Matriarch

Matriarch can be construed as female dominance over others, just like patriarchy which is male dominancy.
I would not necessarily take this as a compliment and would agree with responses suggested.
This doesn’t mean a fall out but your husband thinks you are too involved and should hold back, and he is probably right.
This grandparent business isn’t always easy and often means walking on the occasional eggshell, ouch!

One of mine says I am lovely and always asks my advice.I never feel at ease with the other one as she is very touchy. She has often taken offence over small things and once held a grudge for 2 years refusing to speak to another family member who had innocently said the wrong thing.

So many ways those comments could have been understood, so I'm not sure you'll ever get to the real meaning behind them.

Maybe try not to beat yourself up about it too much. You sound lovely and reflective and as others have said, a gentle step back sounds like a good idea.

The only thing I wondered is do you see yourself as the head of the family, and are acting in that way?

OP

You care for everybody around you (dh, mother, gc, etc)

What else do you do, just for yourself?

How do you see yourself as a person?

What is going to happen when the gc grow up and you are not needed for childcare?

Your sons and dils should be less reliant on you and self organize better.

Lots of parents do not have days off or organize themselves to give each other a break.

Chris4159 my heart bleeds for you. How hurtful and unkind.
Words can never be taken back and they leave unseen wounds inside. How can you possibly be your natural self around these people now knowing how they feel. I would decline any invites, cut back on childcare and not have enough money to help them out in the future. As others have said catch up with old friends, take up new hobbies that involve other people. If you have great organising skills, try WI or your local church very often they hold lunch clubs for the elderly and of course there is always volunteering. I hope you are not feeling too bad about yourself and that your not to upset either.

I think your post is unfair Elizabeth. You're saying that you're not saying it is the case, but suggesting that giving financial help and helping with childcare may have strings attached ie will be withdrawn if Chris isn't involved in other ways.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't springs to mind.

In your post you stated that you help financially and with childcare. Do you have the opinion that because you do that they should let you tag along or maybe do they feel that they cannot say no incase you withdraw help with childcare.

I am not saying it is the case here but there are some on this forum that seem to think helping financially or with childcare gives them the right to interfere with the childrens lives and feeling hard done by if not included in everything. I feel time and money should be given without strings.

A matriarch is a complement the bastion of the family always there in a crisis and can be called on to help. If your husband is ill and you have your mother it sounds as if you have had to be.
Your sons probably still view you like this and inadvertently make comments like "mum will help, "and maybe the wives are feeling a bit insecure. I think we all are worried about what the inlaws think of us when we are first married and have children.
Back off a bit put yourself first and don't always be available. Ask if your childminding is really needed and after Covid find some daytime activities so you are not always available.
When you go on family outings do you do a lot of the child care?
You will miss the grandchildren but find an excuse to decline and see how they cope on their own.
It sounds to me as if you have been a lovely mother, partner and daughter give yourself a break and let the families find out for themselves.

My impression was all 3 DILs had said that they found OP intimidating and a matriarch (see OP)? If so, I'd be self-reflecting but try not to jump to conclusions. It might be something very small, like you are so organised and competent they find that hard to deal with. Or maybe you are a little overbearing? Are you hard to say no to? My mother sometimes thinks she's being helpful but sometimes she steamrolls people and doesn't let them say no, even though they actually don't want the help. They feel bulldozed and don't like what she did, but she feels like she was so helpful. They obviously can't have too big a problem given they let you care for their children and be involved.

If there are three DILs then there at least three other families in the picture. Maybe OP you’ve only been seeing one as the family.

It’s just a thought. Perhaps they’d like their families to be more involved and you’ve been monopolising a bit?

Usually it’s the grandparents on the sons side that feel left out and that it’s the DILs family that is most involved, but I have seen it too with the mother’s of sons where the brothers get on well and the wives just become absorbed into the family.

Matriarch doesn’t mean you’re bossy or domineering, but maybe that by being constantly involved you’ve squeezed others out?

Chris you sound like such a lovely person, one of life’s givers, trying to be everything to everyone.
You must have felt quite hurt to find that not everyone in the family felt the same closeness that you feel.
It could be that you are a bit too full on or it could just be that the particular daughter-in-law lacks self esteem and feels intimidated by a more capable and confident mother-in-law.
You sound like a very self aware lady and I’m sure you’ll sort things out without any upset, just a little adjustment.
As others have said, and there have been lots of wise words, take a little bit of a life of your own, friends, hobbies and closeness to your husband.

It's a shock sometimes to realise people don't see us as we think they do. We only have a daughter. I thought we were close. It was a shock a few years ago when I realised that she thought differently. She began leaving me out, going out with her friends and their mums but not inviting me. I've never been pushy or given advice unless asked. We've helped in all sorts of ways. I don't know what we t wrong really.

Also there are three daughters-in-law, but you only mention that one has made a comment. Are the other two quite happy with your level of involvement and relationships with them? If so don't let this revelation spoil that for the rest of you.

I always wished that our parents had wanted to be more involved with our children. I can literally count on the fingers of one hand how often they babysat for us over the years ?

Chris I don't think it sounds all that bad, especially as you seem very nice after reading your comments through.

You actually do a lot to help out so I am not surprised you might be seen as head of the family. Intimidating could mean anything. Like you are a strong, confident character.

I would do as others suggest and back off a little bit, stop trying to take care of everyone and well protect the herd.

Making time and plans for you more often would definitely be a good start because it honestly sounds like you need that anyway!

I would say stop helping with money! It must be pretty vexing for an in law to hear that instead of sorting out money issues the answer is to ‘ask mum’! You may well need that money in the future for yourself.

Chris4159, I think you are a remarkable lady. Few women hearing what you did, would have acted so thoughtfully, or have responded so well to our comments.

With an invalid husband and frail mother I can see how the youth and enthusiasm of young families and children offer you an uplift and breathing space from domestic responsibilities. but as you recognise this can end up with you appearing to be a burden, when you are anything but.

So gently return to your old friends and find ways to make new ones.

Go by your gut instinct by backing off gently and saying nothing. You know you can do that as your families happiness is everything to you. You’ve proved that by helping all you can.

You have an ill husband and an older mum to look after and you still work part time. That’s a lot of caring.Turn your thoughts to what you would like to do for a bit of me time now.

It’ll be difficult at first but keep trying and I hope you find something that you enjoy.

You sound a lovely caring gran mum and mum in law.
I’m sure you are loved . You deserve to be.

I agree with you Luckygirl.

Your d's.i.l., your sons and your GC benefit from the active role you have in their lives Chris and surely, if your d's.i.l. felt you are over involved, you wouldn't be included in family outings.

Rather than seeing yourself as tagging along, you should see yourself as a welcome addition to these activities which IMO you are, or you wouldn't be asked.

Perhaps you H is a little jealous and wants you to spend more time as a couple. You could decline some of the invitations for family outings, but I'd be careful about being less available for childcare in case they begin to feel that you have an issue with them.

Everyone has given such wise advice as always. The only thing I would add is about the ‘tagging along’. You say your husband has medical problems so perhaps it is just you going out with children and grandchildren which sounds a bit awkward to me, generation-wise. Much as I love them, and they me, I wouldn’t dream of tagging along with my son and daughter in law when they go out unless specifically asked. Perhaps you can get your husband out and about a bit more as sitting in front of the tv all day is terribly bad for anyone. You sound like a nice person and I’m sure this will all blow over if you just back off a little.

I posted the above before I read the last few comments, might not make much sense now I realise.

Chris "Well done, you" for taking it all on board and making plans to adapt. The family are lucky to have you!

When you go out as a ‘large family group’, does your DH go as well, or is it just you?

Sounds as though you are constantly with them or involved with them, one way or another. They probably really want you on their terms, i.e. childminding, school runs etc when it suits, but don’t necessarily want you on other activities as well, at least, not so often.

Perhaps they have mentioned this to your husband, and he is trying to drop hints for you to back off a bit?

As others have said, maybe don’t be so ‘available’.

However I do not try to be a spare part should read I DO try not to be a spare part....

I also think "matriarch" is a compliment , "intimidating " is not !
I have a suspicion your sons, unwittingly ,may have thrown in the odd comment on the lines of " I'll ask Mum" or "Mum thinks ..."
Could that be possible ?

I think you are correct Chris in recognizing that " I need to play this out gently without making it an issue' You sound sensible lady , if you discuss this too much with your DILs it may become an issue. I think if you simply back off quietly you will retain a sound relationship with them. They will recognize and appreciate your awareness. Carve out new interests for yourself , swim , join a walking group? It seems to me you simply want to help your sons and their families,- I get that . You have received the message now so I am sure you will act accordingly and maintain a loving relationship with your family. Don't beat yourself up about this , you have meant well . I wish you well.