Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

I don’t agree with going to the police , I m not even sure how well you will manage with a GP but I would definitely talk to your son I would also make notes of what he’s doing and saying etc just bullet points
Today he spent 20 minutes talking about her
he was at the window watching for 1 hour etc etc

I really think one of your children is the key to this as they are uninvolved unlike you who is very emotionally involved
I m unsure about talking to the neighbour at this point, perhaps she isn’t noticing and just thinks he’s a friendly neighbour or thinks he’s a daft old fool not worth thinking about
You say he has a high risk medical condition may I ask what that is?
Your children are the key at this stage and I wish you luck, do let us know how it goes Poor you and poor man if he is heading for some mental Heath or medical condition

He must come over as a bit of a stalker, if possible I would try to have a gentle word with her, diplomatically of course. He sounds as if he’s lost his reason for a while. It must be very uncomfortable for this woman who most likely won’t want to hurt either of you. Someone needs to do something. If I was the woman, I would tell him in no uncertain terms to stop doing what he’s doing as she finds it creepy. He needs to be told. Good luck.

I have to be honest (and shoot me down in flames if you want) if this was me I would not think about HIS privacy because his behaviour is Unreasonable and this is grounds for divorce. You have already listed a few examples and proof of this should be enough to A) threaten him with a lawyers letter to make him behave in a decent and respectable way or B) go through with it if his behaviour does not improve or if he doesn't agree to treatment.

If he is unwilling to discuss his behaviour I dont see that there is any choice but to take this further.

I wonder if there would be mileage in showing him a video of his own behaviour? Perhaps he might watch it and see how strange and fixated his behaviour is? (Obviously save the original somewhere safe or send it to someone for safe keeping in case he goes mad and destroys your phone)

Keep copies of everything and send them to someone you trust. Get hard proof and you are in control. A few years ago my friend found that her husband had been viewing porn on his phone. She made him go for counselling, but it wasn't successful. They ended up splitting up because he did it again.

Ok, even filming him is technically invading his privacy, but it could be helpful in terms of getting help. Personally if this was me, I would read all the whatsapp messages and screenshot them for further reference and take the neighbours number from there in order to contact her by phone in case I wasn't able to discretely pop round.

Who knows, there might be a post on Mumsnet from a Mum whose elderly neighbours are surveillancing her?

I disagree with some of the suggestions here particularly about checking his browser history or talking to the police. The former is an invasion of his privacy (even if he is invading someone else's) and the second action would be for the neighbour to do if she feels threatened.

I agree with nannarose that tailing is also to be avoided and the OP has already expressed her regret at having done this.

The key is the baby delusion and that really is indicative of something not right in his mind which warrants medical enquiry. How the OP effects this when it so hard to get to see a doctor at the moment is another matter but OP says he has health issues (and is planning to write to their GP) so maybe a doctor could broach this with discretion as part of a general check over.

I am wondering how he will react if the neigbour goes on vacation for a week or two once school is out.

You have a lot of good advice here, and I second talking to the GP.
There are 2 schools of thought on here about talking to the neighbour, but a 'middle ground' would be to chat to her and say that you are somewhat worried about your husband, possible dementia / mental health issue. That lets her know, without you getting tangled up too much in specifics. She may then tell you more. It would probably be helpful for her as well.

Can I also add something gently? You following your neighbour is unusual behaviour - it shows how distressed this is making you, and is a strong indicator that you need to seek help for your husband.

Please look on-line for help from people like MIND or Alzheimer's Society.

My very best wishes in dealing with this

Yes, definitely talk to the neighbour, then that side of things are dealt with, and as someone else said, if she is feeling freaked out, she knows she’s got you on side, and she won’t feel mad for talking about it with you, should she need to.
You say she may not have noticed. She has without a doubt. They’ve been WhatsApping. How did that come about? The exchange of numbers.
Please talk to her, and then you can concentrate on your husband, and getting to the bottom of why he’s doing this.

Bettinalove I am so sorry to read about all this. What a bad time you’re having. I too had thought the police might be able to help but then thought there’s a chance he will think the object of his delusions has reported him and seek revenge so I’m not sure that’s a risk worth taking. I agree you should have a word with the neighbour - I doubt his obsession has gone unnoticed with all the messages and sitting at the window so you’re unlikely to be telling her anything she doesn’t know. He’s stalking her and there is now a law to deal with this sort of thing.

Are you or your son able to look at his computer and find out what he’s been doing on it? You already have your suspicions but best to be certain.

I also agree you need to get his GP involved. I would speak to him/her rather than write. Tell him/her everything so they have the full picture. This doesn’t sound like a silly crush any more, it’s become seriously delusional behaviour. Delusional behaviour can change and escalate so the sooner you speak to the GP the better. Your son, GP, the neighbour in question and the one you saw this morning will be your allies.

I think it’s important your children know about this. You may well feel your marriage is at an end - I’m sure I would - and will need their support going forward, perhaps even stay with them for a while if possible. Please don’t delay in taking action.

I hope you’ll tell us how things go. I wish you the very best.

Agree with OandU. You need to start gathering hard evidence. I’m so sorry you are having to cope with this. It dawned on me a couple of days ago that my eldest sibling is losing it. The realisation suddenly explains a lot! But you need professional help, and proof will help start the ball rolling.

Just another thought, is there anyway you can discretely film his behaviour on your mobile phone? This way you will be able to show someone if you need proof of what he's doing.

He sounds unhinged, sorry. He is probably delusional, but is causing you distress and maybe the neighbour too. Someone needs to put a stop to this because it won't be him. I am so sorry for your pain but I don't believe it's right for you to be suffering like this. You owe him no loyalty now, because this IS cheating even emotionally- and his behaviour is completely disrespectful to you.

Given the levels you've described Bettinalove, I would definitely speak to your neighbour. Make her aware you KNOW how unreasonable he is and let her know you've tried and failed to deal with him.

And then I would contact the police on the local number you have for them (because it isn't YET a 999 issue, but could get to that point, if your neighbour feels threatened). A visit from them, hopefully with no mention of your involvement, about the consequences of stalking would hopefully shock him into some sense.

He's distanced himself from you and the rest of the family so is probably firmly delusional about any interventions taken, even by his own children.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I would definitely speak to your neighbourBettinalove and tell her about your concerns. She needs to know that your husband is behaving inappropriately.
Talk things through with your family so they are aware of the problem and see what help you can get from your GP or mental health team. I suspect though that there is little they can do at present but they can support you.

Your latest post puts a whole new slant on it, doesn't it? My advice would be to hold off talking to the neighbour yet, as you don't want to frighten her or even to upset your husband really, especially as it sounds as if he is very unwell and, despite the hurt and worry he is causing you, you sound as if you care a great deal about him. I would talk to your son as soon as possible, say it's about his dad and that it is important and maybe get him to go with his dad to the GP. Perhaps your son, being a man, can talk to him man to man without all the husband/wife issues. I

I wouldn’t normally advocate this, but since the behaviour is unusual, can you take look at his search history, etc? That should give you an idea of what you’re dealing with:

Bettinalove
After reading your latest posts I would not only speak to her but I would make sure that he saw me speaking to her.
Then when I came back home I would tell him exactly what I had said to her.
I’m sorry to say that whichever way it goes it’s not going to be easy ?

The problem my angel is your husband. He could be starting with dementia which is suggested by his weird remarks about the patter of tiny feet etc.
Combined with his sudden interest in social media and tech I’d suspect he’s looking at inappropriate stuff on the net too, possibly dating sites.
My brother in law unfortunately did the same, posting up a fake profile of someone in his thirties, and using some other chap’s photo.
He was diagnosed with Lewy Bodies Dementia or a name like that. Apparently it caused disinhibition and takes the brakes off all round making people behave in very peculiar ways.
I am sorry this has happened, and hope life improves for you. Tell all your children and the GP.
Maybe you could lose his phone and cut the internet. My sister used to turn the router off as much as possible. My BIL never looked to see if the lights were on.

He has just been more and more distant in the last 5 months. He has not raised his voice or anything like that he just ignores me for hours on end. Its very difficult to live with. He no longer participates in anything i want to do and rarely helps around the house. We dont go out together. He has started to use a computer more intently which will be a learning experience for him. He did join a course in IT skills which i thought was odd at the time but maybe he was just wanting to learn new things. He has used covid as an excuse to limit seeing the DC and DGC. He is in a higher risk category with his health conditions then i am.

He goes out often alone. He plays bowls a lot. I am certain he is not meeting her. I admit i have tailed her twice in the car just after he left when she went out. She drove to a warehouse and his car was not there. The second time she drove to Morrisons. I felt ashamed of myself, rather embarrassed i had stooped to this and have not done so since. I doubt he is messaging her online as he is on for hours and she is always in and out the house. I hope i am right. But the trust i had in him is just not there. The secret behaviours he persists in - its awful but it is changing my behaviour and my inner strength. After over 40 years and we are at a brick wall that he doesnt acknowledge. Theres some tough choices to be made.

Your right i need to speak to her. i just need to catch her when he is not in and her children are in school.

could you talk to your son today?

It al sounds very upsetting and worrying for you and you need to get some support x

I spoke to an elderly man,about78 plus,at the gym ad I knew his wife. He followed me and asked me out, found my number and kept phoning and was also caught hanging round my house. I turned out he had Parkinson's and had developed obsessions due to meds.

I think this has gone beyond anything ‘ harmless’ and that he is so deluded he could actually be a danger to someone. You need to speak to his GP ASAP. , for a mental health check for him.

Oh dear. The baby delusion puts a very different complexion on it and suggests a more serious mental health issue. Are there other aspects of his behaviour which are giving you cause for concern?

* His response is simply that i dont understand what he has here and what she will be part of.*

OK, having seen that last update this is ringing SERIOUS warning bells.

You have to talk to her so that she sees you’ve noticed and aren’t OK with it. She’ll likely be feeling unsettled and gaslit - after all, he’s just a harmless old man! - and knowing you’re aware of it will help her. Tell her you’ll speak to him so she knows she has someone on her side

i just want to say thank you so much to everyone for your replies, support and understanding. Its so nice to know that others care. i visited my other neighbour next to us this morning whilst OH is still sitting at the window watching for her and i burst into tears. I think the realisation is hitting that our relationship will no longer be the same after this. Its not just about her, its about us. He feels like a stranger to me now. I honestly dont know where we go from here.

My neighbour has suggested talking to one of my adult children about it. My DS2 who is 18 months younger then this woman is closest to his father. Maybe he will get some sense into him. Ive been trying to hide it from the DC and DGC to protect them. Im realising this is not the right approach.

I will write to the GP. Last night i approached OH more lightly. As i was not challenging him he made inappropriate comments about her. I think he is seeing her as someone who is much younger then she actually is. He talked about the "pitter patter" of tiny feet she could bring without actually saying he loved her, he wants a baby with her etc. I reminded him she is 44 and therefore middle aged. I also pointed out to him she is not some young just out of university free-spirited girl but someone who has been in adulthood for 25 years and likely at the prime of building her business, in control of her life unlikely to need help or a father figure. His response is simply that i dont understand what he has here and what she will be part of.

Im unsure if and how to speak with her. If she hasnt really noticed i dont want to make her paranoid to go out in her own garden. If she has noticed i dont want to cause upset and awkwardness by inflating his behaviour but i dont want her to think i dont care. I will give it some thought and run it past my son. If he begins to continuously talk to her i may have to say something then. Do you all think this is the right approach. Its so difficult.

As others have said, it sounds like a crush in which he had idealized her and is craving her attention. The more you nag him about it the more he will be silent with you. He’s juggling two women in his head - the vivacious, popular, fantasy woman across the road and his comfy wife of many years who is criticizing him. This makes you the enemy because you are calling him out and embarrassing him over something that he may feel embarrassed about anyway. Any slight reciprocity from your neighbour will give him hope, even one innocuous reply to his ten messages.

I disagree with others who say talk to her because if she is enjoying the attention then it might increase the frisson for her if she knows it’s upsetting you. If she feels uncomfortable she can let you know. Depending on what kind of woman she is, she and her friends might be having a good laugh about this. Silly old s*d who lives across the road with his boring wife so he's got the hots for her. You don't want to be rising to that kind of thinking.

I was widowed young and have lead a single and very independent life for the last twenty years. I have been on the receiving end of a fair number of crushes from men of all ages, some of them married, some of them considerably older than I am. There’s something about a single, independent woman that acts like catnip. Motivations are different. Some think single women are fair game, some simply admire that independence, others want to be helpers and protectors. It sounds like your husband may be in the latter category.

My advice is to do nothing. Don't nag him, don't speak to her about it. Just ride it out until he loses interest, which he will, in time.