Difficult sister-in-law

Ooh I've had the rude guests. They weren't invited back. But then they weren't family when it gets more difficult. Remember it's your home, your rules. Prepare your ammunition beforehand and deliver it with a smile pinned on your face! Remember you are not inferior to anyone. Our lives just go in different directions. She was probably your DH's bossy sister in childhood and hasn't grown up yet.

I posted on the last thread about in laws. I wouldn’t have my sister in law to stay but I think your case is different as yours has some good points. Just try to think of her as the family eccentric or Aunt March from Little Women. Good luck !

This SiL - does she have children/grandchildren of her own ?
I have noticed that many childless women have become instant experts on everything to do with childcare!
So, your SiL has a lot of crafting hobbies that appear technical - well maybe while you are spending time with your lovely children and grandchildren, she has the time to craft.
Don't ever feel subordinate to her. We all have our place in the world and all contribute in some way. We are all valued.
If she criticises the food you prepare, just quietly say that you are quite happy with the menu, thank you, but the kitchen is there for her to use at any time !

Some people are very clever, maybe talented in some amazing spheres and others are talented in loving, caring and homeliness. You are the latter, your sister in law is probably not someone who can make a loving home. Revel in that knowledge and the fact that you have wonderful grandchildren who can enjoy being in your house. Does she? She's probably envious of you. Never, ever feel inadequate to someone so uncaring, which she is because she does not care about your feelings.

I hope your sil is not staying too long with you. I don't have any advice for you apart from just grin and bear it then forget about it. I have a friend who is a bit like that . She has just been diagnosed with Autism at 56. It explains a lot about her annoying behaviour. Maybe your Sil is like my friend.

I wouldn't be having them to stay, nor seeing them at all, given how things are between you. As I've got older, (and been diagnosed with numerous illnesses I live well with), I have definitely embraced ditching problematic people, be they friends or relatives. Life is too short and I want my life to be fun, (plus for health I require it to be as stress free as possible), so I would not endure this kind of behaviour from anyone I encounter.

I don't think "just how she is" excuses rudeness.

I've found ignoring what they are saying and just rolling ny eyes helps.

so if she says the GC should be drawing at the table not on the floor, can you say, no it's fine, we don't mind, it's what they always do here and at home too.
don't let her intimidate you.
it's your house, not hers, and your GC, not hers.
so just try to make that point to her, as she seems to have forgotten it.
nor would i say someone is a fussy eater. but if eg she says oh it's not real coffee, just say no we prefer instant.
so assert yourself, don't apologise or grovel.
she's come to stay; she can't expect to have everything the same as she would at her house.

foxie you sound very gracious, I should take a leaf out of your book.

BlueBelle, we had the same coffee scenario, but in our case it was our ‘builder’s’ tea versus her preferred green tea. ?

I will take all the reassuring comments on board, thanks. It sounds like there are a lot of pita SiLs around.

And yes, DH is a bit wet when it comes to backing me up. I’ve asked him to do the cooking as well.
Fingers crossed.

I always think that when there are visitors and the adults are lingering at the table, as you do, it's perfectly acceptable for the children to get down and quietly go and amuse themselves. Nothing you've said makes the children sound badly behaved at all.

If she makes any criticisms this time, I'd laugh it off and point out she's known you long enough by now to know how you live and you couldn't possibly aspire to her higher standards.
Please don't let her make you feel inadequate. People with true class never do that to anyone else.

I’m feeling sorry for the sister-in-law. She obviously doesn’t realise that you dislike her.

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. My SIL can be a pita but basically she's a good person, she's a real "know all" rather right wing and has married into pots of old money, which has gone to her head a bit. I don't spend lots of time with her but IMHO it costs me nothing to deal with her kindly and ignore anything that is potentially annoying or rude. I focus on her good points (and she has plenty) and just quietly ignore the more irritating aspects of her personality. It's what I suspect she does with me too and we rub along just fine. When OH and I are on our own, following a visit, we have a bit of a giggle. I'm actually very fond of her, she's part of my family and I'm part of hers.

From my own experience -
Before SiL comes I strongly recommend you handwrite her a draft letter in which you give her both barrels! Include some swear words you know but are normally too ladylike to use. It's very cathartic. Just make sure you tear it up into tiny pieces before anyone else sees it!!

I'd honestly ignore her. What was it Buddah said, something like "if I decline to accept your gift, who does it belong to?"

If you don't accept her criticism, it belongs to her not you

Your sister-in -law sounds frankly ill-bred to criticize her hostess in her own home.
Is your husband still in awe of the bossy older sister, that he doesn't support you?
Sounds as though she is desperately attempting to intimidate you, and is actually rather inadequate.

The sort of person who has 'lots of skilled hobbies' and makes sure you know it makes me want to run a mile. They are usually attempting to prove something; not sure what.

When they say 'and I made all these myself' the only response that comes to mind is: why?

Your dh invited his sister- he can do everything for her to make sure he meets her high standards.
You are off the hook.

As for inviting your gc, I wouldnt stop it from happening just because sil cannot behave.
Call her out, she and her husband can go to dinner outside - i wouldn't modify my routine because my guests do not know how to behave

Just try to let it go if it’s not that often, knowing me I would probably challenge a comment, but that wouldn’t help long term. Try to think PITA is it again. Won’t last long.

Smileless2012

" a bit wet" indeed Lucca.

Is one allowed to say that ?!

" a bit wet" indeed Lucca.

Smileless2012

I don't agree with your H that you should let her comments go over your head anxiousgran, you should deal with each comment as it's given, you can do so politely and TBH your H should do the same.

I understand that she's his sister and they're close, but it sounds as if his sister is disrespecting you in your own home and he shouldn't allow that to happen.

Agree. Frankly I think husband is being a bit wet! He should tell her not to be rude to you.

Why doesn’t he cook when she’s visiting so you don’t get the flak !?

I don't agree with your H that you should let her comments go over your head anxiousgran, you should deal with each comment as it's given, you can do so politely and TBH your H should do the same.

I understand that she's his sister and they're close, but it sounds as if his sister is disrespecting you in your own home and he shouldn't allow that to happen.

I have a sister in law similar Shes not an awful lady she and my brother in law are well off but quite generous and definitely not nasty people but they have no idea that sometimes what they say can feel hurtful to someone not so well off and they do come across as snobs
A couple of years ago they were staying with friends in my area they d never been this way before and said they d call and take me out to lunch which was a lovely thought They called at my house and of course I offered them a coffee before we set off my sister in law asked me what type of coffee I had, I told her (whatever it was ) Nescafé or whatever and the answer I got was no thank you if you haven’t got percolated I d rather not have any at all.
Ouch!! Then in conversation they said how lovely the area I was I said Well there’s always a bed made up anytime you would like to come back, the answer Thank you but we prefer something more luxurious’
Why couldn’t they just have said ‘thanks’ then just never took my offer up
It hurt…. my house isn’t anything bad it really isn’t

discodancer, they come every year about this time, and we visit them every summer.
DH and she are very close. They live a couple of hundred miles away.
Thanks for your supportive comments. I’m a very polite person and I couldn’t be rude to a guest. DH says just let it go, it’s just how she is.
DS wants to see her, he likes his auntie.
She does have grandchildren. In fact now I come to think of it, she has stopped her four grandchildren from all visiting her at once, as they fight all the time!

Maybe some upfront short sentences

It is good we are all different isn't it.
Or
Let's agree to disagree
Or
Whilst I am in awe of your many talents, do not diss me or mine in my own home.
Or
The world must be great at the moment in your eyes, because if your only concern is my grandchildren, that's amazing.