DH hiding behind me and making me look like the bad guy

My OH sometimes does that - he will say "We don't..." when it is actually something that he doesn't like doing. I just smile and say "Speak for yourself, please". Or I might say "Speaking for myself ..." and say my piece. Depending on whose company we are in, I might add "XX doesn't like eating salmon (for example) but I'm fine with it".

He soon got the message and rarely does it now.

... I meant to add I never feel like a prat! Perhaps it's the smile that saves me ...

You shouldn't feel like a prat for correcting something he says that you feel is undermining you. If you let him get away with it he will keep on doing it.

It’s a sign of anxiety on his part, and wanting to appear more decisive than he actually is.
If he continues in this vein when times become ‘normal’ have a word with him about it.

Just laugh the next time he does it hugshelp and then put him right. Why worry about feeling like the bad guy in front of others by standing up for yourself, when he's portraying you as the bad guy with miss information?

I would be having a little chat with him about it and putting him on warning that the next times he does this in front of others then you will be calling him out on it, in front of said company. Stay good to your word and make sure you carry out your threat if necessary, very nicely of course - doesn't need to be done aggressively.

well is this a new thing.
you took him on, did you not notice these tendencies before.
seems like very little to complain about.
a partnership should be a team effort, esp vis-a-vis outsiders.
you probably do something that annoys him. we all do.
it's a question of priorities.
i used to have to tell my partner where to sit as we joined a coffee morning group, otherwise the discussion would be interrupted by his indecision.
so people thought i was bossy, whereas i thought i was trying to keep the flow of the discussion going, not make a fuss.
wish i had that annoyance now. or being misjudged.

We once had a blockage in our septic tank spreader pipe and it had to be released. As the s**t flew in a fountain into the air, my OH said: "It's all hers; it's nothing to do with me!"

welbeck

well is this a new thing.
you took him on, did you not notice these tendencies before.
seems like very little to complain about.
a partnership should be a team effort, esp vis-a-vis outsiders.
you probably do something that annoys him. we all do.
it's a question of priorities.
i used to have to tell my partner where to sit as we joined a coffee morning group, otherwise the discussion would be interrupted by his indecision.
so people thought i was bossy, whereas i thought i was trying to keep the flow of the discussion going, not make a fuss.
wish i had that annoyance now. or being misjudged.

yeah I wish I had the odd socks everywhere.

When I point it out he claims not to have said the things he's said. I quote him verbatim and he denies it. f I insist (even taped him once) he'll say, 'well, that's not what I meant...' It's like he panics and will say anything to get the result he needs but take no responsibility for it.

My DH does the same!!

I think it depends on your expectations, there is absolutely no way I could tolerate that, it sounds quite unpleasant, especially the lying about what he has said.

Tell him what it is that he is doing that annoys you and say that if he continues to do this in front of other people you will start correcting him in front of other people as it makes you feel bad.

Thanks for all your replies.
Lots of helpful things.
It’s a sign of anxiety on his part, and wanting to appear more decisive than he actually is. that's exactly right lemongrove

Thanks juliet27 - glad it's not just us lol.

I think correcting him with a light touch probably is the way forward, as a few of you have suggested.
However today, I could hear him but he was on the phone (therefore I couldn't correct anything) and it was a long litany of his opinions (many of which I don't agree with) that he delivered as mine. The friend is a mutual female friend and he was supposed to be texting her to arrange a get together for us all but rang her for a long chat instead. So now I'm aware our friend may think I have all sorts of opinions that I don't. (and he brought some quite sensitive topics up)

He'll even give me an opinion and introduce it with, 'as you say...' and quote me - giving me an opinion that's totally contrary to my actual one. I'll just have to keep working on it.

I'm sorry for those of you who are missing your loved ones. It's not about not appreciating my DH it's about what is healthy for us both.

Just popping back to say thanks again. Having chatted here yesterday and slept on it, I can see just what's going on.

When DH was working he mostly talked about his work, it's how he defined himself. Now he's lost, trying to find the new him, and he's not sure what that is. Not only does he deflect his opinions onto me, he changes them all the time. He's lost the 'authority' he had and is grappling to replace that.

We can work this out. Thanks for the input, it obviously helped me to click things into place.

It's great that you've found some clarity hugshelp and having done so, hopefully will find a solution. Good luck.

My DH refers to us as the Royal ‘WE’ but I no longer keep quiet and say if I don’t agree, I don’t always agree with him and don’t want to be lumped in with his thoughts. Recently he was complaining about something and I could see the suppliers eyes glazing over as he was rambling on and on about what ‘we’ were unhappy about. I interjected only to be told I was playing devil’s advocate! I told him that I was entitled to my own opinion and didn’t always agree with him. I too have to take my DH everywhere due to his ill health, it drives me crazy but I do make sure I go out to meet my girl friends whenever I can. My DH has lost confidence and is very frail, where he used to be strong and dynamic- it makes life very difficult and he is not the man I used to know, but it is not his fault and I have to keep reminding myself!

My husband always quotes the royal “we think…., we said ….. whereas I have different views on topics. The dynamics of my marriage are changing as my husband’s lack of mobility affects our daily life, together with his panic attacks etc. I am accused of not being sympathetic to his needs, but find my activities curtailed as -although I have driven for years. I tend to get chaperoned everywhere. It is so hard to deal with and I feel trapped.