Friendship has run its course?

Acornfairy. When I first read this post I automatically thought the husband might be involved and as others have said he could be jealous of your friendship. Could you not contact her when you know the husband is not around? I would have to get to the bottom of this but thats just me. Hope it gets sorted out. X

It seems very cruel of your former friend to end your friendship like that without apparent reason. Do you have a mutual friend who could possibly have said something to her about you or something you said which she may have taken offence from? (Just a thought.) Otherwise, yes, it makes me wonder about her husband. I was going to suggest writing her a letter, one last time. But if her husband is controlling, she may not see it. Wait until after lockdown, then pay her a visit without warning, at a time when hubby isn't likely to be there, if possible.

Hmm, I have been that person, the OPs friend.

For forty years, I did all the heavy lifting in the friendship, made allowances, went the extra mile.

Then one day I just saw it for what it was and decided I’d had enough and said It’s run it’s course.

No she didn’t understand, tried a few times to get it back on course, by which she meant the kind of friendship that had suited her. I genuinely don’t think she knew how much she was she’d used me to suit herself. She really thought it was a good friendship.

Which, of course, it was -for her.

I would lhkne and ask her? Maybe there is more to this?

There’s been some good input here; from possible coercive control by the husband to having different views over Brexit and social behaviour during and after lockdown. I think the shared email address is probably a sign of the husband wishing to have control over and knowledge of his wife’s email correspondence.

Are you prepared for one last attempt? When meeting face to face becomes possible again, send a greetings card and suggest coffee or a drink “to catch up”. You might say that you value the friendship too much to jettison it for no apparent reason, and see if you get a response.

If you’ve known her for so long, you may have a mutual friend or know a third party who could comment on your friend’s health and state of mind.

I was ghosted by a friend a few years ago, but over the years I’d noticed references in her conversation about “not speaking” to other friends, and I thought how unfortunate she was to have such lousy friends. The the scales fell from my eyes and I realised that she was the lousy unreliable friend.

Just wanted to say even if she wanted to end the friendship.
What a spiteful way to go about it, absolutely nasty there is no other way to excuse this .
If its the husband my gosh what pure evil.

I am very sure that you have done nothing wrong.

You may be right that the husband is writing in his wife's name as you have felt for some time that he is a controlling type.

I honestly cannot think of any way you can check whether the decision and this rather abrupt e-mail was his or hers.

In your place, I would try to accept that this friendship has run its course. Your friend has chosen to end the friendship in a rather childish manner - could incipient dementia be at play here?

Whatever the reason, try to move on, accept her decision and ask yourself if you really would like her as a friend after this rude treatment?

Sorry you are left like this and all the feelings that it stirs, the unknowns.

Does she have neighbours, other mutual friends or children that could give you a very discreet insight just that everything is ok

Would she be on social media anywhere - that you can just see from a distance that she is ok?

The wording of the message also sounds off to me - more a male style of writing maybe?

Even I acknowledge that Covid and lockdown, being alone for almost a year is making me behave quite strangely (even with my very close friends). I can see I am being quite out of character, resenting any and all contact, seeing it as intrusion by phone, message and even face to face - could they both be experiencing something similar temporarily?

I wouldn’t make contact straight away, but is there a time coming up later where you could reach out? I guess you might not live close enough to do a spontaneous breezy “fancy going for coffee and cake” in a couple of months

That’s very sad and not really an acceptable way to end a long friendship. I suspect there is something deeper here. Can you contact other friends and family to see if she is keeping in touch with them. If it’s just you she has dropped then you have to just accept the situation but if she is cutting all connections then you have a right to worry and ask if a close family member can get to the bottom of the problem. She may need help and good friends like you to stand by her.

Many years ago, I had a good friend who, like me, was divorced and had 2 little boys. Our children were about the same ages, and all was well. Then I met a man who became my 2nd husband and she was a maid of honour at our wedding. I was soon pregnant and my friend visited me while I was in hospital. (I'd had a Caesarean and they kept us in for a week in those days).
Unfortunately I was asleep, so rather than disturb me, she left a card and a gift, which the nurses gave me when I woke up.
I responded by sending a thank you card, but never heard from her again.
I phoned her several times but she never answered. I left messages, I wrote letters - I was getting really anxious - and I called in at her house, but all to no avail. The ten years later I bumped into her at a charity event, and she acted as though nothing had happened.
I totally understand the AcornFairy's pain and distress, but unfortunately, I don't think there's anything to be done, regardless of whether her friend or the husband is at the root of all this.
Let go, grieve and move on would be my advice.

It happened to me in 1997. I had a very close friend, although she was American and lived in the USA. We had worked together over here and we had given her lots of hospitality, taken her to concerts etc. I had three times visited her in the States, each time with one of my three daughters. We had been friends for twenty years. Then, a year after I had last seen her, she sent the kind of letter the OP had by email. I wrote to her and faxed the letter too, to be on the safe side (this was pre e-mail days) but never heard from her again. At first I was desperately upset and weepy but after some months I started to get angry. I used to dream about her a lot. But it faded. I have my own children and grandchildren to think of and my own career to pursue but it remains one of the worst experiences of my life. I have never had a "best friend" since, preferring to spread my bets. She was 16 years older than me and died last year, predeceased by her husband and one of her two sons. (I look at the Facebook page of the other son sometimes, which is how I know. So it can never be resolved. But gradually, I remember a number of stories she had told me about perceived slights and cutting people off. I just never thought it would be me! Perhaps if we'd lived in the same country it would have happened sooner. I'm sorry for the OP but I think there is nothing to be gained it trying to find out why this happened. Let your mourning of the friendship run its natural course and move forward. I am sorry for your pain.

I would feel concerned for your friend and would delve further. I do not agree that it’s a simple matter of her terminating your friendship.

I'm with Blinko and Gingster

20 yrs is a long friendship. She doesn't want a call but perhaps a short text: "Sorry to get your email".

I am naturally cynical but the fact that you were first asked to reduce contact to email only, then dumped by email leads me to suspect its her husband sending these emails. Has he recently retired? Jealous of her time spent talking to you or going out with you? Maybe one last direct phonecall just asking for an explanation, quite a reasonable request in the circumstances, would clarify the situation and remove any doubts. Good luck.

I am concerned she may have a controlling husband and he may have sent the email. Now he's got her all to himself. I dont know what you can do about it though.

You said she and her husband share a email address. It is possible that there is something not right in their relationship. Have you thought whether there could be some domestic upset happening. It seems very weird for a 20 year+ friendship to end without explanation. Are you in contact with any other joint friends or relatives. Maybe you could contact one of them to voice your concern (don't mention possibility of domestic upset unless anyone else has similar concerns). It could well be that the husband is controlling the situation. Tread very carefully!

I have had to drop friends for various reasons and I think its quite nice that she wrote to you and didn't leave you hanging. You probably did something that hurt her personally, something she can't vocalise and something you aren't really aware of. She's mulled over it in lockdown and made the big decision - with the help of her husband no doubt.

Whatever it was it was going to sully your relationship and she was obviously building up resentment. It's time to move on.

While it could well be her husband, you have actually spoken to her in lockdown so really there's nothing much you can do. I would be inclined to let it lie.

Mental health issues maybe ? Having qualified in mental health. I’d reach out one more time...... and if the friendship is really over then let it die...
Everyone has dealt with the pandemic in all sorts of ways! Good luck

I have no advice to give except to say that alarm bells always ring for me when I hear that two people share an email address; unless its a business one that both have access to and they also have private individual ones. I don't see what you can do though unless you have any mutual contacts

Was it a very close friendship?

I think, perhaps.... the "stress" from this virus, well the lockups, more so, have caused a lot of ... problems,, my best friend and I email a lot,, but I have felt the strain, just emailing and not meeting... the written word is not the easiest, combined with all that is going on in our heads... I know my head/brain/mind
is not what it used to be..
interesting comment that the mail may not have come from her though.

hugs

I wondered too if it was her husband

It sounds very odd to me. Perhaps there is something else going on in her life that she can't or doesn't want to tell you about.

How old is your friend Acorn? Could she be starting with dementia? I am sorry you are hurt