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Waring sons

(25 Posts)
Sweetpea60 Wed 26-May-21 16:54:48

I have 3 grown up sons one lives away from home with partner and children, my eldest 41 and youngest 36 are still living with us. My problem is the younger one does not like his older brother and since leaving uni he has almost shut himself away from the rest of us, it sometimes feels that he just doesn't like his family at all. My husband has on going medical conditions, heart failure, fluid in lungs to name but a few he also has very bad mobility problems. My youngest son doesn't seem to care at all, offers no help in eldest is the opposite helping out with many things. Although both have had issues with their father in the past it seems to have stayed with my youngest and if something upsets him he doesn't say anything but will slam eldest son has no problem with his brother and just tryst to keep the peace it just feels like were walking on eggshells all the time. My eldest son is very much like his father and I think that's why my youngest son doesn't like him, just wanted to know if any other gransnetters have had a problem like this. With my husbands I'll health we certainly can do without this. The option for either of them to move out is not do able so they are both stuck with us.

timetogo2016 Wed 26-May-21 17:04:23

Sorry Sweetpea60,but i think they are taking advantage of you both.
No way on earth would i let my sons` at that age still live with me.
Lay the law down and tell them to find somewhere else to live or at least be civil towards each other,and the youngest should be more respectfull of your situation.
The more you do the more they will let you.
I assume they pay their fair shar of housekeeping and work.
If they do work it`s about time they looked for their own home.
Sorry if i sound harsh,but you and your dh comes first.

Grandmabatty Wed 26-May-21 17:50:02

Do they have health issues and not work? There is absolutely no reason why they should not be living alone at their ages. They are taking advantage of you and your husband and need to grow up and leave you in peace. If it is your property then put it on the market and downsize and make it clear there is no room for them.

BlueBelle Wed 26-May-21 18:04:41

Why are two adult sons of such ages still living at home?I would think that’s your whole problem you really can’t have two males of 36 and 40 still living under their parents roofs
No wonder the younger one has cut himself off it must be very depressing to be stuck at home with a brother who can do no wrong and relying on your parents to put a roof over your head
Why can’t they move out..... both of them ?

3nanny6 Wed 26-May-21 18:08:55

Sweetpea60. Your husband sounds like he has some fairly serious medical conditions which must be difficult to cope with.
Is there any more reasons you can give why your two sons aged 36 and 41 are still living at home. Many adult children have moved out by that age and are leading their own lives.
It sounds like the 41 year old at least tries his best to assist with your husband and is some kind of help but the younger one is behaving like a petulant teenager hiding in his room and door slamming and this is not appropriate behaviour.
It's your husband and your house so your rules apply and you should not be walking on eggshells around them firmly tell them that they behave in an age appropriate way or find somewhere else to live.

Harris27 Wed 26-May-21 18:11:20

I have a son 34 still at home he is saving for a home of his own. I will at some point down size but he knows this I don’t feel any animosity to him he is our son and we love him. I would of worried about him living alone during the last year I really would.

M0nica Wed 26-May-21 18:13:17

It would be helpful to know why they cannot move out. Is it because of health problems, mental or physical?

Are they paying you a reasonably price for their keep? I would expect you to be charging them at least £100 a week, or half their take home income, which ever is less. Quite often being told to pay their way galvanises such children into action.

BlueBelle Wed 26-May-21 18:25:51

Why would you worry about a son of 34 being alone in the lockdown harris isn’t your son able ?
Dont people teach their children how to manage their lives without their parents one of the most important things a parent can give a child is independence teaching a child when small to be resourceful, how to cook, how to manage money how to use a washing machine and how to be an independent being
I understand the need to save up for a house it’s not easy for our young people today but to worry about a 34 yr old man living alone is a problem of letting go that you have

There are times in life if they fall on bad times then they may temporarily return for help and care if ill, become disabled, lose jobs, marriage breaks up etc but temporarily only

Hithere Wed 26-May-21 18:43:47

What is this issue you mention between father and sons?

Katie59 Wed 26-May-21 18:51:52

They are both freeloading boot them out there is plenty of work if they take the trouble to turn up, let them run their own lives. I do help my sons out but there is no way they are moving back!.

Namsnanny Wed 26-May-21 19:01:36

Didnt the OP expressly say there was no option for her sons to move out?
Ergo it's not necessary or helpful to advise.

It must be horrible for you, living through all this tension.

Seems like a heart to heart is in order.
I see your difficulties in 3 groups.

1) Your husbands health and who addresses it

2) Your health and well being (including running the household)

3) Your sons ability to tolerate each other.

Jot these headings down and list things underneath that you would like changed.

Give one each to your sons and say you would like to discuss it together when they have read it.

Tell them you want the best for all of you BUT you cannot go on in the same way for the sake of you and your husbands health.

I hope this is of some use to you.

rafichagran Wed 26-May-21 19:02:32

I would not call anyone a free loader unless I knew the circumstances as to why they are living at home.
The sons may pay their way, the OP has not told us this information.
If my son in his 30's needed a roof over his head I would let him come home. All families are different, and I think some if the replies here are judgemental and harsh.

Hithere Wed 26-May-21 19:03:11

It is not uncommon to see having "no option" as "a choice I am not comfortable with"

M0nica Wed 26-May-21 19:37:31

I think the OP needs to come back and give us some more information, why the sons cannot move out, do they pay her for their keep?

I think a number of us have ACs living alone who have determinedly struggled on during lockdown despite all kinds of problems. It is not impossible.

V3ra Wed 26-May-21 19:57:44

Round here there are many families with adult children still living at home, or who have returned after university. If they pay their way and help out I can't see it's a problem.
Sweetpea's elder son sounds like an asset to the household, the younger one sadly not so.

Harris27 our 36 year old son is shortly moving into his first house. I keep thinking about all the jobs he does around here that I'll have to do when he goes! 😕

Sweetpea60 Wed 26-May-21 20:02:07

Thankyou nansnanny that's a good idea. My oldest some had a relationship breakdown then lost his 12 year old son. Hes in construction but not working at moment , youngest did go to doctor for depression but just got put on medication that he stopped taking. Has been applying for jobs but as yet no success.

Blinko Wed 26-May-21 20:09:14


It would be helpful to know why they cannot move out. Is it because of health problems, mental or physical?

Are they paying you a reasonably price for their keep? I would expect you to be charging them at least £100 a week, or half their take home income, which ever is less. Quite often being told to pay their way galvanises such children into action.

Totally agree. If they're not paying their way, start charging them. They'll soon find reasons to get places of their own. You need to focus on yourself and DH now. DSs can fend for themselves.

Nonogran Wed 26-May-21 20:23:31

Sounds like your eldest is helpful and kinder to his parents and with the house building boom you must hope he gets employment soon. If not, why not? I have family in the construction industry who have mostly worked throughout Covid apart from a short period of furlough last year.
Your younger boy needs to "man up", & look harder for a job, any job, restart his medication & move out. Why would any lad his age want to live at home with Mummy & Daddy and be so disrespectful?
If there is any advice on this feedback string which you value & feel you can follow through, I hope you will.
Best wishes as you and your dear husband work your way through these issues with your 'men."

Namsnanny Wed 26-May-21 21:12:54

Hearing that your youngest has refused his medication is bad news sweetpea

Is there anyone else outside the family you could try to enlist in pointing out to him, how he wont get better until he gives the Dr's advice a go?

Could you talk to your GP and explain your situation?
I have no knowledge of how he/she could help.
But if your husband was eligible for help at home. Or it was possible for him to be taken out now and again, having him out of the house might give you a chance to speak to younger son more easily?
Might give you a break?

I would like to say, that it is very difficult for a depressed person to present positively at a job interview.
Maybe some here dont quite understand the illness?

All of you being stuck in together are just incubating all the stress, it seems to me.

annsixty Wed 26-May-21 21:19:31

Until one has had an AC with a mental illness it is so unfair to criticise someone else’s decisions.
Walk a mile in their shoes is brilliant advice.
If only life was perfect.
We do what we can to support that child and if we feel safest and more confident in having them under our roof then that is what we must do.
Such harsh comments without knowing the facts.

Namsnanny Wed 26-May-21 21:23:59

annsixty flowers

Namsnanny Wed 26-May-21 21:30:46

Counselling is always recommended, but if it is on the NHS your son will have to wait somewhere around 10-18 months Im afraid.

You mentioned he went to university, it is possible he could find some counselling from a charity for under 25y.
I dont have a link but someone else may have.

Hithere Wed 26-May-21 22:08:19

Is there any plan for them to get on their feet and move out?

If not, this is plain enablement.

M0nica Wed 26-May-21 22:28:48

Your post sweetpea does put a very different light on it.

I am surprised anyone working in construction is unemployed. Round here, construction craftsmen are like hens teeth. However I know this varies from place to place and new building wise Oxfordshire is a hot spot.

BlueBelle Wed 26-May-21 23:10:45

You mentioned he went to university, it is possible he could find some counselling from a charity for under 25y.
He’s 36 namsnanny and the older one 41 we are not talking about young lads here

I think you have a big old problem with two sons of these ages living at home the elder is like his father and helps him they have a partnership, so obviously the younger one feels left out which has probably increased his depression Aged 36 living with his parents .... with no job and a brother who is the apple of parents eyes, helpful, kind, thoughtful is there any wonder he stays in his room and shuns family company and is depressed
I don’t know the answer because the situation is already set up
It’s a tough one for you