Grandparenting at a distance

I’m also a long distance nanna. my oldest granddaughter I text her and call her. Her mum is remarried so I don’t see her unless she is with her daddy my son, I see her few times a year now. My son just had a baby in nov with his 2nd wife I’m hoping to get to meet her next month, normal I would have seen her before now but with covid obviously that’s why I’ve not. my youngest grandson who lives with my other son is 2 also his mum as a 10yr boy from her first marriage my step grandson also 200 miles in other direction. I video chat with him also so he knows who I am. He kisses me via the screen lol. I try see them as often has I can but I’m moving closer to my youngest son. Myself and my boys have discussed it. I send them a parcel once a month. So gives them something to look forward too. Yes the inlaws do see them more than me. Yes I do envy them but that’s life.But grandkids are all over me when I visit them. Even if other grandparents are there. But I’m sure that they feel same way. But grandkids love us all and we love them and that’s all that counts at end of day. Covid should have taught us that family is important along with time.

Ydoc your recipe for sorting this problem out is a recipe for estrangement. I cannot see why there should be any problem here or need to act or do things specially.

We live 4 hours from our grandchildren and DDiL's mother lives 10 minutes away. This has never caused us any problem and we do not do this 'quality ' time bit either. When we go north to see DS and family we spend family time with all of them. we are different people to their other grandma, different lives, different ages, different background. All three of us are united by our love for our grandchildren and grandparent in different ways.

When we see our DGC at the end of May, it will be the first time in 10 months. When I speak to DGD she can tell me exactly how many days it is until we meet again. Every contact, telephone, Zoom, email ends up with her saying how she is missing us and so wants to see us.

She does not love us less because it is 10 months since she last saw her, she doesn't love her other grandmother more because she goes round each week and stands in the front garden and waves to her.

The best thing OP can do is - nothing - and just play it by ear.

You need to lay your cards on the table with your son. I think they are being very uncaring. There seems so much of this sort of thing these days, i would not have deamt of treating my mil or mum like this. You have nothing to lise by speaking truthfulky. They are growing up fast dont delay

Molly R.. You sound quite desperate, the way your talking sounds as if you want to take over there lives . I believe you need more personal help to cope with what your going through, before making any rash decisions, or you could face pushing them further away.

Without a doubt it’s not the “quantity” of time you spend with your grandkids... it’s the “quality” time. Make sure whenever you do see them you focus on them, playing with them, games, adventures, all the simple things blowing bubbles, drawing, hide and seek... all the things kids love... and if allowed a wee treat from Gran, be it homemade baking or a wee bit of chocolate.

Can I put a slightly different perspective on this problem? My DH and I are truly blessed that we live literally round the corner from my DD, SiL and 2 DGC. We see them at least twice a week and a weekends. ( Dare I even say, sometimes too much!). We have been part of their childcare bubble during Covid. We adore our GC and know they love us too.Their other GPs live a couple of hours drive away. When DGD was a baby they came over once a fortnight , stayed over and helped with child care. Then SiL's dad wasn't too well. Looking after 2 GC was too much (he hadn't been very hands on and the GM did nearly all the actual child care). Then he needed an operation and the visits and child care all stopped. Covid meant they didn't see them at all for ages. They met up half way between the two homes pre lockdown 2 and again this weekend. The absolute anticipation, excitement , joy and delight the DGC felt at seeing their other grandparents was totally overwhelming. You see, seeing them was something absolutely super special, whereas we are just Granny and Grandad. They love being with us, but we aren't SPECIAL!!!! However far apart you may be, love isn't measured in miles and frequency, love is just what it says on the can. Love is just LOVE. !!

I just live around the corner from my son. His mil came out from overseas and moved in. She was anti social and we got excluded from our previous grandson. We didn't bond with him till he was two. Hes now three. The positive thing is if you aren't the caregiver you get to spoil them and just have fun. Our grandson is now asking to come to us even if he's not allowed to stay. It hurts sometimes but it is what it is.

I think it’s always natural when DiL is closer to her own family, I have a 2 GDs one from my son and one from my daughter. Dynamics are different. We’re very lucky as we have our sons daughter one day a week for childcare. My daughter lives an hour away but we see her once a month for weekend. I also have daily FaceTime with her and GD.

I did treat all to the FB portal for Christmas which is a brilliant way to keep in touch and you can read interactive stories to the GC on it too.

You will be good grandparents because you’re clearly wanting to be!

When I had a small family, we lived well away from both sets of in-laws. I never expected nor asked for elp from either pair. The only time when my in-laws looked after the boys for a weekend, she wouldn't use any of the food I left for them and managed to ruin my new non-stick frying pan by scrubbing it with a Brillo Pad. My sons' families, likewise, don't live close enough to ask for help from me or other GPs. They managed when the GC were little, sent them to nursery and my Dils arranged reduced working hours with the good will of their employers.

It's interesting that so many GPs expect to be a regular/frequent part of their GCs lives. I never really expected that. We brought our sons up to be independent and build their own lives and families, and so long as they're happy, we're happy, whether we see them or not. Six of our nine GC live over 100 miles from us, the other 3 are just a few miles away. We don't see any of them very often. It doesn't worry us, they visit when they can, they know we love them and it hasn't affected how close we are.

My son and DIL had their first baby last May. They live in Australia. DIL’s parents live just down the road from them, and visit, or baby-sit almost every day.
Obviously my trip over there for the birth was cancelled, and it will be some time before I can visit. They have all been wonderful in keeping me in touch with my new GS, though he’s not so new any more! They send lots of photos and videos, and FaceTime a couple of times a week. He is beginning to recognise me, and I get lots of smiles.
I know that I will never have the hands-on relationship that his other grandparents have, but am just glad that he has one set on hand to help out with him.
My other Aussie GD, who is 4, has us in U.K. and her other GPs in Peru, so is deprived of much physical contact with both sets.
It’s tough when you don’t get to visit very often, but you can still build up a good relationship if you make the effort.

I had this situation with my sister in the last year she’s had two new great grandchildren. Obviously she couldn’t see either of them. Which upset her she was only seeing one daughter who lived locally her eldest daughter lives further away, her son lives in Ireland she was very down and I said to her you will see them soon. She has since seen one, of them so they cheered her up. My dd lives around the corner but my gd has flown the coop but comes to see me so I am quite happy with that. My son I will never see again he died in 2007, needless to say I mentioned this to my sister. She is lucky to see all of them eventually.

We live near our son and family and see them frequently but briefly. The other set of grandparents live 3 hours away, don’t see the family as often but stay several days and have quality time with them. I often envy them and they say they envy us. I don’t know which I’d really prefer but have no choice in the matter anyway.

Thanks to all those who have wished me well. I'm sorry to hear some of you are in the same (or much much worse) boat. As yo say - it will all work out in the end.

Try not to make an issue of this as things will gradually right themslves, and settle. Both sets of grandparent's live 2- 3 hrs away from son/daughter-in-law so once in a while we stay for weekends etc. As the children have got older we give their parents a break and stay with the children. So accept the changes, keep calm, and enjoy your time with them when asked.

There always seems to be a bit of jealousy concerning grandparents of the two families. Distance should be no problem as we have WhatsApp, FaceTime and Facebook. Keeping regular contact with the grandchildren is the most important thing. Show your love and interest in them and you will be rewarded.

I live 200 miles from my grandchildren.l used to see them every 8 weeks precovid.We spend quality time with them, we moved to live by the sea when the yougest was 2, so holiday times are great.We facetime in covid times as they got older and maintain a loving relationship.Dont think it is a competition as this will cause no end of problems.See him when u can and savour every moment he will love you regardless.

I am in the same position
My grown up Grandchildren live in San Diego and the 2 younger ones, 11 and 7 live in Oz and they live just down the road from s in laws parents
I have been a global Gparent for 21 years and it doesn't get easier, but you have no choice
It isn't just a car/train ride
yes not

We’ve been in this position since my son and DiL bought a house just round the corner from my DiL’s parents. We’re a plane journey away! When the children were babies, it did bother me that I wasn’t having a close relationship with them, but now they’re older they’re always excited to talk to us on FaceTime, and are desperate to see us as lockdown has prevented our usual visits. Our son has been very proactive about making sure they know who we are! We usually join them on holiday for a week in the summer, and during the homeschooling phase I sent them a few art/craft presents which they were really happy to receive! My son’s in-laws are lovely people, and treat my son as if he’s their son, so I’m really glad they have that support around the corner.

Imo the important thing is that grandparents have complementary 'skills', so that time with one pair is not the same as time with the others.
Eg one gran takes them places, the other sits and reads and plays. Or one is always popping in, but when the other comes, it's a special occasion.

When I was a child I had one grandmother close to home and one grandmother a 12 hour journey away (before motorways).
I saw my local grandmother twice weekly and spent time with my other grandmother in the school holidays.
I loved them both equally and enjoyed my time with them. I have so many wonderful memories of them both.
Your grandchildren will enjoy time with you no matter how near or far you are.

MollyR I tried to pm you, but couldn't, so here goes:

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

I am in the same situation with my sister's children - they have never wanted to see DH and me, either before or after they had children.

For years I tried inviting them and they always thanked me nicely, but when it came to fixing something up the excuses were many and varied.

Eventually, I realised that we would only be included at weddings, christenings and confirmations - in other words the occasions where expensive presents are given and received.

So - I gave up and have started making "thin" and blatantly transparent excuses if they do suddenly invite us.

DH and I have found young families who don't have grandparents and are glad of our input as " extra" grandparents. I suggest you do the same.

I know it hurts; it hurt me, even although we are talking of my nieces and nephew and it must be worse when it is your own son and his children.

However, it is unlikely to change now and you are hurting yourself by worrying about it. If you like, continue to send a small greeting at Christmas and on the children's birthdays, if that is what you have been doing.

Some day, the grandchildren - either your son's children or those of your daughter may get in touch. Adopted children have far better chances of tracing their birth mother and her family once they are 18 now, than they did formerly. I hope this happens for you, but please, don't bank on it.

Me too! Mine live in Dubai and I hadn't seem them for a year. I was lucky to see them at Christmas, but now they are on the red list.

My grandchildren are more than 5000 miles away, I haven't seen them for 16 months because of COVID, but I have managed to keep in touch, maintain and develop the relationship vis What's App, Facetime etc as I have no other alternative until we can fly again. 2 hours away - you could pop there and back in a weekend day. How I would love to be able to do this.

We were the opposite way round. Although it was, like you, my DIL and son, we live in the same town, and her parents three hours away, so we did all the childcare.
It was lovely, and I enjoyed it, but sometimes I felt like the ‘nanny’, while her parents saw them for whole holidays etc. There was no other way of doing it.
It’s made absolutely no difference at all, to how we all relate to the grandchildren. Her mum ( lightheartedly), used to say she missed the day to day contact...but I felt every holiday my son had was spent with them. Swings and roundabouts! We all made the best of what we had, and are all fine with grandchildren.
My point is, don’t worry or pre empt anything, just go with flow and take each day at a time.
Congratulations by the way, and enjoy?