Would you be concerned?

Whether he flipped his lid or not it would be showtime as far as I'm concerned ! He's disrespecting you big time by behaving/ colluding in this way and as far as counting her as a friend - no way ! A friend wouldn't do that.

Tell him you are going out to place X but don’t go. See if you can catch him out if you think something nefarious is going on. Alternatively can you approach the husband and see what he 5inks of their behaviour. He must surely be concerned/upset with the comments and attitude he’s being shown.

cornishpatsy - I’m not always wondering what he’s up to or trying to catch him out. I’m quite independent and get on with my own interests etc as well as doing things together. It’s just occasionally that something pops up that makes me suspicious I suppose. He can be very loving but I daren’t criticise his behaviour or criticise his friends.

yes i would be very careful of the ff and ur hubby. i wouldn't care if he went mad or said u were paranoid i would tell him how disrespectful it all is. seems like there is more to this

sounds like you are being gaslit there by husband, accusing you of being unreasonable when you challenge his behaviour.
are you willing to live with that, if so, why ?
and what does it matter what the woman thinks of or about you.
don't live your life according to other people's reactions; what do they matter.
maybe you have got used to being under-valued.

Bashful I would say your Husband is having some sort of affair with this woman, maybe not physical but certainly emotionally. It is up to you what you want to do about it, you can either "put up and shut up" but that will only ruin your life, you can tell ( don't ask) him it stops now walk out of the room and never mention it again or you can get all of your ducks in a row and blindside him by walking out of the door and living a lovely peaceful life. Whatever you choose i hope you do the right thing by you.

Goodness me I think a lot of conclusions have been jumped to !!
Just tell him he’s out of order badmouthing his friend and you don’t want to go there anymore.
If he flips his lid, so what ?
“His capabilities as a husband “ ?? Do you mean his sexual performance? If the woman and your husband were discussing that it’s just plain weird.

Lucca - no it wasn’t his sexual performance. I could do as you say but and never go back but my husband wouldn’t agree to staying away from them, The other thing is that his male friend is a very kind, straightforward, loyal kind of a guy and why should he suffer?.

An extra “but” in there. Sorry.

You clearly lack trust. I think the question needs to be raised here specifically.

I can see my DH losing out big time here in terms of keeping my respect
Your DH and FF are showing you and her DH absolutely no respect. They know what they’re doing and think they’re fireproof.
The other male is very kind, straight forward, loyal. So he’s someone who can be trusted, who doesn’t gossip, who cares and is accountable. Everything your DH isn’t. Talk to your DH’s friend: he alone is the man to value here.

If the friendship is between your DH and the other husband it sounds like there is already something wrong there. Your DH is not being an honest friend. I'd say you don't want to do the couple meeting up anymore and suggest DH meets his friend without the wife. If he continues the friendship things are probably OK if he doesn't you could contact the other H and have a discussion with him. He may be aware of things you don't know about.

trisher - that’s the best suggestion, yes.

Why so fearful of tackling the subject with your own husband? If he kicks off [angry, defensive] you'll have more insight into the situation, who he is and if there is something to hide. So let him, so what. He and FF sound sly and the gossip is underhand and unkind. In front of you too - that's both of them treating you with no respect.

These aren't traits I admire or would put up with. Either get to the truth or face up to home truths about your marriage and the 'friendship' which to my mind oversteps boundaries. I think there is more to this than you think. You seem to be the cuckoo in the nest when H and FF are together...and his other behaviours seem odd and shifty...and you've noticed that.

[FF's H at his end should be doing some straight talking and telling her some home truths after being trashed behind his back].

Bashful what do you think would happen if you said you were no longer going to visit with these friends anymore? Do you yhink your husband would still go?

Eviebeanz - yes I would think he would still go. However, there are other aspects to the friendship with this couple that I like and I would miss that.
Taking everything into consideration though I just don’t think I could put up with my DH and FF silly, childish behaviour anymore.

I agree with you missingmarietta.

Take the sting out of any "kicking off" by starting the conversation with I expect you to kick off about this like you usually do but I'm going to say it anyway ...

Then say your piece (without any expectation of change). By the latter I mean you are not laying down the lay, just speaking your truth (as they say). I find there isn't much that people can do with it after that. They either lack insight and nothing changes, or they get the message.

Thanks fevertree. I’ve already done that though. His response was to stomp about and shout then when he had calmed down he related the story a different way and tried to blame the FF despite me being witness to it and knowing who said what and when. So…. then he changed his mind and said he couldn’t remember doing any of it and is sticking to that explanation.

So I think “Nothing changes,” appears to be the case.

Perhaps you could do some thinking and weigh up whether what you like and would miss about the 'friendship' is worth the other nonsense that comes with it.
Is DH like this around other female friends?

Personally I don't think I could get past the annoyance with husband and the woman to make it feel like a pleasant way to spend my free time. Over the past year or so I have come to appreciate the true value of that.

Eviebeanz, no he is not like that with other FF’s.

I notice you say in your op that "there is more to this story".

Yes, there is a lot more. FF is very pushy and over confident, you could say passive aggressive even.
My DH must have conversations with her that I am not party to as she often comes out with information about DH and my relationship that I feel is private and she will comment in public but in a sly manner. Up till now I have ignored it but if there is a next time I will call her out on it.