Difficult sister-in-law

Everyone on here has given you excellent advice. You are the kind and caring type. Certain personalities like hers look to critique others as they dint want to look at their own flaws.
I have a sil like her and he is quite difficult to be around.

Have you tried saying something? She is probably taking your lack of correction as agreement with what she is saying and as an invitation to keep sharing her opinions.

I know you are trying to keep the peace, but it's clearly not making you happy and perhaps it's time to be a little more forthright yourself? Good luck

IF Something hurts just cos it shouldn't doesn't make it better. it can help to think of things you Co ld say to daft things she says. You proba ly won't think of what to say at the time but maybe you could say, you know I've been thinking about what you saw I'd about sticker books. I remember being worried about them when mine were little but a teacher said not to worry, some don't like stickers but for those who do they can be very helpful with coordination and fine motor skills and shape recognition and planning patterns and suchlike. Has there been any research since that says its not true or is the glue poisonous, can we chat about what the problems are? And you can show me the research.
Or just, that's interesting, why do you say that
Non gourmet food, well if you eat it all the time it's not special when you go out for a meal I always think. But maybe you'd like to show us some delicious recipes, just let me know what you need another time and we will get you all the ingredients and you can show us how it's done. What about x, I always enjoy that when we go out or have never tried y, I'd love it if you could do it for us.
The children on the floor, hmm I love to see them so happy doing their crafting, I love to encourage them to be creative and if they need more space on the floor and it's comfier for them they are going to enjoy it more.
Are they in your way, if so we can have them move so they're not. We're you planning to show them some of your crafting we can ask them if they'd like to watch you doing it at the table

Or just could you pass the biscuits please, I really fancy one. Can I get you another drink?

The thing is if you drink only ground coffee, like us, instant coffee tastes really vile! Especially, if like me you don't put milk or sugar in it. But I have often drunk it without saying anything because sometimes people's feelings are more important than one's own tastes. I too have an "outspoken" SiL.Her mother was the same. I learned how to cope with it, especially as my MiL lived with us for 16 years.

I actually feel sorry for your sister in law, she obviously knows she has not got what you have a loving close family. She is trying to make herself superior with constant critical comments. She is waiting for you to rise to her jibes. Ignore her difficult as it is in time she will hopefully realise she is getting nowhere and stop.
I would also tell your husband what you think her game is and that you can see through it and will not be reacting.
Keep to your own kind ways and just keep smiling. There is nothing worse than not getting a reaction to your actions.

She is not Superwoman - she is a sad, entitled, rude, and probably envious person. It is bad form to criticise people in their own house... does she realise that? If not, do make her aware of it.

Live your life your way, do what you always do, allow the grandchildren to be who they are and appropriate for their age group. If she doesn't like it she can leave, don't apologise or feel inadequate or guilty in any way. If all else fails a spot of sarcasm along the lines of the fact that it must take a lot of effort to be perfect and that you can't be bothered.

After my SIL used to stay with us I could hear her voice for days afterwards. I eventually cut her out of my life for a couple of years but , as they live in OZ and are getting too old to travel , last time they visited the UK I allowed some contact but never was warm to her or her husband . I have things I really wish I had said to her when I knew I was right and she tried to correct me how I wish I had put her straight.

i wouldn’t stop inviting SiL, she can be good company and she and DH are close. She’s always kind when we go to visit her, and she’s always keen we should

She can’t be that bad !

I can't understand those of you who are saying basically these SiLs are good people.NO THEY ARE NOT. Good people don't put others down to make themselves feel better. They are only 'good people's when it suits them and on their terms. You need a very frank talk with your husband about his sister's appalling rudeness and say if he doesn't sort her out you are not happy to welcome her into your home. Anyone can switch the charm on when it suits them. IMO she is not a nice person, you are the nice one and my blood boils that this person is so illbred, rude and cruel. Rant over.

I think you sound like a very nice and caring person but do not take too much notice of her, please. You have a loving family around you which is a treasure in itself. I also have a loving family but being not so forbearing would tend to exaggerate any ‘shortcomings’, real or not, perceived by another. ‘I really am a TERRIBLE cook-I can’t be bothered as I’m not terribly interested in what I eat’ (that much is true, I’m not interested but I’m told I’m a decent cook). ‘Hobbies? I’d rather watch TV- LOVE reality shows’ (I don’t). Grandchildren? ‘They’re only young once, let them have fun and do what they like. And fast food is finger food, right? so no need for all those boring table manners!’ Problem is, your DH might think you’ve gone a bit bonkers unless he wants to join in with the fun! Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission!

in an ideal world ,families should be a safe haven from the slings and arrows..in reality they can be the worst ship ever sailed.

BlueBelle

I have a sister in law similar Shes not an awful lady she and my brother in law are well off but quite generous and definitely not nasty people but they have no idea that sometimes what they say can feel hurtful to someone not so well off and they do come across as snobs
A couple of years ago they were staying with friends in my area they d never been this way before and said they d call and take me out to lunch which was a lovely thought They called at my house and of course I offered them a coffee before we set off my sister in law asked me what type of coffee I had, I told her (whatever it was ) Nescafé or whatever and the answer I got was no thank you if you haven’t got percolated I d rather not have any at all.
Ouch!! Then in conversation they said how lovely the area I was I said Well there’s always a bed made up anytime you would like to come back, the answer Thank you but we prefer something more luxurious’
Why couldn’t they just have said ‘thanks’ then just never took my offer up
It hurt…. my house isn’t anything bad it really isn’t

Oh BlueBelle that's awful, however did you hold your tongue! They may be very nice people in other ways, but how can they not realise how rude and hurtful their comments are?

Years ago I had an aunt like that. My Mum ignored her forthright remarks and criticisms to avoid conflict. But as I got older it really irritated me and on one occasion I told her she was rude and ungrateful. My Mum told me off! My aunt said she would not be visiting again as I was such an undisciplined child (I was 14 I think), and she never did. My Mum never let me forget it.

Lots of good tips already. I would just ask though if you think she means to be rude? We have a relative who winds many of the family up at times, but we also know she doesn’t mean to be unkind- her filter is a bit lacking and she speaks without thinking. Occasionally she does catch herself (not often!) and acknowledges that something came out wrong but she has many good points too, so most people tend to overlook her less welcome comments. I think the best advice here is that only you can allow someone else to make you feel inadequate. It sounds to me like you are happy with your life as it is, so just try to shrug off anything you see as an attack but gently indicate the comment was uncomfortable (eg I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy dinner, I always enjoy your food and wouldn’t like to feel a guest hasn’t enjoyed mine. Would you prefer to bring something for yourself next time? The suggestion being that everyone else is happy). Hopefully a little shift on each side will lead to greater harmony, which I think is the aim given the siblings are close.

No one absolutely no one would be allowed (by me) to treat me in this way in my own home and if they did they wouldn't get a second chance If they criticised DGC they would be straight out the door My husband wouldn't tolerate this either Tell her her opinions are neither sought nor appreciated

I'd use the Mumsnet classic response, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'

My SIL is exactly the same. Visited me at the field where I keep my ponies and refused coffee because it was instant! I wish I didn't let it bother me but it does so I totally understand where OP is coming from.

I would just go stay at hers and luxuriate in her wonderful house,cooking, etc and treat it like a holiday.
I woukd not have her to stay,meet up on natural ground l say.
I certainly would not stop my grandchildren coming round and sorry l would not have her making comments about them,l would have to say something!

I do like this reply, Foxie. We can't just sever family ties willy nilly. Tolerance is vital - and having a giggle after a rocky visit, is the perfect balm.

I totaly agree with Baggs.

Your SiL probably doesn't know she is doing it.
I was once told by a friend that I was intimidating because I was so efficient. I had just never seen it myself and now try to just relax when I am at other people's houses and not try to do everything although it is hard not to do their washing up as we go along especially at my DC's homes.

Best advice I ever got from fellow grans netters was to stop Sil from visiting our home.
You are clearly a lovely, warm, welcoming person.
It’s your home remember that.
Let your husband visit her in future.
Life is too short. Enjoy yourself with your grand children

Says things like “My feelings are hurt when you say that!” Or “I think the children are fine!” You don’t have to tolerate snide comments. Even “you make me feel inadequate” which is what someone once said to me. Because I cook! I remember my own daughter complaining about her grandfather’s “teasing” and I said, in front of him, “that’s very unkind, isn’t it!” He took the hint. You don’t have to be rude but you’re not a doormat

I have a friend who always brings her green tea bags with her - I do the same with de- caf coffee as not everyone has it. It seems the sensible thing to do.

Your house, your rules and no one should make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. She should be grateful that you invite her to stay and if she complains about the food tell her to book a restaurant for the rest of her stay.