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Step son didn’t contact dad for 3years

(25 Posts)
Willow73 Sat 20-Feb-21 19:31:25

My stepson didn’t contact his father for 3years, he has now made contact and keeps texting my husband to tell him all what’s going on in his life. He has never explained why he hid away from us and my side of the family, although his own marriage broke down months after getting married, which was when he stopped having contact with us. I haven’t got time for him now as I can’t understand how you can just walk away from your father and not care what he is going through in those 3years. He wants us to get together to show off his new partner and house I really don’t want to go, should I support my husband and go.

Calendargirl Sat 20-Feb-21 19:37:10

What does your husband think about it all?

sodapop Sat 20-Feb-21 19:38:55

I think you should go if your husband wants to. Give your stepson chance to explain what happened in the last three years. I don't know when you will be able to meet up but give him a chance,

M0nica Sat 20-Feb-21 19:42:13

Willow, he doesn't need to tell you why he hid away. His marriage broke up after a few months. What an absolutely devastating thing to have happen. You do not know what went on in that marriage that led to its early demise. Whatever it was, you step son just wanted to run away and hide. He didn't want to have to discuss it with anyone, he may have felt ashamed and a failure and unable to face the world he knew after such a disaster. I can well see myself doing something like that in his situation.

The other difficulty is having hidden away, coming back is equally difficult, especially as he has rebuilt his life and has a new partner. I think you should feel compassion and kindness to a son, who got lost and then found himself.

He could have walked away and never returned, instead after a period in the wilderness, he realised that what meant more to him than anything else was his family.

NellG Sat 20-Feb-21 19:42:36

Would it hurt your husband even more if you didn't? If you do, can you do it with good grace and self respect?

It's a tough one, how does your husband see it?

Rosie51 Sat 20-Feb-21 19:45:22

I think you should support your husband and go. `Obviously your stepson wants to re-establish the relationship with his father, and it would seem your husband does too. Much as you can't understand the 3 year absence, you also don't know how your stepson was during this time. Maybe he had a mental breakdown. It's hard to make contact after such a breakdown in a relationship and I'd want to give him a chance. If you are hostile to your stepson it could drive a wedge between your husband and you. Did you have a good relationship with him before the break, if so perhaps in time you could again?

Smileless2012 Sat 20-Feb-21 19:45:57

I think you should be honest with your H about how you feel about this and if you can, go with him to give him support Willow.

It's a terrible thing to do as I know only too well and I hope your H will be very careful. IMO you need to be able to discuss this with him so he can talk about it to you.

What if any are his expectations? Does he want to find out the reasons or simply draw a line under it? Do you know if his son wants to talk about why he estranged? If he does, is your H prepared for what might be said?

I hope for both your sake that he will see this as the first step on what will be at times a difficult and long journey to reconciliation. Three years with no contact and no explanation is a difficult thing to come to terms with.

Good luckflowers.

Nicegranny Sat 20-Feb-21 19:46:14

It must have been very upsetting for your husband so put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if it was one of your adult children that did this.

paddyanne Sat 20-Feb-21 19:47:10

isn't it your husbands choice its HIS son ,I'd keep out of it and do what youe OH decides is right for him and his son

Grandmabatty Sat 20-Feb-21 19:47:19

If your husband wants to see his son then it would be kind to support him with that. Does he want you to go with him? Maybe a compromise. He sees his son alone for the first time and, if it works out, you go along the next time. That way you're not tempted to say something.

Aldom Sat 20-Feb-21 19:47:57

A beautiful, wise and deeply touching post MOnica

Willow73 Sat 20-Feb-21 19:48:29

Calendargirl, he has just said that he is his son and hasn’t questioned him as to why.

Redhead56 Sat 20-Feb-21 19:51:34

If he wasn’t a bad person he deserves a second chance he probably saw the error of his ways. Give him the time to explain why he went off grid you never know he might well regret it.

Willow73 Sat 20-Feb-21 19:54:33

Thank you all so much for your advice and comments. I will now support my husband and go with him. He has as you have said returned to his father which must be a hard thing to do. I will hide my past doubts and see how it goes. X

Dragonella Sat 20-Feb-21 19:57:52

Yes, of course you should go, and you should welcome him and his new partner, and be nice-but-distant to his ex-wife if you see her. None of this is your call.

Your husband says "He's my son," meaning that's enough of a reason to see him. That's how I would feel if it were my son, too.

MerylStreep Sat 20-Feb-21 20:25:47

Some time ago you said that your husband was a control freak, always had to be right and talked over you.
Perhaps these were characteristics that the son did not accept.

Lyndylou Sat 20-Feb-21 20:43:05

Please support your husband and give the lad a chance to build his relationship with his father. My son was missing from my life for 2 years, he has been back 10 years now and I know a little but not all of what happened. He felt ashamed to come home and the longer he left it, the more he felt he couldn't come back. I have a great relationship with him now and my present partner has been a fantastic support. His dad's present partner just can not let it rest though and it poisons the relationship of son and dad.

cornishpatsy Sat 20-Feb-21 21:00:58

It could be now or never. You should just be pleased contact has resumed, if it does not happen now it may be over for good.

Hithere Sat 20-Feb-21 21:44:59

Sometimes when you know the why, it may not make sense to you

I am glad you are supporting your dh

Willow73 Sat 20-Feb-21 23:15:08

Lyndylou, thank you for your message. I am glad things worked out for you and your family.

welbeck Sat 20-Feb-21 23:38:46

i am minded of the story of the prodigal son,

Mollygo Sun 21-Feb-21 00:12:51

Glad you’ve been able to make a decision. If your husband wants you to be part of the get together, that’s good.

MagicWand Sun 21-Feb-21 13:46:42

Great post M0nica.

Glad you’re going to give him a second chance Willow.

Nonogran Mon 22-Feb-21 10:33:04

It's great you're supporting your husband but when you go please give the two men space to have a private chat. Don't sit on his shoulder & inhibit a heart to heart. It might not happen - we know what men are like, but if you can, take a step away - perhaps engage with his new partner in a different room so the men have time alone together. An opportunity to talk? There might be a lot of ground to cover which can't be overcome in one visit but it's a start whilst everyone gets comfortable again. The pot is cracked, it may never entirely be mended but it needs a chance. All the best to you all for this fresh and optimistic start. It's good news.

Tangerine Mon 22-Feb-21 10:38:50

I think you should go with your husband. He probably wants to see his son and, if you don't go, another rift may get started.

As Nonogran has said, you can get to know his new partner while father and son have a private chat.

I hope the reunion goes well. Did you like your stepson before the rift?