Adult daughter with teenage daughter

I’m so sad. My granddaughter is getting married in 30 days and I’m not going. I just found out that my granddaughter hates me. Up until 10 days ago everything was fine. Apparently she has had these feelings toward me for the last year. Her hate from me is because I was instrumental in her going into rehab for drug abuse. She not only was using drugs but was also selling. It was a complete and total shock to the family. After her rehab she sent me a beautiful card and thanked me for saving her life. Now she says she was not addicted and didn’t need rehab and she has suffered PTSD from the events she witnessed at rehab and blames me. Now she’s upset because I know how she feels about me and I’m not going to the wedding. It has caused turmoil for the whole family. She’s also incredibly mean to her mother and she’s not going to the wedding either after planning for a year plus the expense. My granddaughter is upset with us because of the optics of family not being at the wedding. We are overcome with sadness. She is a master manipulator. I’m trying to find some type of peace knowing how she feels about me.

My dear Pa was always there for me and used to say "Oh dear that's a fine state of affairs" . He would listen rather than offer advice, but let me talk it over & I would come up with the way forward.

DM, on the other hand would give me a solution which, if I didn't comply follow, would result in: "Well, you should have done as I said"

For the time being just soak it up, she needs someone to confide in that’s not judgemental.

I have this issue too. I hate being stuck in the middle. They both think they are right but change their narrative to suit their side of the argument. I've only just told them I'm not doing it any more so not to expect me to side either way.

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One of my DGSs had terrible rows with both parents, notably his dad, my son. They live some distance away, so can't arrive on the doorstep. However, on some occasions, I'd get a phone call from DS in desperation asking me if I could talk his son down from the fury that seemed to possess him. Usually I could, because I was and still am the person to whom my DGS could talk without confrontation.I just listened and eventually he and his parents would again be on speaking terms. Yesterday he turned 16, went shopping with his dad and they had lunch together at a good restaurant. He is no longer the worst behaved boy in the school where he was regularly turfed out of classrooms and even suspended for short periods. Puberty is to blame for many problems with teenagers and I'm sure that this is a time that OP's GD will come out of sooner or later as a nice, normal human being. Hormones hit harder on some than on others - as they do with us at the time of the menopause.

Have you ever though of having your granddaughter over for a sleepover, eat pizza, watch a film, and listen and chat to her? It would give them a break from each other, and maybe she would talk to you about her problems. I have done this with my granddaughter several times.

The relationship these two women have is normal and will evolve and change as everyone grows older. Cherish what you have now, don't worry quite so much about something that you cannot change and just go with the flow a bit more.

Non-committal sympathetic noises might be the way to go.

I used to have this with a DD who was struggling with her partner. I made sure I did not take sides as they might finish up married - they did!

grandtanteJE65 I would certainly not encourage my DD to stop talking to me about her problems.

OP you are just her sounding board, she doesn't need you to fix anything she just needs someone to talk to. Loving your GD does not have to mean that you can't think she is being a pain to her Mum and feeling sorry for your DD.

I think you need to just listen, nod and Mmm and Ahh in all the right places, put the phone down, and be thankful you don't have to live with them fighting!!
You must not think that just because you are close to your GD and love her dearly she is free from being a bit of a pain in the bum, like we all were as teenagers.
Just be there for all your family but not to the detriment of your own mental health of course.

I don’t suppose you are able to fix this problem, Babushka, but just being a good listening ear for your daughter must be a comfort to her. Does her daughter know that she is telling you all her woes? That might be a problem with your relationship with your granddaughter.

When my eldest DGS was 15, he and his mum used to have terrible rows. She would ring me up in tears and then he would turn up on our doorstep, angry and upset. All I could do was listen to both sides and try to calm things down. I reassured DD that he was going through a difficult age and it would pass, and reminded DGS that his mum had his best interests at heart. Most of the time, though, I just listened. I don't know if it helped but things usually calmed down. By the time he was about 17, all the conflict had passed like it never happened. Now he is a lovely young man of 25 and very close to his mum.

My advice would be to listen sympathetically but don't take sides.

BabushkaSandi - Listen to them both - it might be difficult and stressful for you at times but if you can cope with that stress do so. Your daughter and granddaughter have you as their go-to person - be glad of that. Many people have nobody to air their everyday issues with and turn to people like myself for professional advice. Don't knock the relationship you have with them - the important thing is to let each of them know that you're there, that you wont break confidences if you're asked not to do that, and that if you're being asked for ideas about a solution to the current issues, you're open to helping out.

It's hard when you have teenagers around. My mother struggled to cope with me because I was very determined. She did admit to me many years later , that she thought my determination was a bad thing but that I needed all my determination to cope as well as I did with what life threw at me.
Given time all things don't look so bad with hindsight. Worry is not helpful to anyone.

Have you mentioned to your daughter that you feel caught in the middle between her and your granddaughter?

It would honestly be better if your daughter found another teenager's mum to moan to, as what we put up with or didn't from our teenagers is by no means the same as what today's parents consider acceptable or the reverse.

I take it you daughter is just off-loading onto you and not expecting you to tackle your granddaughter, but what about the girl, is she too confiding in you?

I would tell my daughter that loving both her and her daughter I would greatly prefer not to have to listen to the one complaining about the other.

I have no daughter, I have two sons and I am blessed with two
lovely dils..

so I don`t think I have your problem with family

I do however have this with friends,, mostly church friends, and a group that meets at the church, a mixture of church goers and non church goers..

and recognise this problem
I hate confrontations,, and at the moment steering off a possible one with a next doorneighbour,, I am thinking it is all in my imagination, practising living in the present moment, not worrying about tomorrow etc.

you think this is nothing like your problem? well I am seeing the fragility of so many people with this covid situation, left from the lockdowns etc..

so many people so fragile... and from being a person who really wants to help everyone else,, realising that I can`t , cos I am more fragile now..

and yes, I do see this as connected to your problem

learning that I have to step back, and leave people to sort their lives out themselves..

Yes, I'd say it's normal. If she can't moan to her mum about things, who can she moan to ?
I think you just need to listen and do as little as possible - unless your GD comes to you for help and advice and then you can really only try and get her to see it from both sides of the problem, without telling her what to do, letting her decide for herself as adults should do.

Yes, it’s normal, and will pass. Just keep on doing what you’re doing. When your conversations are over, and it’s just you again, breathe a sigh of relief, and be thankful those days are over for you and your daughter!

Does it help to know this is quite normal? I get quite exasperated with one of mine in particular and my Mum always tries to make excuses for them. I remember a similar scenario playing out with my Mum, me and my Granny - so! Just don't take it to heart and it will all pass
Just listen

I think your right, it would Hithere Big but though, it takes time to change!

OP

Would it help if you realized there is nothing you can do to fix the relationship?

I think it's incredible that both your granddaughter and daughter trust you and know they have your support. They know you won't interfere and meddle. I think they are incredibly lucky to have you. I don't think I've helped though x

Yes I think this is a common problem I certainly relate to it

The fact that your daughter wants your help and is opening up to you is good that she’s got someone to talk to you, you don’t have to be any different with your granddaughter just accept that she will be different with you than her mum and not give you the problems she does her mum

Teenagers are notoriously difficult to handle (I m often in tears over mine) but they are as adorable as well as awful ?
You just have to soak it up I m afraid and be there for both and try and balance it up with nice things to do in your own life
Not much help I know but you’re definitely not alone