Dad had another family...

Wow. So many interesting stories. Let’s see how mine turns out. I’m expecting she just wants to know about dad - which is fair enough. Anything else we’ll have to see.

I'm glad for you Polarbear2 that there's movement and you may get some answers.

Like others, I found out 6 years ago (while going through a MacDonalds drive through answering a call from one of my sisters) that I have a brother .. half brother. Mum as a 17year old in rural Ireland in 1943, father unknown. The baby was "given over" to the Christian Brothers and farmed out to families as cheap labour, according to him.

Mum died 10 years previously so no answers from her. I do know she'd be horrified that her daughters knew - Aunts, Uncles, cousins all know, one cousin tracked him down without us knowing a thing, and met with him a few times. My elder sister couldn't wait to meet him, and has kept in touch but "the brother"'s wife is furious/jealous, and has soured things there. My younger sister and I have met him once, nice guy but very sorry for himself. His daughter though, my oldest niece now, is just lovely! Met her a few times and adore her.

My sisters don't know if our Dad knew (they met about 5-6 years after), but I'm sure he did, from things that were said at odd times.

"The brother" said if he'd know Mum was dying he'd have walked the ends of the earth to be with her. I didn't want to say that she'd have been truly, utterly mortified with shame.

Polarbear2 you seem to have everything under control and in cahoots with your mum you’ve taken action, so we’ll done you.

I recently found out (through DNA) that my mum’s dad actually wasn’t - and most surprisingly that it had been a source of rumour since my mum was at school! I have now found links to her likely biological father (long deceased), but will do lots more research before I consider making contact. Many of his descendants are active on Ancestry, so it’s possible that they (like me) would find the news more intriguing than upsetting.

Look for the positives. Your Dad had two families but, from what you say, he maintained them both. Unless you know or find out differently, he didn't walk out on either of them. You think your mother knew but apparently she accepted the situation. Bigamy is a crime, so he didn't marry the second woman. Find your half sibling if you can. Your previous belief that your dad was a good man may well be borne out by them. Having only one husband or wife is an imposed convention... Controversial?

nanna8

If they had a child you have a half brother or sister somewhere. Personally I would want to meet them and try to find them. It is not their fault and they might be pleased to find a close family member - and so might you after the dust settles !

I totally agree. It is not their fault.

That sounds very difficult for you ?
Whilst I understand your mum not wanting to discuss it with you now I see no reason for you not to ask your Aunt and Uncle.
If that feels too painful could you try a genealogy site? You may find your sibling has been looking for you there!
Counselling sounds like a great idea in the meantime. Be kind to yourself first and foremost ???

Thanks. I’m not holding my breath ?. We’ll see.

If you have the money-not sure how much it costs, maybe £99??-I would do an Ancestry DNA test. Many people have done them and it may help you find your unknown sibling/family before upsetting the family you do know. Last year we ‘acquired’ a new relative through this, from a family member who had disappeared. We’re delighted to know them-you may have the same luck!

If your dad wanted you to know he would have told you,
It is what it is now,... your dad cared and looked after you and your mum, don't dig about causing hurt,...
remember the dad you loved, some never even had a dad
Let it go now, we all make mistakes and some are big ones
Be happy and help your mum to be happy
I wish my mum was still here
Hugs xx

Well. This has picked up again so a mini update. I’m fine now. I bounce well these days . Had a word with myself. Resilience I think ?? Anyhow - the plot thickens. It seems a woman has been trying to get in touch with mum. Potentially this alleged half sister. I’ve written to a family contact from long ago. It’s a long story I won’t go into here but bottom line is - letter posted. Awaiting outcome. Mum is fully on board and actually asked me to do this. Feels like a soap opera! We’re not a dramatic family so this is all very strange to us.

Give yourself time to come to terms with this discovery before you involve your aunt and uncle.

Counselling might help - it would do no harm to try it.

I would be tempted to ask this "friend" who apparently knows a lot about what your parents chose to keep from you, where she got her knowledge from and whether she is sure it is correct.

She may be able to tell you whether there were any children from this relationship of your father's, or the name of their mother, which would make tracing them, if they exist, easier.

As your mother knew about her husband's mistress, I imagine that his brother and sister may well have known too.
If you do decide to ask them, try to do so tactfully, by saying you have heard a rumour and you wonder if it could possibly be true.

Your father you say was a good and loving father, didn't neglect you in any way. Your mother accepted it. Why dwell on a past that is not part of your life. OK you have half siblings, let them do the hunting down if it is to be. You can stir up a whole lot of emotions if you start digging. Yes, a shock, but it's way way in the past. If your father had not been a good father I could understand your hurt. My father had an affair and she had a son, I met him once when he came looking for me. I was polite, gave him a cup of tea, we had nothing in common. And I've had no contact since. Can't change the past.

I think this is more common than people imagine.
We were out for a meal with DH's cousin and he told us that his father had another family, I am not sure when he acquired the knowledge but he did tell us he had no desire to meet them.
The man was horrible, abusive and controlling.

Gosh - a very warm hug from me. I too have 'had my past involuntarily re-written'. Until you feel steadier, don't do anything with consequences. Just getting through the day being civil, keeping your health and routine will be enough. When you are on an even keel - then is the time to think about how you want to go forward with this.

I think this is much more common than you would imagine.
My son-in-law first found out he had a brother his age at his father’s funeral. Also another family I know had a big shock after 30 years. It’s not the fault of the off-spring.

My Dad kept us secret from his second family and when it came out, it caused by half siblings great pain that they had been lied to all their lives. It unsettled my late brother a great deal whilst my sister took it in her stride.
I agree with those who suggest you get counselling. You are absolutely within your rights to feel betrayed, cuckolded or any way you wish to word it but it is the way you handle it that is important for your wellbeing. You need help to process this and to assist you to make the decisions of what to do with that information.
Finding out that both your parents lied to you is a huge thing. Please do not let anybody else tell you differently. They may not have meant to inflict damage but they did and you are allowed to grieve.

Thus half brother or sister might well be looking for you. I suggest you get onto the DNA register. This might be the way to find this half sibling...either directly or by being matched with one of their children.
Because of DNA my ex has just be discovered by a woman of 50 who is his daughter....my children's half sister...born before I met him. He had no idea about her.

Polarbear2

I’d thought I should wait til mum dies before saying or doing anything? She can’t have too much time left. Thought it’d be kinder???

No please don’t wait until your mum has gone. It’s different (I’m speaking as an adopted person in contact with my birth family - and that’s a whole new post!) but once you lose someone there’s a huge amount of information goes with them that you can never recover. It’s tough I know but you do need as much information as you can get.

Perhaps instead of thinking all that you hope to derive from a half sibling you shouldn't consider how you making contact would affect the other person. After all these years since your father's death you may well cause a lot of distress. Perhaps do some geneoligy researching to confirm one way or another if there is a half sibling, that may be enough.

I’m so sorry. Something very similar happened to a friend a few years ago. Devastating to deal with and it only came out after his mum’s death. Turns out she knew and looking back it had obviously made her very unhappy. His father has revealed himself as completely uninterested in anyone’s feelings but his own. A bitter revelation to come to terms with. The relationship with the father has been maintained but it’s more superficial now than he’ll ever acknowledge.
This is understandably a major shock and I’d advise taking your time to process this further by yourself before sharing the information. Talking this through with a trusted level headed but emotionally intelligent friend if you don’t fancy therapy may be all you need but take your time. You’re in shock now and that’s not surprising.

Please ask questions whilst everyone is still living. Once they’ve died it’s too late and you may have a life of wondering. It’s like a jigsaw with too many pieces missing. Please be brave and ask. Your mother already knows and your family members could fill in the missing pieces.
Be brave - he stood by your family but needed more. Lots like him.
Please can you post the outcome. Good wishes x

It seems it was an arrangement both your mum and dad were in agreement on. I don't think it's anyone else's business how they chose to conduct their marriage. I can understand your feelings however it's not your secret to tell.

I have a similar story , dad died 31 years ago , when mum died 5 years ago the truth came out - dad had a previous marriage and a daughter which we only found out about after mums funeral , although a shock we got in touch and have never looked back , we have a lovely relationship and so pleased to have found each other . There is no one to ask for info so I would talk to your aunt and uncle while you can ?

You had a picture of the hero, your dad and have now found that he wasn't as shining bright as you thought he was. That must be very hard to understand and accept.
I think that there are possibly many more families with a similar thing that is known but never spoken about. I found out at an aunt's funeral, that she was actually my uncle's second wife, not his one and only! His first wife was never mentioned.
Your mum, bless her, accepted the situation , which is not uncommon with people of her generation. I think that you gently need to explain to mum that you need to know what happened - she must have known that this would happen some time- reassure her that whatever she says will not make you love her less than you do now.
Bless her, she has probably been badly hurt in the past and talking about it may give her a chance to heal.
I wouldn't talk to anyone else in the family until you speak to her first.

Some good advise already given. Having had some upsetting and surprising results back last week from doing my DNA test on My Heritage which has left me saddened and confused I would certainly suggest you speak to your aunt and uncle about it, I have no living relatives left and once they pass the information passes with them. Then the only way to get answers is lengthy tracing of family trees. I wouldn’t wait as you’ll be in the situation I’m in and it’s upsetting and frustrating.