Should we cut off contact?

Jillybird, I was just about to say the same thing.
Actions speak louder than words.
This couple were kind and helpful when they needn’t have been. I wouldn’t cut them off in the light of their kindness.

Maybe the husband’s remark was not intended to be insulting. Without knowing what was said, I am reluctant to pass judgement. I know my parents used to say things which were not insulting or deliberately racist, but used language which would not be acceptable today. Times have changed and we know to be more careful.
If anything is said again, you will be ready for it and can speak out,

Racist remarks are unacceptable what ever the context. BUT some people are just plain stupid, uneducated, rude and ignorant

Tolerance works both ways and while you can be tolerant of this man's ignorant remarks, if it happens again a short sharp reprimand may be all that's needed, otherwise steer clear.

I am finding is increasingly difficult to 'tolerate' bigots of any kind and reckon that life is hard enough without having toxic people around

If you like his wife then be friends by all means, I have many a good friend whose husbands I don't get on with, but if this man can't mend his manners then he doesn't deserve to be part of the group

As with all the decisions we make we have to be prepared to suffer the consequences of our chosen words, actions and beliefs

There is no need for that kind of behaviour, stear clear of them is my advice.

Racism is vile but you can't affect change without communication. I would be inclined to maintain contact, tackle any issues and hope that friendship would reframe their thinking. If that didn't work, I'd cut contact.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pleas don't make a judgement so easily about the wife not correcting her husband. You know nothing of the nature of their relationship or if indeed whether, once indoors, she gave him a complete b.....king about his behavour. She may not have wanted the victim of his remarks to have been even more embarrassed.

As you get on well with the woman I would tell her that your husband is upset by some of the racist remarks her husband has made. If she's reasonable she will have a word with her husband and if it means the friendship goes sour that's a pity but you have to put your husband first,

I think Nanna&Grampy.. Have the best advice here, I too would be afraid to pull my husband up in front of others, but I would definitely have my say in private.

So neither you nor the wife were present or witnessed these comments which could mean that the wife knows nothing of it at all. Which makes a lot of these comments neither viable nor factual, it’s all guess work and judgemental on the wife. If you and your husband are not comfortable with them as close friends move on and just be courteous neighbours.

Quotes from a previous posts, only just read.
Factfinder said she had not heard the remarks made by the male neighbour, but was told by her husband to cease contact with him and his wife.
easybee:"You have to use your own judgement here, but I would want evidence of racism first hand before I agreed to 'unfriend' a neighbour who was not involved and had been very kind to me."
hithere: "That would mean OP does not believe her husband and does not support him unless she hears it with her own ears - implying he is a liar."

It does not imply he is a liar; it simply does not accord with her own judgement of the wife.Far better for to get to know them and form her own judgement, as to whether they are racist. Would you unfriend someone because your husband ordered you to?
Sounds like coercive control to me.

I had a friend that I liked a lot. She knew my mixed race family, but eventually turned out to be fairly racist. And has become more so, since the advent of BLM. I tried friendly discussions with her, because I found it hard to believe that at heart she was a bad person. But there was no room for manoeuvre with her. And sadly and reluctantly, I cut her off. I still miss her.

It's tricky. You can be on quite friendly terms with someone and then go right off them when they start making racist remarks. If it's someone who has been kind and helpful to you, it's particularly difficult. Be polite but keep your distance would be my advice, or eventually you will get angry and there will be a row.

It isn't always easy to answer back. One of our neighbours, although ostensibly friendly, has made the odd racist remark although she knows (obviously) that my husband is Indian. I have just frozen with embarrassment at the time, and later come up with a crushing reply which I should have said at the time but didn't.

Without knowing the actual comment, I can't say if it was racist or not. Was it an old fashioned term? Not necessarily meant to be racist? When I was younger it was correct to say coloured and not black. Half cast rather than mixed race. My mother in law said mongol rather than downs syndrome. I volunteered at an ESN school, then education sub normal. I hate most of the old terms and glad they have changed but maybe the husband just needs to be made aware of the new terms. In my view he would not have helped if was actually racist. Racist behaviour is the opposite of helpful.

I dropped a long standing friend because of her vile racism (amongst other things) . We had been friends for more than 10 years at that point.
If his wife wasn't present when her husband used racist remarks then unless you tell her she will be very confused as to why you have stopped speaking?
I would side with my partner every time, especially over something so nasty.

I experienced a similar situation with a couple who we considered as close friends. The first comment was made and I brushed it off as the person concerned had been drinking but on the second occasion I decided enough was enough and we haven’t seen them since. The comments were directed to our grandson who is mixed race. With hindsight I should have tackled it at the time and then they would both know quite clearly why we no longer wish to be in their company, but for whatever reason I didn’t tackle him. My regret.

I suggest reading '8 Everyday Ways to Confront Racism'. I have found it helpful

The thing about people making racist remarks that maddens me is the assumption that you feel the same way, that you're somehow in the same club as them. As far as neighbours go, it's always been my policy to get on with them, however odd they are because it's so uncomfortable to not get along with people you see every day, but this might be a bridge too far. I'd have to make it quite clear that I don't agree with what's said and don't like to hear it.

I’d remain civil but keep the friendship level cool. They were kind to you when you needed it whatever they think about your husband’s race.
If the wife asks why you seem less than friendly, you could explain that you found the racist remarks unacceptable.
As the remark was about him, what is your husband prepared to do about it?

RACISM I suggest reading "8 everyday ways to confront racism" nnedv.org/latest_update/8-everyday-ways-to-fight-racism". I have found it helpful.

Difficult without knowing all the facts.

But I guess I would see it as an opportunity to continue being friends and educated them by just being friendly and welcoming that race does not matter when it come to making friends or being friends.
At a later date you could bring up that remark and tell them it upset you to lead to a discussion around it.

I would hate people to think that just because we are married I agree with or condone everything my husband thinks or says He's a Tory I'd rather die than vote Tory ! I wouldn't in general pull him up in public though

You have various options. Stay on good terms but cool the relationship. Or, your husband could have a word with the husband. (My late father-in-law, a very kind and sweet man, was born in Asia but often would say things that we regarded as politically incorrect but he really didn't know what he was saying was wrong. We would tell him 'You just can't say that any more dad'. Finally, perhaps have a quiet word with the wife - saying that your husband was a little hurt by something her husband said.

Maybe if it happens again you could point it out what upset you. He could be one of those that speaks then thinks, for all you know she could have said something to him back indoors. And they feel uncomfortable mentioning it in front of you. we are not responsible for other ppl. So you tarring her with the same brush when she is innocent which I think is unfair. Just don’t understand why your husband didn’t speak up and leaving it all to you ?‍♀️

I am wondering if the intent was there, or if it was sheet ignorance. which does not in any way excuse it, but they not even realise how offensive their comments are, could it be a generational thing ??

I would tackle it head-on in a very friendly manner for example asking them what they meant and following it up with a do you know how upsetting comments like this are ??

I’d keep a civil distance and being kind and helping doesn’t excuse racism

Difficult situation. Maybe the man is the way my Father was - likes many individuals of all races but is very ignorant over making racial comments. If he liked someone he didn’t mean they were included in his negative comments. Not acceptable but do have a word about it to the wife. My Mother, in all ignorance, upset her next door neighbour who never spoke to her again. It was a shame as she was a lovely woman but felt hurt on behalf of a relative. Tact was never my Mother’s middle name, nor my Father’s. I cringe thinking about it now.