Should we cut off contact?

I dont understand, if this man was being 'deliberately' racist, then surely he would not want to help someone of that race either? He was 'kind enough' to help, but then gave out racist comments? The 2 dont seem to gel together.could it be your hubby took an off the cuff remark to heart that wasnt meant to be against him? (I would imagine its hard not to if people hear things like that often, but it may have been unintentional.Try give them another chance but if it came up again definitely say something? Or at least be on civil terms and if you & the mans wife weren't there this is like that game kids used to play where they whisper something and pass it on, and it gets to be something totally different at the end? At least be ok with his wife if you like her, on hello terms and a chat over the fence or some such.You never know when you may need their help again- and if he was willing to help that day, he can't be all bad??

If that's how he treated you, i wonder how he treats his wife. Perhaps the fear of what happens behind closed doors kept her quiet. Maybe being polite as a courtesy to her, and shows you are indeed the better person. I would never condone racism from anyone.

just be nice to them and help if needed . but avoid tyhe husband , if any of them ask why .tell them...

I have a long time friend who has gradually developed some views and ideas I don't agree with and it makes me very aggravated. She wasn't always like this and I think she gets influenced by idiots on twitter. But I would find it very hard to cut off all contact or end our friendship, particularly as her health is poor. So I bite my lip and we just avoid certain topics now.

I think it would have been good if you or your husband could have let this couple know you didn’t appreciate the racist comment. Going forward, be prepared if you are in contact with them to say something. Sometimes people don’t think before they speak, you can call them out.

Smileless2012

Why didn't you and/or your H say something as soon as the first racist remark was made? Far better to 'strike while the iron's hot'.

I think it unfair for anyone to say this man's wife should have corrected him at the time, when neither you nor your H did. I don't know how well you know them but depending on the nature of their relationship, correcting her H in public simply may not be something she's willing or able to do.

As it was her H that made the racist remarks, I see nothing wrong with the two of you maintaining contact without either of your H's being involved.

Many people, including my own parents, were, and some continue to be, unaware that what they were saying is/was racist... We all need to educate ourselves about racism so that we can challenge it effectively when it occurs. It is not always easy to do and I don't always feel strong enough, myself, to do it, but as long as we let it go unchallenged it will continue. My son still finds reason to challenge me occasionally about something I've said... for example a generalisation, and I am grateful that he feels able to do that.

I think there may be many reasons why the wife didn't pull up her husband when he made the remarks. For all you know she might have really torn into him once they were home but didn't want to cause unpleasantness in front of you especially when it seemed as if you hadn't taken offence as you didn't say anything. I would talk to your DH and agree to at least give the wife the benefit of the doubt but I would also explain to her how offended you were at the remarks made.

I'd speak to the wife and find out what her stance is. There may be reasons she felt unable or unwilling to contradict her husband in public. But I'd also make it clear how offensive the husband's comments were.

People use language that was learned as they grow up. Politically correct language and social change happens over time. Since this is grans net I am assuming that your husband grew up in the 50/60s when this type of dialect was commonplace. Without either an education or work place that challenges racism people are unlikely to change their speech. The fact that this couple helped both you and your husband suggests what the husband speaks in words may not be coherent to his actions. See if you can educate the friends husband by challeging the words he uses. If he continues following this then your intervention to educate him is fruitless. You can then move on.

I would tell them both together that they caused offence, and that racist comments are not only hurtful, they are illegal. If that doesn't bring you an apology, then be civil but dont fraternise with them.

Speak to her. Tell her you value their friendship but your husband was very hurt by the comments her husband made.

3dognight

Stand by your husband, I agree that the wife should have corrected him immediately.

Did they make racist comments while helping you? I hope that man realises his mistake, I think going forward polite but at arms length.

Your advice is a little inconsistent. On the one hand, you think Factfinder should stand by her husband (with which I agree), yet on the other, you expect this neighbour to have publicly contradicted her own husband. For all you know, she might have remonstrated with him later, in private. I would be cordial, but not too friendly, until it happened again, in which case I would challenge them both, before cutting off further contact

Why the question? Directed at your husband or not, racism is vile. Wouldn't think twice about cutting them off, and telling them why.

I would confront the issue
Obviously they are kind, caring people as they have shown you
Rather than cut them off have a discussion around the issue
You never know if you may need them in the future

They’re your neighbours so cutting off contact isn’t a good idea especially when they were there for you when you needed help.
No one is perfect or in a perfect marriage for that matter and now you know it’s racism is an issue - brilliant. Just find ways to challenge what’s said if the neighbour repeats the offence - prepare to challenge him. It may turn into an opportunity to help him think more deeply about his attitude.
As for correcting your spouse in public and blaming the wife for not speaking up? Wow. I’m astonished anyone would expect this when we know domestic violence is a very real issue in relationships. Completely unreasonable expectation when you have no idea of the dynamics of that marriage - it might be unsafe for that wife to say anything at all. Or they may have an agreement that corrections will be made privately. Which I had to remind my husband we have when he corrected me on a pronunciation last time we were in a social setting.
Extend them a bit of grace and be good neighbours.

Whilst there is no excusing this man’s behaviour I wonder what has framed his attitude. Is there an opportunity to reframe his beliefs. It is quite possible the wife took him to task when they were alone. Kudos to them for being there during lockdown.
I have two friends....not connected to each other....who will sometimes come out with racist comments but have hearts of gold. It shocks me when they come out with their comments and I will do what I am able to counter their thoughts. I grew up with various racist comments because of my parents albeit I am English born and pink in colour....well actually I do tan quickly in sunshine.
Please, just continue to show this man that you and your husband are better than his beliefs and work towards, hopefully, changing them. Good luck.

I agree with Eloethan

me, being me, would want to know what the remark was? I am not condoning in anyway, a racist remark, if meant badly, sometimes I think we are indoctrinated and don`t always realise that a remark can be taken badly, or whatever.. be it racist or what... we can be an ignorant lot as to another persons feelings and of course can easily be misconstrued..
so do you feel like saying what the remark was?

if not, well I would say, that either you or your husband could have queried the remark at the time.... isn`t that the way we should deal with this? well I hope I would,,, as I think.. sometimes well it is the ignorance of the person making the remark... and it needs pointing out to them... if not at the time, take it up with them, explain how it hurts?

Why would you want to have contact with a racial bigot?
Ok so he was helpful at a point when it was needed and if you said anything about his offensive comments to either of them, he'd probably claim he was only joking and she would say that he was always saying things like that!
You can be polite without having to be best mates and if they start asking you round for coffee etc there is no problem in saying that you are very thankful of their help , but you have found that some comments he has made are offensive to yourself and your husband, so you would rather leave it at that and walk away.

my dad was always racist but when a dark skinned person moved across the road he made great friends with him and came to see skin colour as just skin colour. I would say to them you really appreciate their help, you like them very much, but you can't hear their views on race, and I'd tell them it hurts, which I'm sure it does. At least that way you've given them a chance to think about it and they'll know why you don't speak to them rather than just ignoring them.

To some extent I think it depends on the comment. People make all sorts of daft comments that they perhaps don't realise could be hurtful or offensive.

The best way is to question the remark when it occurs - in a matter-of-fact rather than a confrontational way - but I know that can feel very uncomfortable. It is equally uncomfortable, though, to feel that you have not addressed unpleasant remarks that have hurt you.

I can understand your husband not wanting to be particularly friendly with these people and tend to agree that, unless you feel able to challenge such remarks if they occur again, it is probably better to remain neighbourly and polite but not cultivate a close friendship.

Ideally, your husband could have addressed the issue as it occurred but I can understand why he did not do so. Firstly, there is the shock and disappointment at hearing people who appear friendly and nice making unpleasant comments. Then there is the ever-present risk of being labelled "touchy", "over-sensitive", "bolshie", etc - the sorts of things that people say when they have no idea what it is like to feel that you are not truly accepted in the c0untry that you see as your home.

I usually give people 2 strikes . If it happens again maybe you should say something without causing further animosity but make sure they understand your feelings . Then maybe limit contact ?

Drop them!

Your first concern is your husband and the racist comment was apparently aimed at him.

The wife has apparently neither apologised nor said anything in your hearing to her husband about his remark.

If she asks why you have cooled towards her be honest, and tell her that you value the help they gave when you were having difficulties, but you neither will, nor can, put up with racist remarks.

I agree with keeping it simple- say hello, quick wave. You don’t need friction between you & neighbours. You don’t have to do more than this if husband is not comfortable with them or their views. We have some neighbours we mix with socially and some we don’t- normal I’d say. I’m sure you were grateful when they helped you. You’d probably help them if it was an emergency too but you don’t have to be friends

Tread carefully. As they are neighbours you will very likely be bumping into them in the street, at the gate etc. I wouldn't want to be anxious about leaving my house in case I saw the neighbours. Just continue to say 'morning' comment on the weather and then carry on with your business. keep it simple and keep it stress free. Life is stressful as it is without having stress with the neighbours.

I don’t understand why your husband didn’t say anything at the time of this happening!

Well I know what you mean but if someone is facing a racist remark about themselves/family/heritage then maybe it is much harder to challenge immediately because of shock/deep hurt or whatever. If his response is to cut off contact from them which is an understandable personal choice and may well stem from his past experiences of similar circumstances, then it is fort the OP to decide how she manages that for her own circumstances.

Not an easy one Factfinder