Gift of Friendship

I don’t buy gifts for friends I create them I make fruited gins and put in fancy little bottles. I make little fairy gardens and fill nice empty bottles with flowers and led lights. I make lots of jams and pickles from what I have grown. My few friends are not crafty or cooks so it’s a treat for them my treasured friends for near on forty years.

Perhaps you friend was in some kind of financial difficulty but didn't wan't to play the 'poor me' so decided to test the water on how offended you would be.

As I get older I find I want "things" less and I don't need anything in particular so I would be happy to stop buying presents for friends. However, if we do buy for each other it is usually wine or chocolates which are a nice treat and don't clutter up my home. I think she just wants to stop the presents but I don't think this indicates the end of your friendship.

I find friendships change in little ways throughout the years but it doesn't mean your relationship is at risk. C19 has changed a couple of my friends in different ways that I don't take personally. I'm sorry if you feel hurt, but it may not be a big deal. You can have a chat if it is bothering you rather than think the worst, it may be not important at all.

I have 4 friends in a group and we don’t all live in the same country. In March 2020 I handed the last Xmas gift of 2019 to one. So Xmas last year I said I think it’s crazy we’re all trying to do Xmas gifts so if you don’t mind I’m going to bow out. To which they all said great it’s such a pain to send yo other countries. Also you’re friend might not to able to afford it and is trying a nice way of getting out of the 20 year habit.

If she’s mentioned it to you twice I’d say she just can’t be arsed with the whole shop, wrap, buy procedure, a lot of us feel the same. I’ve got 5 very good friends and we’ve been friends for over 40 years now. Many years ago we always bought each other presents and gradually (thank God) it dwindled away. I cannot remember how but I do know I was relieved when it happened as it’s enough buying for family without friends as well. Now we just buy for each other a small thoughtful gift on our ‘0’ birthdays, I can cope with that every 10 years. Maybe that’s how your friend is feeling especially with all that’s happened over the past 18 months and shops closed etc. The other thing I do with my best friend is on or whenever we see each other around our birthdays just the once a year, we treat each other to lunch or dinner somewhere nice or a cream tea, which is lovely. Maybe you could do that instead but don’t lose a good friendship for the sake of a pressie, just casually mention ‘maybe we ought to forget the pressie lark now how do you feel?’ She’s possibly embarrassed and hoping you will say something to her.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

You ard reading too much into to it l think. You reach a point when you are older where you cannot be bothered,we are all financial able to buy what we want and when we need it.She more than likely still values your friendship but does not want the hessle of gift buying.

Wow! Some comments are mean. Good luck to you, whatever happens, AiryFlyingFairy.

I have several close and longstanding friends:we have never thought of buying each other presents, but just love spending time with each other when we can. I think you are overthinking it. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you.
I wasn't brought up to buy presents for everyone, and it doesn't really cross my mind apart from my grandsons and own children.

My closest friend of over 40 years and I have never really exchanged birthday or xmas gifts.

Occasionally if I come across something ad hoc that I know she would really like or appreciate, I will get it for her.

The last thing I bought her was some toilet roll when it was all going a bit crazy with this last year. She was absoutely made up with it.

She still wants to be friends but is thinking ahead and making life easier,just send her nice cards with a meaningful message.

I do not give my friends gifts. Some remember to send a card for my birthday which I find quite embarrassing as I only send cards to my immediate family members.

For the last few Christmases I've seen Martin Lewis saying that people should consider not buying gifts for friends and family, partly because half the time one party might not be able to afford a gift but feels compelled to do so because someone bought them one. There's also the thing about not knowing what to buy and many gifts ending up being shoved in the back of a cupboard or being sent to the charity shop.

I saw my best friend at the weekend (we're bubbled) and it's her birthday next week so I took her card and gift with me. We've been great friends for 15yrs+ and we both struggle with finding something for each other at Christmas and on birthdays.

We do both like nice candles but it feels a bit boring buying the same thing year in year out, we've bought journals, cookery books, dog inspired gifts (we've both got spaniels), calendars, diaries, etc. I mentioned this weekend that it's getting difficult to find nice gifts and dropped a subtle hint that I never use calendars or paper diaries although I know she does and that maybe we could just do a nice card and (as we already do) gifts for the dogs or arrange to go out for a nice meal somewhere but she said it's nice to get a little something (we both live alone and have very little in the way of family), so I'll be continuing to pull my hair out whilst searching for something nice for her for Christmas and I'm sure she'll be doing the same.

Airyflyingfairy... I feel your sadness , people who I thought were my friends have disappeared on me too , leaving me feeling a bit like a fool for believing I meant more to them than I actually did . It's upsetting . But in the same situation as you , when the same has been said to me , I've replied to with " why ? do you not want to bother anymore or something ?" Then they come it with something like " well I just thought it was a bit pointless ..blah blah blah " so I've just replied with " fine I won't bother anymore then" . Maybe you could take a similar stance. It does hurt , but they're also not the person you thought they were, which says more about them than you . (That's if money isn't a problem for them) if it is lack of money , rethink the situation. But as you've stated , it's not the case . Cut your losses and save yourself further upset . You've got other friends.

Why not just talk to her about this? It sounds as if she feels gift giving is perhaps superfluous, and maybe she has found it a struggle to either afford a present, or think of one, or both. I don't see this as a reflection upon her friendship with you. We have stopped gift giving with several couples as we have all struggled to find something original, so we go for a meal soon after Christmas to brighten the winter months. (Some catching up to do this year, of course!)

I don't habitually buy gifts for friends. I'm close to a near neighbour and being handy at the sewing machine I tend to make her something for her birthday. We don't bother at Christmas though, just send extra special greeting cards. I also have a few friends who have all pulled together over the past year and we occasionally treat each other to flowers or a scented candle; nothing extravagant but just a token gift.
I give for the pleasure of giving and never expect anything in return.
Last year one friend had a beautiful bouquet delivered to me by a florist, I had supported her over a very difficult period but I don't seek reward, to know I've helped put people in a better place is enough for me. I did cry when I saw the bouquet though, it was beautiful.

AiryFlyingFairy

I do think I've been overthinking! Being stuck at home so much since C19 doesn't help.
Realise I've been seeing the presents as a confirmation of continuing friendship and I shouldn't need that, especially after 25 years!
I've spoken to friend today. All fine and going to meet for coffee soon so I will let her know I'm fine with no presents..... so long as we stay friends! ?
Thank you for your words of wisdom Gransnetters.

Meeting for coffee and, hopefully, cake, sounds great and I am sure your friend will appreciate seeing you after all this time.. Personally I might still bother to give her a card but meeting up is the best present you can give!

You have my empathy AFF, it’s a rejection isn’t it, the older we get, for me the worse it gets? I have a very fractious relationship with my daughter, so my friends are a huge part of my support network. But when you detect something isn’t quite right, it’s hurtful and confusing ?

Stop the presents, her heart is not in it. At a certain age it’s difficult buying present for even your own family, it’s not about the money, does she still want to meet up or treat you differently? Sometimes friendships just dwindle away, others stand the test of time, it has to be a two way thing.

Friendship is more important than a gift surely. Be grownup about it.

We stopped buying presents for adults years ago, when my MIL complained about something we’d given her!! She did us a favour really, because I could never really see the point. Half the time, we just knew they weren’t wanted, and the other time, we never knew what to get. To be clear...I don’t like receiving presents either.

I think your friend realises this is something she doesn’t want to do anymore, but is worried she’ll hurt your feelings. Just being great friends would always be good enough for me.

It sounds to me as if you friend is having financial difficulties and is trying to save money without offending.

I've had to do exactly the same, but instead of asking, I have said 'just so you know, I have decided not to buy any more gifts for anyone other than close family'. It was taken very well, and so none of now have the problem of 'whatever can I buy'.

I find it really hard to know what to buy people. I actually get very anxious and worried about whether they will like it or not. I would feel such great relief if someone said that to me and I would still be friends.

Whatever makes you think she want to end your friendship....she just doesn’t want to buy pointless gifts that you could happily buy for yourself! Continue with cards and with your friendship, but are the gifts really that important to you, especially as it’s never going to be a surprise if you just duplicate your favourite tipped every time? X