Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

I honestly would wait and see what your son advises Bettina I know by this is very distressing for you.

Quite Polarbear2, I know two mid seventy year old gents who have been having "affairs" lately. It seems to me that something happens in the brain which clouds boundaries and reactions but which isn't dementia. I would have a word with the lady concerned.

muffinthemoo

Ah come on now, an affair? When he’s in his seventies? Even if the spirit were willing the flesh is surely incapable. Things are bad enough for bettina without setting her to chase that hare.

I hope your son helps to get to the bottom of this, and I hope your husband has just gone a bit odd in lockdown and there’s nothing medically troubling him.

Erm. Flesh is incapable in your 70’s? Sorry to disabuse you but that’s just not true. ?. Sometimes I wish!! ???

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Could you both try and start some new hobbies or interests. He sounds as if he is very bored and needing some stimulation in life and you sound like you need a distraction from your husband's obsession. Unless he is genuinely unwell then her arrival on the scene has stirred some pretty strong physical and sexual emotions in him....ones he probably thought were long forgotten. He has to agree to seeing the doctor to undertake any tests which I doubt he will agree to. Protect any accounts/money you may have. If he is delusional he may start giving away money or paying to view inappropriare websites. Look to applying for Power of Attorney now. Believe me, many men still have quite powerful sexual urges well in to their 70s and 80s. He may indeed be unwell or he may just be having a very belated midlife crisis.

oh what a silly old fool he is, I'd get hold of his phone at the first chance without him knowing and delete her number! Or 'lose' his phone for good. hopefully she'll tell him to get lost soon.

Of course they do onward some men are born flirts, have no thoughts for the partner, and do what they want believing they will never be challenged ( I had one like that) but that is their personality THIS is new behaviour and is obviously not how this man has conducted his behaviour within his marriage and life before and let’s face it it’s far far from normal male ego/behaviour isn’t it ?
To sit for hours watching someone and talk about her having his baby is not normal for an old man who has been (I m presuming) a loyal husband up to now
Bettina I m sure there’s no affair going on at all if he’s sitting drooling or worrying where she is, he’s not out doing anything
If she were remotely interested she’d be ringing him to help her with this or that or to come over and move this or that, he did one thing for her ….5 months ago

He’s either having an (very)old man crisis or is ill, hand it over to your sons to help with but don’t you get obsessed with it watching him, watching her or you ll drive yourself crazy

Ah come on now, an affair? When he’s in his seventies? Even if the spirit were willing the flesh is surely incapable. Things are bad enough for bettina without setting her to chase that hare.

I hope your son helps to get to the bottom of this, and I hope your husband has just gone a bit odd in lockdown and there’s nothing medically troubling him.

There isn’t an affair. He’s got no further than the garden.

There is no stalking. He sends messages that can be blocked should the recipient be minded to.

There is only an elderly man, for the most part entirely harmless, exhibiting excessive behaviours that were not present before.

I’m not sure what a GP can do about preventing such behaviours but since certain medical conditions need to be eliminated as the cause, a visit to the GP would be my first port of call.

BlueBelle

Why do I think he might be ill mentally or physically ?
Because a man wanting to have an affair does NOT tell his wife, he is sneaky, he is hiding his obsession he is doing everything to stop you from knowing….but…. your husband isn’t …..hes talking to you about it, he’s asking your opinion, he’s telling you she may be pregnant, he’s sharing his annoyance when people are being entertained He’s not being devious or hiding his interest which is not normal

That is just not how cheating men act and believe me I ve had enough in my life

Some men DO openly flirt with other women and talk about other women in front of their wives. DM used to say she could never turn her back on DF in a shop because when she came back he'd be chatting up six women at once. It's not normal behaviour, but it does happen sometimes and also he got worse (stopped caring / got more selfish perhaps?) as he got older so it became even more hurtful and more obvious that he was not just flirting but actually cheating. Looking back, I dont think he was ever faithful but she put a brave face on if she knew.

Reading through some of the replies reminds me that in human nature, anything is possible so if I were you, Bettinalove I would go with my gut reaction.
You are confiding in your DS at the weekend and chances are he will have also picked up on something odd about his father. This has been going on for 5 months, you say so not new but it isn't going away on its own.
Something should be done. DH must confront his delusions.

Bettinalove, do you have separate finances or a joint account? If the latter I would suggest you set up an account in your own name without delay, withdraw half the money in the joint account(s) and put it in your new account. This will give you independence and also help if your husband is subsequently diagnosed with dementia and unable to manage his affairs.

In your situation, I'd not worry about invasion of privacy, looking at the search history and messages, this involves you and I wish myself that I'd taken more notice of my now ex husband's obsessions over various women, and he did talk about them, he was open, I just thought no younger woman would be interested, until one day one was, she had a thing for older men, her previous husband had been a lot older. I started worrying when he did start taking his phone everywhere, putting it face down, panicking if he thought I might see it, and obsessively messaging/ringing/emailing.
If it's innocent then there will be nothing private discovered, if there is stuff discovered that is concerning you need to know
Almost the best thing that could happen really is that she contacted the police and told them of the harassment, he would get a stern warning.
Whatever is going on you need to know, when I knew there was something going on but not what, honestly it messed with my head so badly. For your own peace of mind you need to know so you can think what to do
Not sure how your son is going to approach looking at the computer/phone but if he will not let him use the computer at all or lend his phone that would be a warning sign . Are you able to go on it? If the phone and computer are linked to a google account you can see the history from both via the google account

The only time I have heard of this excessive behaviour was when a neighbours husband has start of dementia, it was awful for his wife,

I wouldn't think he is cheating, but it's common for people to keep talking about the person they fancy, even without meaning to.
A lot of times they don't even realise they're doing it.

Why do I think he might be ill mentally or physically ?
Because a man wanting to have an affair does NOT tell his wife, he is sneaky, he is hiding his obsession he is doing everything to stop you from knowing….but…. your husband isn’t …..hes talking to you about it, he’s asking your opinion, he’s telling you she may be pregnant, he’s sharing his annoyance when people are being entertained He’s not being devious or hiding his interest which is not normal

That is just not how cheating men act and believe me I ve had enough in my life

Totally agree with your post Bluebelle
There can only be two scenarios, he is either I'll or obsessed. Either way for everyone's sake including yours it has to stop.

Are gps around to discuss men fancying younger women?
I really think it is no more than that, in fact I think making an appointment to discuss it, worrying the woman is pregnant, and so on is more worrying than the husband eyeing up a vivacious younger woman.

This is a worrying situation and I think you should express your concerns to the GP. ? I think one emails drs these days. He /she will be aware if there is any medication that might be causing this.
Perhaps try to get him to talk about her as casually as possible as that might produce a further insight into his feelings.
Glad you are going to discuss it with your son.
Wishing you all the best.

H1954 I was also thinking along those lines.
I wonder if any of the male members of Gransnet are reading this. And if so, what are their views?

OP, I think from your later posts you are getting worried that there may be something between them, which is so unlikely. She’s replying to his messages so infrequently it’s obvious she’s trying to give him the brush off whilst still remaining polite. He sounds delusional and is fixating on her. I think speaking to your son and getting him to speak to your husband and suggest a doctors appointment may be a good idea.

I would definitely speak to the neighbour, she may be feeling quite concerned but not wanting to talk to you in case you don’t know. If you don’t want to do this alone then you could take your son or DIL with you. But if he’s being obsessive about her there may be more which you don’t know that sheds light on if this is an infatuation or potentially dementia or mental health related.

At the end of the day, as his partner it is your responsibility to step in if you think he’s ill or pestering her. He shouldn’t get the chance to “overstep the mark”! This is her home and she deserves to feel safe and not worry about some old creep staring at her.

H1954 yes. Unfortunately as women we need to not be "too nice" or polite to men just because we are brought up to be. They are not "better". In fact, they can get dangerously obsessed with a woman who is just a bit polite to them and their deluded mind can think "oh, she LIKES me".

I think documenting everything is the way ahead and involving the son. It maybe that one day he realises he was being an ASS or gets the treatment that he may need. He may resent the interference so having proof of WHY it was needed might pave the way to forgiveness. It might also pave the way to divorce from Unreasonable behaviour if the GP says it is not medically induced.

I will no doubt get shot down for this but here goes........he's not the first to have his head turned by a younger woman who sounds as though she is basically being neighbourly and the attention has gone to his head.
You state that she replies to around one in ten of his messages, that tells me she is just tolerating him and doesn't want to come across as unkind or dismissive.
Just ignore it all and let him carry on in his own sweet way, she will shut this down if he oversteps the mark.

Oh dear, yes Muffinthemoo. Don't worry, I am sure most neighbours would not bat an eyelid and most have their lives full enough, or keep busy enough to not be looking out of the window.

But I must admit, I do look up every time someone passes by but I'm easily distracted and my dog barks every time so it's hard to ignore even when I'm busy.