Dad had another family...

Are you making this about you?

If it’s of help in future, when my brother had a DNA test as part of tracing family history, he was given details of other close DNA matches, people that we don’t know.

Just mentioning it here, not for now, but if and when the time is right for you later on, it might help.

There are many things in the past which have happened in families which it is best to leave there.

You will never know what the true story is.

I have a box in my head where the past lives the things that hurt and upset me that I couldn't do anything about.

Occasional the lid opens and I am heartbroken and upset but there is nothing I can change and I know that, so there the past remains and I close the lid and carry on with my life.

Don't talk to mum about this if you see she is upset that would be cruel and certainly don't speak to other members of the family.

Yes, definitely no knee jerk reactions. Wait a while, you may feel more able to deal with it in say, six months. We had a similar thing in our family, although not on your level. When my granny died forty years ago, my mum discovered another marriage certificate. She’d been married before meeting and marrying my grandad presumably. My mum had no idea, and neither did anyone else.

I don't think is even worth going through the NHS if you can pay. In fact my GP said to me I had 'too much going there' to gain anything from the NHS support available, which is helpful isn't it?

Can I just add something, please don't contact a half sibling without support first. There have been a lot of posters on here who think it is positive to have a family member you don't know about but that is very naïve and you really need to first ascertain what YOU want and then accept there are other peoples feelings involved too.

Namsnanny

Elderlyperson your expected to refer yourself now. The gp may give you the number but you phone for yourself. Well in my area that how it works.
I've been waiting for 9/10 months for my first appointment, after going through several telephone consultations.
It's the best they can offer but it's an awful system!

Your right Namsnanny it is an awful system. The first contact you will have is a telephone conversation.
They will ask you ( not long into the call ) if your suicidal. If you answer, no, you could wait forever for an appointment to see someone in person.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Association_for_Counselling_and_Psychotherapy

Although counselling and psychotherapy are not statutorily regulated professions,[11] BACP works alongside other associations to advise and appeal to government[12] in attempts to ensure members of the public who access the counselling professions are safeguarded

I wrote clinical psychologist, not psychiatrist.

Well, clinical psychologists deal with that. They are not psychiatrists.

By whoever is a counsellor I was wondering about how one finds one. Are they qualified or can anyone prepared to accept money to listen call themself a counsellor?

Elderlyperson there are many organisations that are charitable that use counsellors some are free, some you make a donation to and some are low priced
Going through a doctor to see a clinical psychiatrist will have a long long waiting list usually a year or more and this lady doesn’t need a psychologist she is not mentally ill she has had a shock that’s disrupted her thinking and to talk it over...even with a close friend would give her benefits
I m not sure what you mean by whoever is a counsellor

Elderlyperson your expected to refer yourself now. The gp may give you the number but you phone for yourself. Well in my area that how it works.
I've been waiting for 9/10 months for my first appointment, after going through several telephone consultations.
It's the best they can offer but it's an awful system!

Polarbear2

I’d thought I should wait til mum dies before saying or doing anything? She can’t have too much time left. Thought it’d be kinder???

I would be inclined to think this way too.

Do get counselling asap. Not just because of the hurt you are feeling, but it may take the sting out of the situation for you to be able to judge more clearly the next move.

Well I’ve had counselling before. I went to someone recommended via work. She was great. I’d find her number and call for an appt. I think it was somewhere round £40 per hour?? Same as a haircut or new dress/shoes. Right now I don’t feel I need it. Maybe due to her giving me the tools to manage my feelings??? I fully appreciate not everyone can afford it and then yes via GP.

People keep mentioning counselling.

How would someone who wants that get to see a counsellor, whoever is a counsellor? Expensive?

I am not a clinician, but one way could be to make an appointment with your doctor - or maybe another doctor in the same practice if it is a group practice - and ask to be referred to a clinical psychologist. This would be on the NHS so nothing to pay (other than in your taxes of course!).

A clinical psychologist is a trained professional, a clinical psychologist is not a psychiatrist.

That must have come as a huge shock, Polarbear and, as your father died 40 years ago, you may have lovely memories of him that have taken a radical shift.
It was not this friend's place to tell you.

As your mother knew, she probably thought it best to turn a blind eye and keep the family together and it must have been so difficult for her, but at least he didn't abandon you and you still will have memories of a lovely father.

If they lied, they did so to protect you. Perhaps you now need to rationalise all this and come to terms with it, as your mother did so stoically, before you decide whether you want to find your half-sibling.

Best wishes

Take care Polarbear2. Time to look after yourself.

After talking to my DD and ex husband (only one alive who knew dad other than his family) I’ve come to the conclusion- for now - to let sleeping dogs lie. I can’t see any likelihood of a positive outcome if I pursue it. What it has done is give me control so if someone comes at me after mum has gone I can say yes I know. Maybe in time things will change but for now I’m settled. Feel tons better and am very grateful for the responses. Thank you.

Stop and give this some thought before talking to others or looking for family members Polarbear you could be stirring up a hornets nest for other people.
You feel angry and upset but don't let this affect other innocent people. As lavenderzen said some things are best left as they are.

My mum is very very old. I too have a half maternal sister, born before my parents' marriage. I'd like to find her but will wait until I can't cause issues for Mum who likes to "forget" about the agony of giving up her toddler for adoption during late WW2.
The only thing is, what can of worms might I open? I'd love to find a sister as I don't have one & would love to have my search turn out well but supposing it doesn't? I'm in two minds & not getting any younger, nor is she.

How very hard for you.
Hard for your mother also she must have been heartbroken but she kept the hurt inside to protect you, she did this because she loved you.
Be very, very careful what you decide to do next. Sometimes these things are best left where they are.
If you can talk to a counsellor it may help.

Have you considered doing something like 23&me or one of the other DNA databases that will link you to your relatives.

I discovered a younger half sister when I was in my mid sixties. Our father had died when we girls were 2 and 4 and I suspect my mother knew but never said anything. My father’s brothers certainly knew but our wasn’t the sort of family to talk about such things.

I established contact with my half sister and we have met several times, but although we are quite alike we have no shared history and this makes a close relationship difficult. I am OK about this though had my father not become ill and died I suspect he would have left my mother and me and that would have been much more difficult to deal with.

Give yourself time to think about it before you decide what to do. I am so nosey that I couldn’t have just left the information to lie but you may feel differently. It certainly changes the way you view your father but it doesn’t change you. Good luck.

I would feel betrayed and want to find my siblings. Don’t waste your life picking at what your parents kept from you, I think it was wrong but you can’t alter what’s gone, but you can the future and how you choose to respond. He did what he wanted and your mom went along with it, I think she should give you closure even if it makes her uncomfortable, it was her choice. I feel for you.?

I have experience of this, our dear goddaughter who is only 31 discovered her father had 2 children and a partner, she felt so betrayed, everyone knew but her.

Her father is now dead, we knew but gave him an ultimatum that he had to tell his wife and daughter or we would have no more to do with him.
It nearly cost us our relationship with a very dear goddaughter.

He left a trail of sadness and destruction.

Our goddaughter has counselling which helps, she has a relationship with her siblings but there is great geographical distance.

Please seek some support.

bluebelle she’s 99

I don’t think you need to feel betrayed. The thing to remember is that he was a good and loving dad, he may have been tempted to leave for the other woman, but he didn’t.
As for your sibling, I’m not sure I would want to stir up the past.