Issues with Sons attitude and where do i go from here?

timetogo2016

nanna8 is spot on.
If you don`t get rid he will make you ill.
Sounds like a bully and a brat.

Another unkind post. The son is behaving badly but as another poster says returning to the parental home could well be making him revert to adolescent behaviour.
Unlike others I don’t believe this should be left the husband, you should all discuss it together but with the husband very much In his wife’s corner.
The man could be suffering from deprsssion and needs some kind of understanding, not “chucking out”.

Firstly what do you say when your son disrespects you, why are you allowing him to continue this, so what does his dad say when he hears this, or does he only do this when his dads not around! Me and my Dh have always been a united front, he doesn’t seem to have any respect for you, we would both be having several words with him,( together) you say he lost his job due to his behaviour sounds like he’s a brat needs to grow up, he needs to make a life of his own

To "chuck him out right now" is not reasonable as he cannot find different accommodation in ten seconds flat. It takes time.

I think you need to present him with a united front, talk to him firmly and set a proper time limit for him being allowed to stay with you.

If he really starts to try to look for employment and behave within your home, things could be different. Make your son see that actions have consequences.

I suspect he is depressed although that is not an excuse to behave badly but it might be the reason. Did you get on with your son before all this happened?

nanna8 is spot on.
If you don`t get rid he will make you ill.
Sounds like a bully and a brat.

Hello Shazboo,
Don't let your son make you feel guilty. He is an adult and responsible for making his own decisions and sorting out his own life not you. As Mothers we will always have some form of guilt where our Children are concerned, but he should have respect for you and not treat you like he has been doing. Your Husband is agreeing with you, he should be the one to tell your son enough is enough and he needs start making a life of his own. Good luck x

Your son can only grow up if he leaves home and runs his own life. You need to help him to do this. I believe as your aim is to exit him from your home to one of his own you should not ask for rent.

If he is not working he needs to be signed on and applying for jobs. As he is a mechanic perhaps he could work for a mobile mechanic on a zero hours contract to start with.

If he cannot get work as a mechanic he is going to have to look at other work that is available.

As someone has said he may be depressed. He may benefit from a GP appointment and will certainly benefit from a routine where he takes regular exercise outside.

At the same time you can help him find somewhere to live and if it needs a deposit you may consider doing that for him.

I hope you an your husband can help him get on his feet and exit your home. In years to come he will be thanking you.

Good luck.

nanna8

Chuck him OUT. Right now. You are not doing him any favours at all and he needs to grow up,fast.

That’s a nice Christian outlook, I believe you did say that you are a Cristian, didn’t you.

Quite possibly he resents the fact that he has to rely on his parents and can't support himself. And so he takes it out on you. I have seen this behaviour with young adults that I know.

Shazboo, I do not think you should ask your son to leave. The best thing would be for his father to give him a terrible row about how he is not to talk to his mother like that and must talk to his mother with respect at all times.

If for some reason his father cannot be stern enough it would be good if you yourself could insist the young man talks to you with proper respect due to 1. an older woman should be treated respectfully 2. any woman of any age to be treated respectfully 3. his mother to be treated respectfully 4. the owner of the house he lives in to be treated respectfully.

He needs someone to call him to order if only for his own sake.

Our 40 year old son recently got amicably divorced and lives with us. His ex and their four year old son live a mile away and the five of us maintain our “bubble” - our GS is often here with his dad who lost his job due to the pandemic while his ex works full time from home. Our son also has clinical depression which is a long-standing condition. My husband is critically ill and our son’s presence is helpful. He is trying to find full time work as well as advance himself in some way for the future. This said, I wanted to point out something my therapist told me when I expressed concern that our son, when in a depressive episode,
tends to sleep all day, be rather grumpy, etc. My therapist explained that when a person (particularly a male with a “family”’to ostensibly “support”) loses a job, returns home to parents, etc. it can make them revert to adolescence. Hence the surliness, sleeping all day, self-absorption, conflict about emotions, etc. I am not saying let things go on and others on this thread have offered excellent advice. I just wanted to share this perspective.

A good post saraheyn I agree

I totally understand where @Shazboo is coming from. I also have a “difficult” son aged 31 and all through his 20s people said to me “chuck him out”. He wasn’t doing any harm, never in trouble with the law, smoking his only vice - but was definitely not “launching”.
We did not chuck him out, we kept talking with him, and he turned a corner eventually.
What people do not realise: firstly as a parent @Shazboo KNOWS she’s partly responsible for his behaviour so that’s why she feels guilty; secondly that half the rough sleepers in London and Manchester are victims of the “chuck him out” brigade.

People treat you the way you let them.

Has anyone sat down calmly and told him that his attitude is not acceptable. When it comes to tears and arguments I doubt he listens but goes into defence mode.

The keyword here is respect, which he does not have. I do hope you can sort this out and have a happier future with him.

I am concerned with the number of posters who suggest that @Shazboo should leave dealing with their DS to her husband; this is reminiscent of "wait till your father gets home" and will only increase her DS's lack of respect. It would be better for Shazboo to tell her son that she will not accept this behaviour and for her husband to support her to do this, rather than take over; to "amplify" rather than take over. In this way she is sending DS a message that she will no longer put up with being treated badly. I would suggest going into this meeting having some ideas of what the basic "house rules" should be and from there negotiate. If this seems too difficult then perhaps a mediation service? They may not be available in person until after the Covid crisis is over but worth a try. If all else fails then I'm afraid telling him to leave may be the only way to elicit change.

Obviously, if you think he's suffering emotionally then encourage him to see a doctor/counselling service.

You don't say the cause of the breakdown of your son's marriage though by the way he treats you would hazard a guess at disrespect for his wife. He is unemployed so surely he will be in receipt of some benefits for living costs ie rent, food so you could charge him something towards his living with you. His attitude won't change unless he has to address it and that is by making him realise he can't go on the way he is. You, together with your DH should sit down and tell him he has to leave giving him a deadline. Very hard but surely you recognise no DS of his age and in his circumstances would treat anyone the way he does you.

I think perhaps start standing on his own two feet and getting his own place might be the things he needs. It's a very difficult situation as we all want to help our children as much as we can but sometimes tough love is the only option. He will thank you for it and perhaps make him appreciate just how much you have done for him so far.And yes, your husband does need to get on board with this.

Definitely agree you and your husband should always present a united front in this so that your son sees that decisions and ground rules are set by you both. He can’t blame you alone for these important rules and expected standards.
I also feel it’s important to try to rebuild your son’s sense of self worth. Ask him to give you a helping hand in the garden or is there any redecorating to be done in your house?
I believe as parents we bring our children up with the tools they will need as adults. It’s up to them how they use those tools and if they make mistakes with them we can guide our children back to using their tools in the way they were originally fashioned!
In a way it’s like having your son at home as a child again so go back to those days of giving and expecting respect but as a mum and dad team. We currently have our 20 year old grandchild living with us and it’s been a learning experience for us all. The mess apart from anything! We’ve had to gently but persistently remind her to respect our home and it’s working. The hard bit has been remembering she’s an adult living here now and not the little girl who would have “sleepovers”! All the best x

His dad says he needs to leave and i need to set a time limit,

So your husband makes you the baddy in this.

I think you and your husband need to have a conversation about what the two of you want to happen. And then you both have a conversation with your son.

Could you write down the expenses he incurs while he's been living rent free with you, food, heat, electricity, the usual, and sit with him and your husband and show him. Say you simply cannot afford to do it any longer. Good Luck

It is too easy to write what some one 'should' or 'shouldnt' feel.
If Shazboo says she feels guilty then lets respect that.
It is a bad situation, regardless of how it came to be, the thought of upsetting your child so much that the consequence is they may not want anything to do with you in the future is very hard. But....I would ask Shazboo to really think of how unhappy you are now, how sad you are at the way your son is behaving with you and suggest that whilst you may feel guilty you will also feel very relieved if he no longer lived with you.
The best advise I can see on this page is that which says all three of you need to sit down without emotion and perhaps you and your husband work through a preprepared list of unacceptable behaviour. You could place a condition that he can stay another month providing he meets the behaviour you are asking for, he he fails to meet it then he must leave within 3 days. So plan now for your alternative accommodation. If he meets the behaviour then perhaps you can give him a reasonable time frame to get a job and a home. I.e. you have two months with us to get a job, find a home providing your behavious stays good, if he doesnt you have 3 days to get out.
Stay strong,

I'm sorry but I'm about to write something you might not like.
You are an enabler , by that I mean by allowing your son to live rent free , job free , responsibility free , he has returned to a petulant teenager without respect to himself and both you and your husband.
He needs to learn he has to man up , get a job , preferably move out or at least have the responsibility of paying for his keep.

I would let your hubby deal with it and don't put more stress on yourself. He's a grown man and should be looking after himself, don't let him bully you, set that time limit and let him go. Wonder did he disrespect his ex wife like he does you. It sounds like he just needs to wise up and stop acting like a child.

It’s for your husband to tell your son that it is not acceptable for him to treat you in this way, and that he is old enough to take responsibility for his own life.
It would be difficult for him to move out during lockdown but he should be making plans now.

BlueBelle

lucca exactly it’s so easy to say ‘Chuck him out’ we know nothing we don’t know what has happened in his life so, so quick to condem or give an answer I could not chuck a child out however difficult I found them I would have to find another answer
keepingquiet with all the issues you have been writing about with your son and daughter in law and all the tears you are crying and yet you are not staying away from getting hurt time and time again I think your advice to shaz is quite disingenuous (a bit of do as I suggest not do as I do)
Try and step back Shaz and get together with your husband to make a plan without anger or tears

Bluebelle I don't want to get into a spat here but since my son was a teenager he hasn't lived with me. He has come back from time to time as I have said in a crisis I have offered him a bed but only on my terms.
Of course we get hurt. but my son has never fleeced off me and respects my boundaries.
My issues have had to do with DIL and her preventing me seeing my grandchild.
It is a completely different issue from allowing an adult to live in your home long term rent free and then disrespect you.

I think that you now need to leave it to your DH to deal with. If he has disrespected you since he is young, I doubt if anything that you say will change .
Maybe his dad was the one that disciplined him at the time and you were the one he then ran to you, knowing he could twist you round his little finger?
I would guess that he is suffering from depression but it really is up to him, with your support , to go and see his GP.