bad marriage , no escape

Looks like another thread where OP hasn’t returned despite excellent advice offered. . Too many of those about at the moment!

You’ve allowed him to treat you like this so he thinks he’ll get away with it. I was the same with my ex. I took him back once and he behaved worse! I thought I’d never survive financially on my own but here I am divorced and in my own house with a mortgage! Go and get some legal advice, you can get an hour free. You’ll be surprised what you’re entitled to. He can’t stay in the house if he can’t afford the mortgage so the house will have to be sold. Don’t stay with someone who makes your life a misery. You deserve better x

I feel for you so much but you are still young enough to make a new life for yourself and it will surely be better than the life you have at the moment. You need good legal advice but should you wish to divorce him he cannot refuse to sell the house. He will probably be able to claim half of the equity in your house and half of any savings and pension you have but a solicitor will advise you on this.

Go to a solicitor ASAP ( can also be done on line Or by phone ) no need to guess or wonder get the facts & figures , best wishes.

40 years is a very long time to be with someone who acts like he does, I’m afraid I’d rather live in a shed than live like this, he has zero respect for you, 3rd time in 15 years he’s been associated with this woman, please go to see a solicitor, and get your finances sorted, you deserve a better life, please leave him, he will never change, I’m not surprised you are feeling down,

Good advice Gagajo.

You are the one who is earning. Leave him in the house (for now). Rent somewhere tiny. A room if necessary. Take anything that is of any value with you (because he may steal or destroy).

Take your name off all of the utilities for the house. Give them his details. The only thing you need to keep paying is the mortgage (this is your future home money).

THEN get a solicitor. He can't stay in the house if he can't pay the mortgage. It will have to be sold. The solicitor can help you do that. You will have to split the equity with him but that is unavoidable.

You are not old. Invest some time into getting out and taking your life back. I wish you well. The future looks bright if you can get away.

Just go to a solicitor, there’s always a way out. Life’s too short.

There's already lots of good advice here, so I wont repeat it, but I will add that losing money/things/a house is unfair, awful and regrettable - losing your sense of self and your sanity to someone else's appalling behaviour is something much worse. When you get to the end of you life which would you rather, a nice house and the mental torture of living with a man you despise, or the memories of a good few years of freedom and (hopefully) happiness? I'd rather have the second in a tent living off baked beans. Best wishes, I hope you work it out

Circumstances vary of course Sodapop and we're not all the same.. But I don't think it's worth staying in a marriage for financial security. It wasn't easy leaving . I was a civil servant and had to work part time in a library as well for a while but it was worth it. CS1958 sounds more than capable of making a new life for herself.

Yes sometimes it's necessary to lose out financially to gain freedom and happiness nadateturbe I did exactly that. Each person's circumstances are different of course.

You are not trapped unless you choose to be.
I left my lovely house (not home) and part bought a much smaller older house which was a happy home.
You are wasting your life. You are not dependent on this man. You can get help to leave ( plenty of advice given) or stay and be miserable.

One joint owner of a house is entitled to insist on a sale, if they want one. Other joint owner(s) can't block it, but may delay as GreyKnitter said.

Please don’t waste your life with this man a minute longer.
Do something and take control !

Not wishing to put a dampener on things, even if and when this went to court and they ordered the house to be sold - it will still takes ages for this to happen if your husband is dragging his feet and you’ll have spent thousands on legal support. My daughter and her two young sons left her abusive husband and the court were not sympathetic to he needs - she’d paid most of the household bills and mortgage as they said she still has earning power which was more than her husbands so didn’t need more than half of the property. He withdrew from several sales of the joint property for various tenuous reasons and its only now after 3 years that’s she has been able to release her part of the equity and that was in a slightly dubious - but totally legal way. Do make sure that you get proper legal advice and accept that it’s not always as easy as sounds to get rid of him if he is determined to stay.

Go to a solicitor. See exactly where you stand. Then you can make a decision knowing what that will mean in practice.

There is escape, if you want it but as Hithere says it may making difficult decisions. But you are not trapped unless you chose to stay.

CS1958 If you decide to separate or divorce, I think you should gently raise your reasons and your sadness with your boys (as others suggest).

They may not be as surprised as you think... and they will surely have your best interests at heart.

You may not want to worry them but they will need to know, and it is better that they hear something true from you than later hear nonsense from your husband.

Take care.

I really feel for you as I know this is a massive step. It won't be easier if you wait till you are retired, though, and I sense that's what you are thinking.
At the moment, technically at least, you are both working which is easier in some ways as you won't keep going over things all day every day and you will probably be out and about again in a few months.

IF you can face 20 or more years of this, then consider staying... but I sense that you now want to be yourself and enjoy life a little. Make a pros and cons list. Just look at which is longest.

I would rather have a tiny home and struggle a bit than a big home where only sadness can be found.

Contact a solicitor for a free session and give Women's Aid a call for a first chat too. They will have info and lots of experience in this area. He really is undermining you and belittling you. What would you say if this was a daughter or a close friend?
If you feel desperate some days don't forget the Samaritans who provide a listening ear.

Someone earlier said not to bother with counselling - I'd say counselling is worth every penny if it helps you work things through. Don't rule it out.

Be bold. You are stronger than you think. And wiser too. You are the expert in how you feel. You can make changes. Once you feel able to spread your wings a little you will surely feel lighter as you will be free of oppression.

You are not alone. Thousands of women every year make this sort of big change. Although there will still be some darker days, I'm sure, I haven't heard of any yet that has regretted it.

Good luck. Be strong. Find out your financial options and make a firm decision.

If you are looking for advice then it has to be consult a lawyer to find out where you stand. You should let your children know what you are doing. You cannot change the locks of a matrimonial home to keep him out, tempting as it sounds. Unfortunately this would be held against you. I know,as I wanted to do just that and my lawyer was very clear that I should not. The fear of being alone is greater than being alone.

Get shot as soon as. Don’t waste any more time on this loser.

I was in a marriage for 46 years that wasn’t brilliant. Due to an accident the last 5 years were quite traumatic. My husband died 2 years ago. I’ve dyed my hair, lost weight and (before lockdown) enjoyed life like never before (including a new man!). My only regret - should have done it years ago!
So take legal advice and get out of the marriage. You cannot get those years back, I never thought I could manage financially on my own but I’m managing. So get your life back - you won’t regret it!

flexiblefriend it might be illegal, but he would have the hassle of trying to get back into the home and he would know that she meant business.

That's illegal Oopsadaisy1 but you can start divorce proceedings without so much as a conversation between you. He can't refuse to move the courts can order the house to be sold and a division of percentages to each of you. To me it sounds as if the OP is scared of being alone and would rather enable this man than end it and start over. Oh you may have a pension OP but the courts can order that to be split too. So before you decide see a Solicitor and find out where you stand. Hia ongoing affairs are irrelevant as you're still together if 6 months have passed you are seen as forgiving him.

You teach people how to treat you,as Hithere put it,you need to take your power back.

Its sad you are having a difficult time at this time of life. You have been given good advice here so far act on it asap. I personally would not waste good money on counselling. Talk to your friends just getting things of your chest helps a bit.

If you can't have a decent conversation with your husband don't bother getting shouted will upset you more. Occupy your mind with anything to pass the time and go for walks if you are able. Seek advice sooner than later.