Friendship has run its course?

Personally, I would send one final email saying that you're sorry she feels this way right now and that you'll not write again power the request but that if she feels that she wants to reconnect, you'll be happy to respond should she make the first move.

I don't think I can say much fairer than that.

It does sound odd. I think most friendships that have run their course sort of fizzle out rather than end like this if there hasn't been a big fall out.
Two possibilities that others have mentioned crossed my mind as well - does she have dementia and her husband is trying to protect her/himself from difficult discussions or meetings or is he controlling her life in an abusive way?
It's possible neither is the case, of course.
If you have other mutual friends you could talk to about it or live quite near her and could arrange to bump into her somewhere when her husband might not be with her, I would be tempted to try to find out more in case she is in difficulty. You'd certainly have to tread carefully though.
I know of someone in a second marriage where everything seemed great at first, but he has turned out to be controlling and doesn't want her to speak to or meet friends on her own, persuaded her into a house move that she didn't want etc.
If it turns out she genuinely didn't want to continue your friendship and there's no coercion by her OH, you just have to accept it and move on. Try to remember the good times and don't feel too sad - we're all odd in our own sweet ways and life's too short to waste time worrying about these things.
Hope you get some reassurance that she's ok.

My thoughts were along the lines of a mental health problem. I had something similar, where a friend just dropped off the radar for about 10 years. She gradually started commenting on my FB posts & when we met up again eventually, she explained that she’d had a breakdown & seeing old friends was triggering. We’re now back to being good friends again.

It is common for abusive people to cut themselves off from friends and family, isolation makes things a lot harder for the victim and easier for the perpetrator
I've seen it happen, you are talking on the phone and she has to hang up suddenly as he has just arrived, and I've also seen a letter from someone that I was almost certain was written by a husband saying that she didn't want anything to do with the organisation we were both in, all we could do is send a letter thanking her for all she had done that would have arrived we hoped after her husband had gone to work, thanking her for her letter and letting her know we were there if she wanted to get back in touch
Without knowing more about the situation when things start opening up again is there any way you could get in touch, without her husband suspecting? Or ask anyone local who knows her or a family member, and maybe give them your contact details, as he might have deleted your number off the phone
My now ex did a wonderful job of cutting me off from family and friends, and eventually it was them who helped me.
She may not feel she can say anything but if it is that then knowing you are there for her will be a comfort

I wanted to share my family’s experience with you When my Dad retired he announced to my Mum that all her regular arrangements to see friends were to stop so they could spend more time together on lunches out and awaydays. He seemed to think this was his due reward for working, sometimes away from home. Mum had also worked but had retired at sixty. This all seemed sort of reasonable when Mum explained it to me. But then he insisted they shop together and he controlled the budget, he stopped her cigarettes she smoked one packet a week, stopped her magazines and stopped her lunch dates with friends and cousins which were all once a month arrangements , she also went to night school classes every year and he persuaded her not to enroll. All this happened as if it was reasonable then he intercepted phone calls and put people off, saying mum was out when she wasn’t etc. He turned family away including me, it took me a long time to realise what was happening. When he died suddenly at home of a heart attack I had to pick up all the pieces. Mum was in the early stages of dementia. People said that maybe he knew that and was protecting her in some way but there was a decline over the nine years in her whole life style, friends and family gave up on her, my dad could be very persuasive and also aggressive if he felt crossed.
It’s true you don’t know what goes on in a marriage, behind closed doors. I would advise you to step away for your own self preservation but keep some sort of eye on your friend and if she does end up on her own you can offer some support.
Take comfort from the fact you were as good a friend as you could have been. ???

I also had this once, nothing to do wuth covid or a husband, over a silly misunderstanding,which my friend refused to acknowledge. In the end I was the one who wrote the mail saying it was the end 9f the friendship ...I said I considered we had both lost a friend. In this case,there doesn't seem to be any reason and the tone doesn't sound like that of a friend. Best to probably just move on ...

It’s such a shame and I wonder how many friendships will stand the test of this awful time. True friends are invaluable ones like this one isn’t worth the bother! Move on and have a nice life.

If you are really concerned that this message came from your friend's husband and not her, perhaps you could try and speak to her directly by phone and say that, although you were upset by her email, you understand if she really does want to break off your friendship but you just want to check that the email came from her. If she says it did and doesn't seem to want to explain further, just wish her well and move on. However, if you still think she is being controlled by her husband offer your support and tell her you will always be there for her. Do you know her husband well and does he strike you as being controlling?

I have a friend who I have known for about 50 years. We always kept in touch even when she lived in Germany (husband was in the RAF) in those days by letter or phone. However, several years ago she stopped contacting me but always seemed very pleased to hear from me if I phoned. Eventually I got fed up with always calling her and decided that I would leave it to see if she phoned me, she never did. However, every Christmas she puts a letter in my card saying that she has been very amiss in not contacting me and promising to get in touch in the New Year but she never does. I now feel that I have dropped out of her memory bank as she probably has other friends in her life now so I have sadly accepted it.

My sister did exactly the same to me and said it was her husband that didn’t want her talking to me. Personally I think that’s just an excuse but it is what it is. Now my mother has died I won’t know if my sister is alive or dead ? it hurts me a lot to think a sister could treat me like that, but it all has come out in the wash now. My sister had my mums Will changed 3 months before she died and while I was in hospital last year.
This last terrible act of awfulness has now proved to me I’m better off without her. My mother’s money will not buy her happiness. I’ll stick with my friends. ?

It could be something that you have said that irritates her, and you dont even realise it. I have a couple of friends who really irritate me, one is such a know-all, and keeps telling me where i have gone wrong, and the other will spend much of the phone call telling me about her granddaughter who is really clever, attractive, lovely figure etc. I think they dont even realise that they are doing it. I find it really irritating and wish they would email instead of phone.

I met a 'friend' through work and we used to carry out joint visits together, share office time and she even came to my house for family barbeques. Would we meet up in the evening with my other friends for drinks. I assumed we were quite close but I understood that she had her foibles and would go out without inviting me and would sometimes go off on her own. When she left her job I assumed we would keep in touch and continue our friendship. That didn't happen. I hear from her quite rarely, the last text was to ask if I had any toiletries I didn't want as she was collecting for her current job role. Sometimes you just have to accept people as they are and move on.

Yup, I'd go with the controlling husband answer- probably jealous of all her old friendships and wants to get her right oner his thumb. That said, if you a) can't speak to her personally on the telephone and b) you don't live close enough to see her regularly, there's not a lot you can do other than somehow contact her a be nice and supportive to her - without being horrid about her OH of course as that is bound to make her defensive ! I was advised all the above by a medic friend when bothered about an alcoholic friend- if you can't be there pretty much all the time, best not be there at all. Good luck - take care of yourself in the midst of all this. Kindness to yourself and to your friends does go a long way. Just make sure that she knows your ear is always open for her - whatever her email said.

Very sad way to do it but have to wonder if it was actually her that sent it?
I don't know of anyone that would rather conduct a friendship via email over a phone call - unless they are not in the same country and there is a big time difference!
Also, the fact that it is a joint email address with her husband - I mean, who has that these days?
OK, so sometimes when you have been friends with someone since childhood or through being work colleagues and both of you have changed over the years.
Why not just send an email back and say how disappointed that you are that she feels that way and that you have treasured knowing her and if at any time she needs a friend that you will still be there for her. If you get no reply, you will just have to accept it, sadly.

Have you disagreed over Brexit, Trump, vaccination, adherence to lockdown regulations, religion... ?

@justwokeup I’d prefer such a message to being ghosted, too.

I suppose if the friend was having mental health problems she might write in a different style from usually?

Some years ago at work I took part in research looking into male/female types of writing. Which is a roundabout way of saying, like SynchroSwimmer I immediately thought the style of the email was male, quite dogmatic and controlling. If your friend had sent such a message - and I'd actually prefer a message to being ghosted - I think it would be somewhat kinder and maybe more apologetic. Who knows what is going on inside houses these days with lockdown being a perfect excuse for watching everything someone does? I too would be tempted to send her a text, or run into her somewhere you know that she will be when restrictions lift, and just say how sorry you were to get her email and thank her for being such a good friend for 20 years. If she didn't send it she'll probably give an explanation. If she did send it, that should make her feel sufficiently guilty!

20 years ago I moved cities to get married and in doing so lost my mobile phone.
10 years later, after divorce, I moved away and bumped into a friend from the 1st city who was very abrupt with me. I persisted and discovered that 'I' had texted everyone in my phone that I was having a 'new city, new start' and didn't want anything to do with them anymore. Needless to say this was a complete shock to me.

Keep an open mind. If it is coercion she may not be able to respond in any way that explains it - it may be unsafe.
If it's not coercion and it is her being adament then draw a line and move on.

My ex H made me do that on two occasions. His words, my name. I carried out his wishes as, if he didn’t want the friendships then they wouldn’t have continued in any case. We never spoke about them again, and the loss was mine much more than his. (Unbelievably, about 20 years later he actually tried to re-open correspondence with one couple! ). If my experience is anything to go by then, as others have said, it seems to me that her husband has been behind this. Don’t look for answers, as you will only torture yourself. I think you have to simply move on, try to forget, but maybe be prepared to lend her a shoulder to cry on if she needs it at some future point. Good luck.

Abusive husband!!

AcornFairy That does sound very hurtful. If you think coercive control is a possibility (maybe made worse by lockdown), I would try to find out, but very carefully to avoid her husband taking anger out on her because of you contacting her. I don’t think Sellotaping an envelope would be enough. Maybe a phone call when you know he will be out (after lockdown if necessary)?

How close friends were you? Does she live far away?

Other possibilities (as mentioned): mental health problems (made worse by lockdown), and/or there was something she wasn’t happy about before lockdown and it feels worse to her now. If it turns out to be one or both of those, you could try to leave the door open to further contact, in case she feels differently later. If you think you might want to be friends with her again, that is. Maybe a text saying something like, ‘Sorry to hear you feel that way. If you feel differently later, do get in touch.’

I agree with people who have suggested asking people who know her if she is all right (if you can).

If you find out it wasn’t coercive control, you could consider if there was anything you did she might not have liked, or signs of anything wrong between you. Or of her dropping other friends as some people have described.

If she was unhappy about something, it would have been more fair to talk to you about it before ending the friendship. Sending best wishes.

I think you should just move on. If you have any mutual friends then perhaps they can shed some light on it. I had a friend of about 5 years who did the same thing to me. It turned out that she had done the same thing many times before to other people.

As other have said, I doubt it is anything you have said or done. I also thought could she be in a controlling relationship or have mental health problems possibly dementia. Or could her husband have developed such problems and she is either embarrassed or he doesn’t like her contacting others.Do you have any mutual friends or acquaintances or her AC you could contact and ask for their take on it. If they are in contact with her and say she is Ok, then it may just be she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, upsetting though that is.

I am always worried when couples share Facebook profiles or e-mail addresses. Unless she tells you why she's ghosting you, you can't apologise for what you did, albeit inadvertently. So... don't ask again. You may find out, years from now, what happened... till then... don't give it a thought, and don't ask third parties.

I have found that most of my friendships tend to last around 15 years and then life moves in different directions or we 'grow' in different directions and have little in common. I do have a couple of friends who I see infrequently but each time we meet it is as if we have never been apart. I remember on at least two occasions gently warning friends that I am not interested in rows and dramas and will just quietly disappear if I sense the friendship has become unhealthy and damaging. I have done this three times in the past twenty years and I know it was the right thing to do.

This rang a bell with me. A friend who I normally see when
I visit England but have only birthday/Christmas contact
inbetween, rang me to say she was better and had survived.
Apparently she had rung me and spoken to my soon to be
ex husband to say she was having treatment for breast
cancer, he never passed the message on, how mean can you
get. I should add this was in the 90's and we didn't really
email each other in fact never now I think about it. She was
as shocked as me.