Daughter’s fiancé has been secretly gambling and in thousands of debt now

No addict, whatever they are addicted to, breaks the habit, unless she or he genuinely wants to break it.

This is the first condition, but sadly, it is not enough, as an addict who is trying to break the habit needs help and support.

Sadly, the addict's nearest and dearest may be the last people he or she wants to listen to or be helped by.

The road out of addiction is long and hard with many relapses and pitfalls .

I would question whether growing up in this kind of a home could possibly be in any child's best interest, but of course, your daughter may not be asking for your advice on the subject.

But the answer to your question is yes, addicts can break the habit, but it can take years and many quarrels and ups and downs.

NanaDana, the thread was resurrected purely for spam purposes. It happens frequently on GN.

Just realised this is a resurrected thread from Sep '21. Why do people do this? If you want to discuss gambling addiction, for goodness sake start a new thread.

Such a very stressful situation 123gran, and you're right not to "badmouth" the fiance, as this could have exactly the opposite effect to the one you hope for, and actually encourage your daughter to go on the defensive on his behalf. Addiction of any sort is so very difficult to counter, as the addict will lie, deny, steal.. do virtually anything to support the addiction, and their victims are usually close family or partners. They can also be so very convincing. Some addicts do recover and manage to live relatively normal lives, but the temptation is always there, and relapses are common. Your daughter will have to make her own mind up about the longer term future of this relationship, but as for the short term I pray that she will at the very least come to the conclusion that she should delay the marriage until he is confirmed to be undergoing therapy, and there is a measurable and prolonged change in his behaviour. There are some practical safeguards which she should put in place immediately. She should ensure that he has no access to her assets, and close down any shared bank accounts or credit cards. Also if she has any small, high value items, e.g. jewellery, she should consider giving them to you for safekeeping. An addict will resort to virtually any means of raising funds. So very sorry that you are going through this.

The problem is, some only read the last posting, not realising the thread isn’t current.
Why do spammers and the like pick old threads, not current ones?

Shinamae When old threads are resurrected it is usually by spammers or trolls (as with this thread) and the resurrected thread is very out of date, as this one is.

To post to this effect is to let people know that this is a dated thread and if you want to discuss this issue, it might be better to start a new thread.

Well. Decisions presumably been made by now, for better or worse 🤔 whatever the advice.
Be nice to know tho.

Just to say I agree with other GNs here.
IMO a delay or cancellation of the marriage is vital. If it were my daughter, I think I'd have to say something about my feelings on this matter, albeit very carefully and diplomatically. (Even if she is a "mature" woman.) Fingers crossed for the future of your DD & DGD.

Hithere

Your daughter should attend a meeting of gamblers anon or similar to open her eyes to reality.

I hope rationality wins over her heart

good solid advise.. she may gain an understanding of what her future would involve

Sorry crossed post.

Well dear reader, as this thread is 18 months old wss there a happy ending??

So 18 months on... did she have the sense to postpone the wedding? And more importantly not sell her house and take out a joint mortgage with him?
Let's hope he had help for his addiction and things have improved.

Germanshepherdsmum

It was the spam message which was reported, not the thread.

Okay, thank you

Thank you GSM*. !!

It was the spam message which was reported, not the thread.

Marydoll

Reported. This is an old thread which has been resurrected.

I really don’t understand the need to report a resurrected thread? 🤷‍♀️

Reported. This is an old thread which has been resurrected.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I would say run for the hills. Gamblers will lie, cheat and take your last penny. They rely on that Adrenalin high that comes just before they know whether they’ve won or lost, if they win they lose it all again, usually within minutes, if they lose, maybe next time. They will get you to sign your life's work away. You think you can change them, that love conquers everything, but no one will replace the gamblers true love, gambling. Whatever she does, I would beseech your d not to get married, have nothing in both names, be totally independent of him because he will have the lot. Family and friends, nothing is more than betting to them. The devastation they cause to families is truly horrendous, something that’s hard to ever get over.

My DD’s ex husband was a gambler. He’d go out at around 10 most evenings and play cards. He’d return home about 5 in the morning and then not want to go to work. He was his own boss so there wasn’t anyone to threaten him with the sack if he didn’t turn up. When my DD would get upset over it he’d say he could get more money playing cards than doing his job. She ended up paying his workmen’s wages out of her money when he didn’t have it himself to pay them. This marriage lasted 15 months. She said afterwards that she knew he gambled before they married but she thought he’d be different when they were a family with children. Meanwhile I’d spent my entire savings paying for their wedding. I am pleased she had the courage to leave though.

her financial situation will be affected if she marries him.

He will only change when he wants to, so that could be decades. I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry him, but understand that’s not enforceable. She could be in for a rough ride if she stays with him married or not, but at least her finances are safe if they’re separate from his.

I wish you all the best.

Sorry overlap there between deletion and me posting.

Esikenang

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I don’t believe that Esikenang, not for a minute. Gambling is a mug’s game and the only winner is the bookie, the casino or whoever you chose to give your money to.
Sometimes you win, yes, but overall you lose.

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