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The truth hurts

(23 Posts)
Jen67patte Tue 06-Jul-21 08:40:19

Hi all
Yesterday I had a rather heated discussion with my Mother,( adopted), and I ended up confessing that I had overheard her and my dad ,( passed away in October), talking about myself, my husband and my boys.
They said a lot of disparaging things and I’ve kept it to myself for a year as I didn’t want confrontation. I was however deeply hurt at the time.
Yesterday I say, I , calmly, let her know what I heard and she went absolutely ballistic!!… saying how dare I think or say such things etc etc.
I really don’t like upsetting people but it was time yesterday gor the truth to out.
Over the years there have been many nasty things said or done by her…. Too many to post!
Any thoughts please. TIA X

Esspee Tue 06-Jul-21 08:54:14

It is a pity you didn’t confront them at the time. It might have been dealt with and apologies/explanations given, then forgotten by now.
It has been eating away at you and possibly building up. She is your mother, the person who brought you up (whether biological or not). Either you get all the perceived slights out to be discussed or you distance yourself.
I would recommend a heart to heart discussion remembering she is grieving.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 06-Jul-21 09:01:33

If you can talk about it without becoming upset or angry it may help to 'let it out' or maybe not - her response thus far seems to say otherwise.

My mum's favourite phrase was 'least said, soonest mended' but that often resulted in simmering resentments which isn't good either.

Madgran77 Tue 06-Jul-21 09:18:13

You have every right to discuss this with her. But October is not long ago and you are both bereaved ..... only you can decide if this is the best time and if her reaction links at least partly to her bereavement flowers

Caleo Tue 06-Jul-21 09:18:44

Jen, you were right to tell your mum what you had heard and how you felt about it. She may be old but unless she is ill or demented she is still responsible for what she said and owes you an explanation or an apology , whichever applies.

Good for you that you dare think and question!

timetogo2016 Tue 06-Jul-21 09:22:48

I agree with whats been posted by the Gransnetters.

Smileless2012 Tue 06-Jul-21 09:35:10

Condolences for the loss of your father Jenflowers.

As Espee has posted, it's a shame you didn't deal with this at the time. There may have been other things going on in your parents lives at the time that contributed to the conversation you over heard.

You and your mum are only 8 months into grieving for your loss and her reaction IMO may well have been due to this not being the right time.

I hope that despite your mum's reaction, you feel a little better for getting this out in the open. Maybe at some point in the future your mum will re visit yesterday's conversation when she's better placed emotionally to deal with the hurt it caused you.

MoorlandMooner Tue 06-Jul-21 09:37:09

People who say or do nasty things often get away with it because the nice people around them are too polite or kind to challenge them. I've also found, that if you confront people about repeated bad behaviour they go ballistic and blame the confronter, learning anything or admitting and owning their own behaviour. Perhaps that's why they're still being unkind and judgemental all through their lives rather than softening and getting some empathy and compassion.

I say you did the right thing Jen67patte. You have to inhabit your own life and respect yourself and part of this is standing up for yourself when nasty, unkind, judgemental things are said about you. Otherwise you are saying that you are worth less than other people.

Caleo Tue 06-Jul-21 09:43:44

Moorland Mooner, I agree with you. You have enlarged on my own contribution. However backgrounds can be intimidating and it is hard to confront others who have or seem to have power over you. I hope Jen67patte will feel encouraged by Gransnet posters.

Kim19 Tue 06-Jul-21 09:50:01

Tend to agree with Esspee in general. There's a saying about one nursing wrath to keep it warm and I feel this may be applicable here. Also your need to designate your Mum I find uncomfortable. She is older than you and you're both in mourning so perhaps a velvet glove approach from you would be the way to go. Good luck.

Smileless2012 Tue 06-Jul-21 09:50:04

confused There's absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest that Jen's mother often gets away with saying or doing nasty things MoorlandMooner. Unless we are given additional information this, according to Jen is an isolated incident which happened a year ago.

Yammy Tue 06-Jul-21 10:33:20

Nobody likes to hear things about themselves either by accident or third hand. You did the right thing. You have probably never confronted your mother in the past or you would have when you heard her speaking to your late father.
I had this with both my mother and Mil.
It will take her a while but she will from now on know you are going to stand no-nonsense. Yes, she is grieving but so are you.
Let her lose her temper just keep doing what you did and she will eventually realise her behaviour will not be tolerated either talking behind your back or temper tantrums. That is a very immature way of getting your own way and I would tell her so.
I really feel for you we all stand up for ourselves or try to at work but with family it is different,
Just remember your feelings are as important as hers.
Good luck.[Flowers]

greenlady102 Tue 06-Jul-21 10:38:56

one quick thought well done you

Esspee Tue 06-Jul-21 10:55:46

Smileless2012

confused There's absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest that Jen's mother often gets away with saying or doing nasty things MoorlandMooner. Unless we are given additional information this, according to Jen is an isolated incident which happened a year ago.

"Over the years there have been many nasty things said or done by her"
Smileless, did you not read the OP?

Jen67patte Tue 06-Jul-21 12:01:05

My goodness Thankyou all for such words of wisdom 😌I do feel better having got it out in the open but really not comfortable having made her so angry 😡!
Thankyou for all the comments X

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 06-Jul-21 12:07:34

Until I got to the end of your post, I would have said that a private conversation between husband and wife about their children are not often meant to be heard by said children and often are said in a desperate ‘well, but what can you do?’ Type of way, plus I dislike eavesdroppers.
However, if she usually says and does nasty things to your face then at least you have got it out into the open, but I doubt that she will accept your version after the recent death of her husband.

sodapop Tue 06-Jul-21 12:12:38

I'm not sure why you had to add 'adopted ' to your post Jen67patte are there unresolved issues around this as well. You are right to confront your mother about the unkind things she says about your family though. Don't dwell on all this, most of us have said things when we are upset that we later regret. I think at some point in the future you need to talk to your mother about things she says about you and find out where these feelings are coming from.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 06-Jul-21 12:19:59

I would have said something at the time that I had heard what was said, but can well understand that you would be stewing on this, nobody likes to hear someone badmouthing them or their family,if she’s said things over the years I doubt very much her character will change jen67 glad you got it off your chest,

Toadinthehole Tue 06-Jul-21 12:38:08

I’m all for dealing with things at the time, but appreciate this isn’t easy for everyone, my husband included. This then gives time for resentment to grow, and people to ‘ explode’, because they’re at the end of their tether.
The point is, you’ve done it now. It doesn’t matter how old everyone is, your mother is still the older one, and is ahead in experience. Always will be.
I think you did the right thing, because this wasn’t a one off. You’re grieving too. That’s just as important.

Smileless2012 Tue 06-Jul-21 13:24:34

I did Esspee but not as well as I thought I hadblush.

When someone's nasty behaviour goes unchallenged, particularly over a long period of time, any mention of it is bound to be met with hostility, especially when the one being challenged is dealing with their grief.

mumofmadboys Tue 06-Jul-21 16:54:34

If your mum was commenting on your parenting, views have changed over the years. My parents definitely felt we were rather lax in our discipline! However each couple decides for themselves how they will parent their children ( and we all make mistakes!) If your mum says something inappropriate again perhaps you should immediately pick her up on it and say 'Gosh I'm sure you are not intending to be rude/ hurtful but that is how it comes over' Trust your own viewpoint especially where your DH and children are concerned.

Fennel Tue 06-Jul-21 17:40:37

In a way it's better to bring out your feelings while she's still here. Rather than bottle them up until after she's gone Depends on how you handle it now. And how she reacts.
Tell her how much you appreciate all the positives of your adoption. It's a triicky one.

Smileless2012 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:10:01

That's a good point Fennel and perhaps a pity that this wasn't talked about when the OP's father was alive as he was involved in the conversation she over heard.