Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

Thank you for coming back - and what changes you are managing in such a short time! I think you should at least feel pleased that you are holding your head up and surviving. You may feel wobbly now and then, no doubt, but the practical things are at least in motion (we hope). Hold onto the idea that a new and less stressful life will come along in due course.

I'm sorry that your 1st son is struggling so much and has become angry. I think maybe your other son will help him understand what has been going on- and the pain it has caused you. He obviously loves both you and your husband and is massively conflicted about trying to come to terms with the changes in your lives. All this is new to him, but you have lived these changes for a long time now.

Thank goodness you have your other dear children to help you.
I'm sure we are all on here wishing you well and hoping for the very best outcome.

Hello everyone. Hoping everyone is keeping well. Things are sadly not going to plan. DH was released from hospital last week as they could not find any reason for him being there. DH came home, i had little time to prepare. I think he had known he was coming home but as i am no longer his NOK in the hospital records i did not know until a few hours before. DH came home. Nothing seems to have changed. DH continues to watch out of the window although he no longer goes on the drive. Physically his mobility is worse then before. He is having difficulty getting out of a chair and gets a lot of back and hip pain. DH does not acknowledge me so i do not enter the living room. I have refrained to cook for him or do any washing for him with him showing so little respect to me. These are tasks of which he is struggling with. I do however clean the house except his room as i have to live here. I have spent some time with DD and SIL. I am trying to fill the days keeping busy with other activities. We are like ghosts living in the same house.

DH has told DS2 that he is getting the divorce sorted so just waiting for him to give me paperwork. DH seems convinced he will be keeping the house. DS2 has been quite firm with him saying he will help deal with the legal aspects. I believe DH thinks DS2 will favour him. DS1 is not coping and has become angry to both DH and myself. I am not seeing him at present. If the divorce happens i will go to DD for some time. The company of my AC and DGD is what keeps me going at the moment.

Im sorry i couldnt give you all better news and thanks for all your support. xxx

Maddison. On Mumsnet they are more direct with posters who comment without reading the thread.
The usual answer is RTFT.

I do hope you are ok bettina
As notspaghetti says maddison you need to read the whole story

Maddison please read back over the thread. There have been significant developments that I think you have missed.

I agree with most comments you need to speak to her and hopefully put your mind at rest, i too would be suspicious, but the longer you leave it the worse it will be for your health, it might help her too, she might want to talk to you about it if it is becoming a problem to her,

Oops, sorry, I meant to quote someone,ignore me I'm new! I hope you can find a way through this bettinalove, how very sad.

Amen sister, well said!?

Thinking of you bettinalove.

Thinking of you bettina

Hoping you are OK Bettinalove and that you’ve been able to get some legal advice. Speak to Women’s Aid if you feel unsafe at all.

Germanshepherdsmum I agree totally with your post

You are not taking into consideration onwardandupward that this man is probably not acting as he normally would he very obviously has a severe mental health problem which is causing him to act this way and sounds as if it has developed over the last year he could have Alzheimer’s starting, he could have Parkinson’s, or he could have a brain tumour which changes totally people normal outlook
Calling him a hateful man is not kind to Bettina who has obviously had a decent marriage for a long long time

Please Bettina get a) legal advise CAB would help you if you can’t afford a solicitor and b) some counselling to help you see the wood from the trees

Logged in just to say how sorry I am for you OP. Also make sure to consult a lawyer before moving any assets or money - as I’m not sure in Britain but in North America that can get you in loads of trouble if divorce proceedings move forward. Overall I would suggest you should get legal advice on your unique situation before your husband is discharged.

Best of luck. You’ll be in my families thoughts and prayers .

Thinking of you Bettina.

Dear Bettina, lots of sound advice here. I just want to send my love and support. We are all behind you and here for you whenever you need us. Look after yourself xx

LtEve

If the medical professionals told him he would be sectioned if he attempted to discharge himself then they must agree he does not have capacity. As far as I know someone without capacity cannot start to issue divorce proceedings or change their will etc. I would suggest moving half the contents of any joint accounts into the account opened in your name to at least delay any detriment to you. Also as a previous poster said get all the documents relating to your house, any loans etc together and have them copied. Also try and find any evidence of any accounts etc that he may have opened recently. If this mental deterioration has been slowly escalating then he hasn’t been in his right mind for a while and may have done a lot of things you are unaware of especially if he generally looks after finance.
This is NOT being disloyal as he is obviously medically not in his right mind but you do need to protect yourself.

All of this is great advice!

OandO, please remember that an illness, yet to be diagnosed, has changed the husband’s personality. This change may or may not be reversed with treatment, we don’t know, but in the meantime it’s unkind to call him ‘hateful’ no matter how badly he has behaved due to his illness. I hope Bettina will get legal advice as I suggested. You seem hell-bent on telling her to get a divorce. It may or may not come to that but it’s not for us to urge. We are here just to give her some practical suggestions and support in whatever she, with the help of her family, decides to do. She has access to legal and family support and that’s where advice about the future of her long marriage should come from, and that advice will take account of all the circumstances and her husband’s prognosis. Divorce may or may not be forced on her by her husband if indeed he is mentally capable of instructing a solicitor, as to which I have my doubts. But I don’t think your almost hysterical posts urging her to commence divorce proceedings are helpful. Bettina needs some calm headspace to consider her options carefully.

If the medical professionals told him he would be sectioned if he attempted to discharge himself then they must agree he does not have capacity. As far as I know someone without capacity cannot start to issue divorce proceedings or change their will etc. I would suggest moving half the contents of any joint accounts into the account opened in your name to at least delay any detriment to you. Also as a previous poster said get all the documents relating to your house, any loans etc together and have them copied. Also try and find any evidence of any accounts etc that he may have opened recently. If this mental deterioration has been slowly escalating then he hasn’t been in his right mind for a while and may have done a lot of things you are unaware of especially if he generally looks after finance.
This is NOT being disloyal as he is obviously medically not in his right mind but you do need to protect yourself.

Thanks for the update Bettinalove
Please, please, please x1000 do not have this hateful man in your home.
I think (perhaps with lockdown) he has had a lot of time to think awful thoughts and has changed from the man you once knew. I know many shot me down in flames for suggesting divorce already (and it wouldn't be an easy choice) but sounds like he wants one.
I am sure being completely alone is easier than being with someone who is ignoring you and treating you badly. You may find when you are out of this situation that you had been tolerating many things which were less than ideal (Sometimes we can't see the woods for the trees)
Work would be hard at your age, but it would also get you out of the house and meeting new people. Who knows all the amazing people you could meet? Maybe get some help to go through the grieving stages for what you thought you had and accept what is, then move on into your new life. I know it's easier said than done, but your GN family will be here to support you and you have your real family who all want the best for you.

Sorry, I meant to write you should NOT have your husband home as things stand. Please put your safety and well being first.

oh how awful for you, so glad that you have the support of the family, and here's hoping that he gets kept in hospital until it is clear what the problem is and that you are safe, he has proved that he is a danger to others. It is important that he gets a diagnosis, so that for instance, he can't take all the money out of his account and use it to fulfil his dreams or whatever, there are more forms of abuse than simple physical abuse, financial abuse for example
You must be in a whirlwind in your head, it would be good to see a solicitor as some have already said, to safeeguard your situation as much as you possibly can

It might be an idea to ask your DS2 to record his father talking about you and his intentions regarding your poor neighbour. In this way you can demonstrate he is a danger to others and delusional if he manages to persuade the medical staff that he is well.

I agree with others who say you should have your husband home and am aware you are likely to feel under pressure to do so. From what you have said there is a real safety issue for you and also potentially for your neighbour and her children.
Your husband needs help and so do you, such a difficult time and I imagine you feel churned up. Have you been in touch with your local Age UK or other sources of advice and advocacy?
Thinking of you - stay strong.

I’m so sorry, Bettinalove. As others have said, I think you need to be very firm about not having him discharged to home. Something has happened to his mental state, and I think your safety would be compromised, no matter which bedroom you’re in.

Are there police reports that can support the OP?

I would honestly talk to a lawyer and see what my rights are vs his rights.

You need documentation to show he is dangerous to himself and others - your word is not enough

If he comes back home- you need it to defend yourself.