll up the communication keeping in touch occasions. Maybe once a week would be fine.

I find this comment interesting. You seem to be approaching keeping contact your grandchildren in a very impersonal way. Get emotionally involved with your grandchildren, respond to their need, they might want to email you or whatsapp you several times a day, one day, only, once another time constantly, then not for several days. Send them links to funny things, to subjects that interest them. Find out what their need is, and then respond to it emotionally and physically.

Oh dear massive mistake to compare families everyone’s happiness is different
Comparing a ‘sweet as a pie granddaughter’ to a ‘sulky disobedient, bossy, cheeky, daydreamer’ makes me feel VERY uncomfortable and wanting to give the second one a big old cuddle

You should never compare ,families like everything else come in all varieties ,whose judgement was it that he smacked his son too hard?
My cup throwing friends had an arguement that resulted in adoor having ahole punched in it ...her answer was its a door ,he would never punch her or her kids.They've been married nearly 40 years ...happily .Give or take the odd cup

(By way of explanation, my parents always thought my husband was very quiet and aloof. He wasn't. He just didn't like them.)