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(21 Posts)
Shanavine Fri 04-Jun-21 20:58:21

Try telling him you have needs as well.
Try and get a compromise that both parties are happy with.
Both talk, tell each other what you want
Don't be left letting him satisfied and you frustrated .

Puzzled Thu 03-Jun-21 17:56:29

It sounds very much as if neither of you enjoy it much.

If you can both find some enjoyment, you may both begin to look forward to love making.
As Daisend1 says, use your imaginations.
Ask what would DH like? Tell him what you would fancy.
Try to find times and places that seem to be "naughty".
Both of you tell your fantasies, and then set about putting them into action.

Look at books, such as "Joy of Sex" together, to see if learning about the pleasures, give you any ideas.

You can be spontaneous, as an idea crosses your mind or plan, and prepare in detail,
Hopefully, as you both start to enjoy, you will both be more interested.
find n

Daisend1 Mon 31-May-21 11:22:54

Many lack imagination when it comes to intimacy and its not uncommon for those like your husband to put the blame on their partner when its they themselves that ' haven't what it takes' .
Sex doesn't have to be bedroom only. Have you ever thought of taking the initiative ? Surprise H when least expected?
Making sure you are not expecting visitors grin

Luckygirl Mon 31-May-21 10:45:54

My heart sinks for the OP. To feel "under siege" to have sex and to "perform" is totally grim.

Do you have a way out.

I think all the lube in the world will not save this situation after 42 years of it.

Puzzled Mon 31-May-21 10:34:11

Find out what he enjoys, or what are his fantasies, to see if you can help him, and possibly yourself.
See what you can do to excite each other
Foreplay and lubrication are essential
Hope that you can come to a mutually satisfactory conclusion.
Life isn't over yet.
Fun doesn't end at 70, by any means

Esspee Sat 29-May-21 13:20:22

I hope you have left him or at least are preparing to leave. He sounds awful.

Peasblossom Sat 29-May-21 12:31:49

In her fifties a friend told her husband that she “didn’t want to bother “ any more and he replied “That’s alright, you were never any good at it anyway”

I said what a horrid thing to say and she said “No he’s right.”

Then she met her lover and found out that she was actually very good at indeed.

Would you take that step?

DanniRae Sat 29-May-21 11:13:48

Get yourself a sexy book or film and 'have that joy' on your own. Or Bridgerton's a good start blush

Puzzled Sat 29-May-21 10:44:30

It is a pity that your sex life causes problems.
Frequency may decrease, and the ultimate pleasure may now be memories.
The objective, particularly "at our time of life" ought to be to give each other pleasure. And to enjoy having given pleasure, as much as to receive it.
In my view, that is a loving relationship.
It should not be a performance, but an opportunity for both, from the start, to do the things that bring each other pleasure.

sodapop Sun 23-May-21 09:10:54

Sorry your husband has made you feel like this KarenR I would think anyone would find it difficult to maintain a fulfilled sex life under that sort of pressure.
I would think things would be very different for you with a kinder more caring partner. I would hazard a guess that the problem lies more with him than you.

Katie59 Sun 23-May-21 08:59:50

Karen I was thinking you hadn’t been together long, 42 yrs that is well beyond the call of duty, there is nothing worse than being pressured to turn you off. How does he show his dissatisfaction, does he say so, or just roll over and go to sleep instead of cuddling you.

Sparkling Sun 23-May-21 08:00:44

Karen, it would seem he's the problem not you, at best he is totally insensitive. Is this what you want, not the sex part, but the disregard for your feelings. Lots of people through circumstances are with partners that they no longer have that physical side and you stay together because you have that loving bond and care for each other, that's what you're missing.

Savvy Sun 23-May-21 01:41:04

I'm asexual so I've never had 'that' joy. I've never been able to see the attraction of intercourse.

Suffice to say, I'm single.

crazyH Sun 23-May-21 00:44:43

You are not alone KarenR..... suffice to say I am now divorced and I dare not get into another relationship although I have had one or two offers ...

KarenR Sun 23-May-21 00:37:11


Are you still together? You talk as if this part of your life no longer happens. How old are you both? Have you had other partners?

We’ve been together for 42 years. I just feel so much sadness because I haven’t pleased him but also I’ve come to understand that I haven’t had ‘that’ joy. I wondered if I was alone or if others has experienced what I missed?

Emily49 Sat 22-May-21 21:34:30

Are you still together? You talk as if this part of your life no longer happens. How old are you both? Have you had other partners?

Callistemon Sat 22-May-21 21:18:35

Your husband doesn't sound as if he's up to the task, sadly.

BlueBelle Sat 22-May-21 21:06:45

I remember as a very young new wife an older couple invited us round, she showed me round the house and said when we reached the bedroom and here’s the torture chamber
Don’t fancy going into my various love life experiences on here though 😂

Peasblossom Sat 22-May-21 20:45:36

Oh dear. It’s not meant to be a performance 🙁

Do you feel it’s too late now?

Katie59 Sat 22-May-21 20:41:45

Sounds like you married the wrong man K, it’s supposed to be mutually enjoyable, there are good and bad men of all ages.

KarenR Sat 22-May-21 19:08:02

How has it been for you?
It’s been a disaster really for me. My husband put lots of pressure on me to perform and was always dissatisfied with me. It caused a huge problem in our relationship.
I’ve become aware that other people have different experiences with sex. Is it just younger men who are focused on their women? I feel so much sadness that this joy wasn’t mine.