My daughter, with 2 siblings living abroad, resents being my next of kin.

Change your next of kin to somebody else, see if your daughter changes towards you, she might heave a huge sigh of relief and become a changed person.
On the other hand her lack of caring might have nothing to do with her being next of kin. Her resentment towards her siblings might be due to something else entirely.
Have you tried chatting to her about it? As you say you are living somewhere that will offer nursing care as well if needed.
Maybe a POA would be the best way forward and it could include all of your ACs not just your ‘local’ child.

Why is she worrying about what might happen in the future? Has she always been a worrier?.....Usually though, we just cross that bridge when we come to it!

I don't think most cross that bridge when they come to it. I think some, including TTs daughter, may be a "look ahead and consider and prepare for all possibilities" sort of personality.

As things stand, it sounds as if your youngest daughter doesn't have to do anything other than visit you occasionally. Or do you have other expectations of her? Why is she worrying about what might happen in the future? Has she always been a worrier?
There is always an imbalance when it comes to care of elderly parents, depending on personal circumstances and geographic locations. Usually though, we just cross that bridge when we come to it!

Dear Tom thumb I don't understand why this has even come up because it sounds to me you are getting on very well without your children You have positioned yourself well just in case the worse happens so why are you even having this con ersation with them

Our children don't have to be responsible for us if they don't want to we must always remember that, yes it would be ni e of our children were kind and caring and Wanted to take care of us but in reality not all children want to and it sounds like you are unfortunate having an uncaring younger daughter, I know what that feels like my youngest has a heart of stone.

Sorry, tomthumb. Good luck and all the best with your offspring xx

But whoever had in the end given the help mum needed, resentment simply wouldn’t have come into it. Worry, yes, probably. Resentment, certainly not.

Baggs if only life were that simple.

In my family’s case it has been. None of us (5) lived near to our widowed and going blind mother. When the time came for her to want someone on hand the one nearest was the most suitable (partly at least because of tragedy in his life) and took on the role with absolutely no resentment. His tragedy turned out to be a blessing in disguise as far as parental care was concerned, for him as well as for our mother, and for the rest of us who weren’t in a position to offer the help Mum needed.

Baggs if only life were that simple.

Here, the youngest daughter has seen not just one but both of her siblings move away and (in her view) leave her with full responsibility (including no doubt worry) about their elderly parents. Tomthumb, I’m sure, would not be surprised that her youngest daughter would have a view in that.

The youngest daughter’s expectations were (quite reasonably) that each of the siblings would share caring responsibilities as and when they may arise.

And another alternative would simply to feel pleased that they’d got to where they wanted to go, careerwise for example.

BAGGS

strong views may be positive or negative.

An alternative of course may be “couldn’t care less” but where siblings are concerned that’s not so likely. Family matters have tendency to draw a spark out of most people even when unintended.

Please do not mediate between two adults, unless they ask for it.

I guess next of kin worries with getting stuck with decision making and care when you are not able to do so

Thanks for all your suggestions and ideas..... Next week, my son comes here from abroad, so we shall see how that changes the dynamics..... I shall let you now what happens.....

I understand what you are saying VANECAM It's just a shame the daughter let her resentment spoil the relationship with her mother. It's her siblings she has the issue with.
I would just put all this to one side Tomthumb and enjoy the visit of your older daughter. Once she has left, you could look at asking someone else to share NOK responsibility with your local daughter. I hope things are resolved for you soon.

So sorry to read this, you have future proofed your life by moving somewhere you could receive care if you needed it, I can't see why your daughter is concerned you might need her help. Sounds like you are very busy enjoying life.

I'm widowed too and have just downsized to a bungalow. I'm an older mother at 64, my adult children are 25 and 28, neither are house owners or parents yet. I've also future proofed by researching the local sheltered accommodation, as well as the nursing home, when I need them. My aunt looked after my Grandma with thinly disguised resentment, I never want my children to look after me.

I would be surprised if she didn’t have strong views about her siblings choice to move away. Who wouldn’t?

My siblings and I do not have strong views about the one who moved half way across the world. Why would we?

The youngest daughter is being heavily criticised and cruelly judged by some of the contributors here, and for what?

Thankfully Tomthumb is in good health and has organised her life to minimise the effects that old age may (or may not) bring and as yet it has not been necessary to call upon assistance etc from the youngest daughter or any other third party.

When the time comes for the youngest daughter to step up to the plate, that then may be an opportunity to judge - and who knows - she may become the best carer ever.

I would be surprised if she didn’t have strong views about her siblings choice to move away. Who wouldn’t?

Yes, I agree with others. Just do nothing for now, as nothing has changed. If...and when it does, then is the time to rethink.

Everything that mumofmadboys has said. And I feel that your youngest Daughter is just jealous and resentful that her siblings live abroad. (The grass is always greener for lots of people - even if they’ve the same opportunities to really change their lives but just don’t!). That’s the real problem….jealousy. She then chooses to see you as some future responsibility, a burden, a job she doesn’t want and that probably creates plenty of extra resentment towards her sibling/s and you’re also affected.

But looks like you’ve already taken the steps to have a good life and remain independent for as long as you can without relying on your children! Carry on being positive, enjoying your life and interests and friendships - don’t be sad and try to create happy families where others want something else. You’re bound to be hurt - and I can truly empathise with that - but concentrate on your life and have all the fun you can. Best keep away and not worry about selfish, jealous behaviour - your not the one who lives with that so let that be her loss. Someone else, a good friend maybe, for the present at least as next of kin or an emergency point of reference if needed, should be appointed. Then don’t give it another thought.
‘Her loss’ is what you should be thinking. I wish you lots of years of happiness ahead.

It looks as if a change of person for next-of-kin might be in order. Have you a close friend who might agree to it?

I’m sorry, you must feel very hurt. Try to enjoy the daughter that is staying with you whilst you can.

By next of kin, I assume you mean if anything were to happen to you, a fall, say, your youngest daughter would be the first point of contact as she is local and your other children live abroad?

She obviously resents this, feeling she has drawn the short straw, especially if you are not really close.

Just because she is nearest doesn’t necessarily mean she’s next of kin it can be anyone you like. As suggested it’s not up to you let them sort it out between them.

Sorry, I get it - the local daughter isn't happy.

I'm confused about which daughter is your next of kin, and resents it.

You can have anyone at all as next of kin, they don't have to be related to you.

I agree. You can’t make people be as you would wish them to be. It has taken me a very long time to accept this.
And you can choose whom ever you wish as next of kin though I do understand you are probably considering locality convenience.