Problem with son

He's a 45 year old adult son and needs to take responsibility for his own requirements not expect you to be at his beck and call.
He is using you both as a crutch and this will not improve his mental health at all.
Disgusting behaviour speaking to his father like that.
I wouldn't do anymore for him.
There is no need to fall out but he needs to know this is not acceptable.

Your welcome Florencerosie.

Hope to see you posting on other subjects in the future
maybe?

Cornishpatsy,mokryna,Smileless 2012 and Namsnanny, thank you so much for your positive and kind comments.

Of course depression is difficult to deal with, as mrsHom says, so all we can do is try our best and take it day by day. We’ve invited him for dinner today.

That all sounds positive florencerosie, and I'm glad to hear it.
Nice to see situations on here where both parties are understanding and forgiving of each other.
Of course we're all allowed to vent now and again

That's good news Florencerosie I'm sure your OH will finish what he's started.

Great news!

Pleased that it has been resolved these situations can easily develop into to a rift with too much said to take back.

Namsnanny and FlexibleFriend, thank you for your opinions, very much appreciated. We’ve always been happy to help with DIY as you say at a mutually agreed time, like many of our friends do.
Our son rang last night and spoke to my OH and apologised and said he knows he was out of order, and would understand if OH doesn’t want to finish the decorating.
I think OH will finish it though......

I've always been happy to help my sons with decorating etc. as I enjoy it and they don't so having someone who knows what they're doing and happy to do it makes the time go quicker. Just as my sons often help me with moving plants in the garden or replacing fences cos I'm too feeble these days. That doesn't mean either of us demand when we go, we do it at a mutually agreed time just as your OH did. I don't blame him for being annoyed. He arrived on time ready and willing to work and the person he was doing the job for told him to go and come back later. No, why should he, your son is an adult and should organise his life like an adult not a 10 year old. I would have said what I thought and left and would return only when it suited me and at a mutually agreed time. If it happened again we'd be having some straight talking and I'd withhold my services until I was convinced my help was actually appreciated.

welbeck

quite a bit of drip-feeding going on, OP.
i see no sign of trolling in this thread.
you just disagree with what some posters write.
and choose to dismiss them by saying they are trolling.
i could suggest that you come across as self-important, but i would probably be accused of something.

Your opinion only.
I happen to hold the opposite view.

Florencerosie, I applaud you for supporting your son.

Obviously you know more about his needs than do I!

You did solicit ideas about your son's behaviour towards you.

The clinically depressed person who was my best friend expected the relationship to be equal . When he was hospitalised he expected his strengths to be recognised and respected by doctors and nurses.

quite a bit of drip-feeding going on, OP.
i see no sign of trolling in this thread.
you just disagree with what some posters write.
and choose to dismiss them by saying they are trolling.
i could suggest that you come across as self-important, but i would probably be accused of something.

Depression can impact on the sufferers physical well being Caleo and was certainly the case with my mum who lived with it for many years.

There’s a lot I could say to you Caleo but defending an accusation just validates it, so I won’t bother, other than to say my son is not physically fit, due to injury.

I'd withold help unless the man is obviously in need of your help. Painting and gardening are superficial and inappropriate for somebody who is physically fit, depressed or not.

Hello Smileless, mrsHom mokryna, thank you for your understanding and caring words. I’m so sorry mrs Hom to hear your son also suffers, and is so far away from you. It is ongoing and all you can do really is be there and be supportive. Yes they can be selfish, which is what we are experiencing now. Also thoughts with you mokryna that you also have AC that are going through depression.

Thank you for reminding me Smileless this is a nice site. It is with ladies like yourselves and others. ?

Thank you mrsHom for explaining depression in AC. It makes me realize I am not the only one trying to help my AC so far away and feeling so helpless.

I do not usually post on here for various reasons, but I feel I must try to offer some help to Florencerosie. My 45 year old son also suffers from depression although lives in America now and (hopefully, fingers and toes crossed) he is stable although unable to work. Living with a depressed person is extremely difficult and exasperating. They are self-centred and find it difficult to consider other people's feeling because they are locked away in their own misery. You make helpful suggestions, but these are always rejected - sometimes it seems as though the person doesn't want to get better. They can't organise their life but resent you helping them, sometimes out of feelings of guilt. All you can do is be a steady rock - someone they can rest on in the worst times - and forget any perceived injuries to yourself.
It's a full-time job caring for a depressed person. Whether you live with them or are caring from afar. It takes huge amounts of perseverance and mental strength to combat the negativity.
You are doing a good job looking after your son. Only you know what he needs from you. You are not being unreasonable in feeling used and exasperated - it's the nature of the illness that it affects those around the depressed person in this way - but you will get over that and carry on doing what you feel you need to do. Nobody who has not had experience of this situation can know what a strain it puts on you.
Remember, it's not personal. Depression is an illness and this is one of its faces.

You do well to help your son, but maybe he needs a little freedom and he wanted to be alone

If your son worked shifts it might explain why he didn't want his dad there earlier in the day but you would both already know this anyway. Son is being rude and ungrateful, give him a wide berth for a few weeks and let him get on with it.

He was busy, and you came, although he just asked to come later. I think it's worth giving him some personal time.

Oh GN is a nice site Florencerosie, don't be put off. I'm glad that you're finding some of the responses you've had helpful.

Unfortunately, assumptions are made for example about your OH using a key to enter your son's home, a mutually agreed arrangement. I agree that it's sad when parents are asked by an AC for their help, and are then accused of "over parenting".

I don't agree that the OP's son was pushed into anything Elaine. He could have accepted that a later time wasn't convenient to the OP's OH and that he wouldn't be going at all that day.

It was her son who agreed to 11.00 am and then changed his mind once he arrived.

Thank you Smileless, you and a few others seem to understand what I was saying.

Some others seem to be going off at a tangent about AC doing things themselves, don’t help them, how sad. For the record our son asked for our help. He works from home, so said let yourselves in, cos I won’t hear you in the back office. When he’s not working we always ring him first.

I thought this was a nice site but a few individuals seem to like the online trolling for the sake of it.

What happened there?

Pppppplpppl