Different pace in retirement

CafeAuLait

If I remember correctly, on your last thread you weren't prepared to help your wife with travel costs because you felt she hadn't saved for retirement as well as you think she should have.

If that is so and this is still going on, maybe you need to decide if you are willing to change and support her so she can stop having to work. Maybe then she'd be able and willing to accompany you? If not, then she is tied to keeping working which will stop her from having as much ability to travel. If these obstacles are removed and she still doesn't want to travel and it's not resolvable, you'll have to consider other options like travel alone or with another companion. This can only be worked out after a good heart to heart with your wife.

I can't understand in any way why you wouldn't help your wife with travel costs surely you are a partnership in every way including money matters.When my late darling man was working and I was working all our salaries went into the same pot and used for holidays/breaks as and when we wanted either together or separately with other friends.

Be careful what you wish for. Dating is an absolute nightmare at ant age, so if you and your partner get on well stick with her. Enjoy your own pursuits then enjoy coming home to your lady otherwise you may live to regret it.
I personally do not like travelling either, and you should respect the fact that we all have different things we enjoy.

All I will say is that 64 is young BUT the years fly by. We had planned to do so much but are now not well enough. We wonder why we didn’t just get on with it when we could. How about finding a like minded male friend to travel with? Not the same I know, but why not?

Just think of the Queen and Prince Philip - they didn't get through all the years of marriage they had by living in one another's pockets. If your partner is happy for you to do your own thing that seems okay to me. I don't think couples do walk in lockstep for the whole of a relationship but if I was you I would check if she thinks you're growing apart. It's just as possible she feels you're out of step with what she wants.

However, it could just be that she is happy for you to go away and bring back new and interesting stories and views, just as you presumably did when you were working. Once she has retired things may change again.

How would you feel if you read your post in reverse and your partner was wanting to be out and about all the time and you wanted to 'potter" at home or appear to? What would you think if she said she wanted to go on a ten-week residential gardening course?
She sounds very accommodating to me, how many partners would approve. You've got jam on the scone and want cream as well.
You really need to think hard about this and then have a good talk together. Is travelling just an excuse for restless feet in other areas of your relationship.
Why do you ask on a mainly womans forum? Are you looking to see what other women would tolerate? Or are you hoping your partner will see your post, does she know you have done it.
Maybe you need to talk to some men and see how they and their partners mediate each other's needs.

Why not travel on your own? My Grandfather went to Africa after he retired even though he wasn’t in the best of health. He had a cracking time. My Grandmother didn’t want to travel as she was a real home bird. They both did as they wanted.

My husband has been away since before lockdown looking after his brother and has now returned home. I visit my family in NZ annually. He doesn’t want to do the long haul flights.

We enjoy doing our own thing as well as holidaying together. Why make such a big deal of it? Life isn’t a rehearsal!

I understand what you mean. We are both retired but i am looking for a job. My husband is very happy content is his word doing absolutely and i mean absolutely nothing. The whole day goes witj him having just watched tv, week in week out. Whereas i am a busy person and need to be active and achieve something. Otherwise i feel i would be hanging around waiting to pop off. I often find myself wondering how much longer i can stand it. Watching him rot is making me rot, not that i sit with him tv watching but i know hes doing it. I have to go everywhere aline in fact if someone asked me if im married i will say in name only.

Ydoc

I understand what you mean. We are both retired but i am looking for a job. My husband is very happy content is his word doing absolutely and i mean absolutely nothing. The whole day goes witj him having just watched tv, week in week out. Whereas i am a busy person and need to be active and achieve something. Otherwise i feel i would be hanging around waiting to pop off. I often find myself wondering how much longer i can stand it. Watching him rot is making me rot, not that i sit with him tv watching but i know hes doing it. I have to go everywhere aline in fact if someone asked me if im married i will say in name only.

My DH is of a very similar mettle to your's Ydoc. For him lockdown has been situation normal - he was born for it. As long as he has got his glass of red wine in one hand, and vaper in the other while faffing about on the lap top on the sofa, he's a happy bunny.

As for the effect this has on me......well, most of the time I'm ok with it really. He's a happy and quite happy for me to do whatever I want and whenever I want including a 6 month trip abroad, when Covid permits, with my bessie mate from uni days ( who is also married, and her DH is happy with this too).

Despite our great differences aka levels of activity, the marriage works. We rub along well together, make one another laugh, and respect one another.

Why do so many of you assume the OP is married and is in some way not living up to his vows? He clearly says "partner" in his post. We don't know how long they have been together or if they have raised a family together; all we know is that they like to do different things. I agree they need to talk to each other about it rather than Gransnet.

Didn’t I see a post on GN recently from a woman whose husband/ partner wanted to go on lots of holidays and always chose the destination/ expensive options, while she had less money and didn’t get to choose where to go?

All the OP’s travelling sounds very expensive. Maybe his partner’s reluctance to share his enthusiasm stems from her reluctance to fritter away hard-earned money she can’t really afford going to destinations that don’t appeal to her.

My DH retired 6 years ago and we immediately booked to go on a world cruise which we both loved and we enjoyed every minute of the 4 months we were away.

We have a holiday home where we spend a lot of time. I have many hobbies and he has always played golf and tennis, so we spend a lot of time apart. This time last year he had a TIA and he really hasn’t been the same. Not bothered to play golf and tennis, watches far too much Tv, really has no motivation for anything and his energy levels are very low. We won’t be going away again I don’t think and he wouldn’t be happy about me going without him. We are both 71. Not how I imagined our retirement to be.
My advice is to break off your relationship and make every day count and go adventure. You will regret it if you don’t.

Life is too short to be miserable, leading a sedentary lifestyle there is plenty of time for that. If she doesn't like activity and making the most of each day then find a person/people who do. Try sorting everything out and if she is in denial that there is anything wrong with life from where she is standing then leave and go on a brand new adventure.

Good post yammy

I haven’t read every post but I may be old fashioned but the word ‘love’ hasn’t been mentioned!! Do you love her and see yourself together for the rest of your lives, do you have children together?

I think you’re using the travelling as an excuse and permission to split up, if you’re not happy speak to her and work out if you actually want to stay together or not.

Agree with above : don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Thank you TrendyNannie6,I was beginning to think I was the only one who saw the situation as I did.
I would hate it if my partner was asking other women on a forum mainly used by women, rather than talking with me, or even his men friends. I viewed it as if ammunition was being stored.

You sound as though you're asking permission to kick her out.
If you do, and if she goes quietly, will you then look for a new 'partner'? Will she be expected to go to work and support herself financially whilst running your home and being to all intents and purposes your wife, and still find the energy and enthusiasm to take holidays of your choice with you?
I know that sounds harsh, but what are you trying to get across? What is your real question?

Will she be expected to finance herself?

Good luck.

I found OP's attitude to helping his partner, and to her apparent lack of work ethic due to their financial differences, off putting in the last thread.

If I was in a relationship with OP, no way would I be quitting work to go travel and no way would I be spending my nest egg on travel because of his desires. The relationship isn't stable and they are not equal partners financially. I'd be doing quite the opposite to what he wants - making sure my financial ducks were in a row and tight so that I can look after myself in the future, possibly alone. It would be terrible to spend all my money on travel then, when it runs out, be alone and without any money behind me. Especially at this time of life.

What if she travels and spends all her money and can't afford to keep travelling? Will OP then be unhappy because she needs to stay home while he wants to travel? Will he then seek greener pastures when he bank account is empty?

I think OP's partner is making the wise choice financially by keeping herself secure for her future.

All of this just pottering about doing very little rubs me up the wrong way.
I'd start by asking, who does the cooking, the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the gardening, paying the bills etc?

If the answer to 2 or more of those is the wife, she's not the one doing "very little".

I would really love to hear the poor wife's point of view.

We know from the past thread that one of her potterings was trying to start her own business/self employment. Maybe she was trying to ensure an income stream? Maybe she's more willing to travel when she feels more financially secure?

Don't think that it will be a doddle to find someone new.

Most of my now-single friends are happy to have friendships with men but are quite astute & can spot faults & foibles a mile off.

Added to that, is the thought of taking on another caring role when we've sometimes not got over the last.
Nurture what you've got. As we get older the more baggage we all have.
Guess that's why we're called Old Bags. - pardon - couldn't resist it ?

Yes Oldmom me too! I didn't like the way the OP said his partner was working VERY part time also - looked like a barbed comment to me.

I didn't like the way he put things the first time he asked the same thing a little while ago and wonder why he thinks its necessary to ask the questions again now.

Looks to me like he is looking for a way out of the relationship. The fact he refers to his partner as not making very much money is not very admirable.

DH went out for half a day yesterday to see his mate, I stayed at home and ‘pottered about’ I cleaned the bathroom, stripped the beds and put the washing on, hand washed his T shirts, did an hours ironing, made lunch, prepped dinner and weeded a patch of garden, I also looked after DD who is still with us after her op and walked the dog.
That was fine, I didn’t want to go with him.
That’s maybe what your OH has to do when she potters about ( after working) whilst you are ‘out and about’?

She is still working and giving mental energy to work and that makes all the difference. Plus the Covid isolation can take a while to recover from, I felt that. We travelled constantly until that and we are in our 70 s but now we only want to go local, the thought of going overseas does not appeal one little bit. Germ factories as fas as we are concerned!

Where are you Rubicon?