What would you do?

Hear hear!

I in no way tolerate unwanted attention from men, drunk or otherwise. However, I do think people get rather excited at the thought of creating huge family rifts on here sometimes. Her DH's brother is family. No, he is not entitled to be lewd whether drunk or not, but one incident 5 years ago does seem to be not much to base a huge split on. I don't know why the OP didn't tell her DH about it at the time, but maybe it is because she didn't want to make a big deal out of something that whilst unpleasant and inappropriate didn't seem to make her feel scared? Yes, repeat any unwanted comments loudly, or ask your DH if he agrees with them if it happens again. Perhaps BiL is clumsy rather than malevolent, deserves to be brought up to date on social mores, but he might not be the devil incarnate. A little tolerance rather than leaping straight for the jugular can help particularly where family is involved. In the workplace no such lenience should be shown, but people can change and mature, a one off is a bit rash to string him up by his nether regions I feel.

I don't know how you managed to ignore him. He obviously not only has a problem with drink but how he behaves when drinking. Have to wonder if that is how he met his current partner.
Sorry, but if your OH is not aware of how his brother behaves, he should be made aware before you are put in another difficult position. How he deals with it will be up to him.
Having been the recipient of quite a few drunken blokes in the past myself (why do some men think it's ok to propose to complete strangers when drunk as well as declare undying love??!!!) it isn't your fault how this lech behaved (even though he is quite possibly going to blame you).
You will never feel comfortable in this man's company, whatever happens so best to explain to OH now before you have to think up any excuse why you all can't meet up.

Does nobody read the press etc about what is going on at the moment regarding women and the lack of respect from men? Your BiL behaviour is all part of this and it is essential that women speak out and not pussyfoot around DHs etc. it is not only outrageous that he should try it on with his brother's wife but totally unacceptable from any point of view.

Women got the vote eventually 100 years ago and I really don't think that much progress has been made since then where equality is concerned. And the attitude of some men and the general culture that abounds needs to be addressed by all and women MUST speak out.

Rant not over.

I think you should give your brother-in-law a chance.

The incident you refer to took place five years ago when he was married to someone else, so it may not occur again.

If a similar comment is made when you meet him and his new partner, tell him that it is inappropriate and if your husband did not hear it, tell him when you get home what was said, adding that a similar remark was made five years ago.

At that time you chose to believe it was a one-off thing and didn't mention it to your husband, as you didn't want to cause trouble.

Your husband probably knows his brother drinks. If both he and his new partner drink to excess, discuss frankly with your husband when you have visited them once whether you both are comfortable with the amount of drink taken or not.

I am not excusing your BiL's behaviour in anyway, but as you have only met him once, perhaps give him a second chance, being aware this time of what he was like on your first meeting? Maybe he was anxious, in the middle of a disintegrating marriage( was his wife really sick?), and got drunk through anxiety. Maybe agree to meet in a neutral place, in the day time. As I said, I am not excusing him or blaming you, but perhaps one meeting in 5 years is not sufficient to gauge his true nature. When you do meet up, maybe casually mention to your DH that you "hope BiL won't be as unpleasant as he was when we last met", you certainly shouldn't enable BiL by ignoring his behaviour.

Or, he could just be a drunken pest and best avoided.

My teenage daughter was renting a small flat while the her girlfriend was away working. One evening to her shock a man entered the flat with a key and introduced himself as the owner’s fiancé. He then made advances on my daughter who made it clear she wasn’t interested and from her bedroom called me, an hour away, to help her. I set off and meanwhile the man had entered the room starkers and got into her bed.
She was petrified with fear but convinced him that someone was on the way to fetch her and would call the police if he didn’t let her go. I arrived to find her with her belongings outside the flats at 1 am.
She wrote to her friend to tell her what had happened and the friend flatly refused to believe her, accused her of being over imaginative or the one offering favours or just paranoid and the friendship was dead on the spot. It took my daughter a long time to get over the incident; the erstwhile friend and fiancé married some months later.
People often won’t accept the truth about loved ones.

Hellesbelles I think your advice is good, I would advise the same.

That's happened to me. My wife wasn't comfortable with my brother around, He thinks he's God's gift to women and I'm sure expects women to fall at his feet.
I was aware of him before my wife told me what she thought so I'm guessing your OH knows similar without saying anything. Be honest and tell him how you feel.

Your husband needs to be told. Too many women let such things go, which gives a signal to men that it’s fine to behave in such a way. It isn’t.

Hellsbelles

I think you should have told your husband at the time of the incident . However, now time has passed , so has the opportunity . If he reverts back to doing the same ,tell him he got away with it last time but you have every intention of telling your husband now.
When / and if you have to , tell your husband what happened the first time but you gave him the benefit of doubt back then but realise you should have not.

Yes, exactly this. Maybe now he has a new woman he won't behave like that with you again.

This is so strange.

To go on holiday with your BIL but never having met him

To go on holiday five years ago. But not ever see him again!

He was drunk and inappropriate one night five years ago. Odd you didn’t mention to your husband at the time.
If getting together again, make a commitment to yourself not to let inappropriate pass without you commenting on it

I think you should tell your husband the whole story as you have told it on here. tell him you let it go once but won't do so again.

Tell your husband now, and explain you don't want there to be any further opportunity for BIL to misbehave around you again. What sort of man hits on his brother's wife?! Secrecy and shame is how creeps operate! Make a resolution not to keep such things from your husband in future - it can only cause you stress and possibly put a strain on your relationship.

Where’s that rolling eyes emoji?

Can you tell your "other half" that you only want to meet up with his brother and new partner in the daytime for tea or outings as "he's lechy when he's drunk".

That seems straightforward and is also true.
If he's inappropriate when sober, that's another matter.

I think you should have told your husband at the time of the incident . However, now time has passed , so has the opportunity . If he reverts back to doing the same ,tell him he got away with it last time but you have every intention of telling your husband now.
When / and if you have to , tell your husband what happened the first time but you gave him the benefit of doubt back then but realise you should have not.

Tell your OH.
You will feel better and your OH will never leave you alone with him.

I wouldnt want to go on holiday with them again, make your own plans well in advance which will avoid any refusals. Stay close to your OH, if bad behavior continues you will have to tell him you don’t like brothers advances.

Was it just one evening of inappropriate behaviour?
For the sake of your partner, I would agree to an informal meeting, and you can judge how he behaves; as you live close now much easier to leave if he shows inappropriate behaviour.
Somehow, as he has a new partner, I don't think he will.

Why would you let it happen a second time?
Once is more than enough

vampirequeen

cornishpatsy

If he makes a lechy comment in the future I would repeat it loudly saying how inappropriate it is when others are around.

Just what I was going to say.

Thank you everyone, for your advice and comments. VQ and CP both seem to think the same way that I do as that's pretty much how I now plan to react if it happens again after giving it a great deal of thought.

cornishpatsy

If he makes a lechy comment in the future I would repeat it loudly saying how inappropriate it is when others are around.

Just what I was going to say.

If he makes a lechy comment in the future I would repeat it loudly saying how inappropriate it is when others are around.

Time to explain what happened and, more importantly, how this made you feel and that you do not wish to socialise with his brother in the future. State your boundaries quite clearly.

If he minimises his brother’s behaviour and will not support you then I would leave him.