How to convince son how much he is loved

This is so hard.
They say you should always treat your children the same but that doesn’t take into account their different personalities and how you interact with that.

My difficult child was my first. My second was so easy by comparison.

I love them both the same and would die for either.

Over the years I think I have convinced them I love them both equally. My DD, my first, has been the hardest to convince and it has been hard work but there is still a slight resentment when I visit my DS. This is not helped by the fact that he has children and my DD has not.

I am not sure what the solution is but I want you to know you are not alone.

Perhaps you shouldn't mention her too much in your conversations with him? Also, if it is within your finances and physical ability perhaps try to visit him on a regular(ish) basis. I had this problem differently in that one son thought the other was my husband's favourite. I new this was completely untrue and that my H was completely oblivious to this. I did enlighten H and when he asked me what's could do to correct this I suggested they had some time away alone together. Terrific success and, as fate would have it, my H died very unexpectedly not long after. Divine intervention indeed.

The issue here is not the love for him, it is the preference for your daughter over him.

How can it be addressed? Without more background, it is hard to say
Decades of background history are missing here

if he phones you then don't mention his sister just chat to him.

I agree with Kim Skydancer, when you're talking to your son try not to mention his sister.

It's his perceived preference for your D that's the issue here, not that she is preferred. Find things to talk about that don't involve her. Don't say what you've been doing together, if she's popped in or you've popped round there. There must be other things you can chat about that wont require you mentioning his sister.

Keep telling him how much you love him and wish you could see him more often. Bless him, he's a middle aged man but he's your boy and our hearts never stop aching for them do they.

You say 'when he calls'. Do you call him Skydancer? I think if my daughter was present in my day to day life but my son wasn't I would call my son daily, or very frequently too. If I thought he was insecure I would take every chance I could to tell him how much I loved him and show him that by my actions.

You say, 'I can hear the resentment in his voice whenever she is mentioned.' So he calls you and you talk about her. I can see how he might feel resentful when you see her all the time, he has to call you and then you talk about her.

You say 'I don't know what to do to convince him that I love them both the same.' Do you tell him that you love him? I mean really tell him and show him how much you love him?

You might be doing all this Skydancer and if you are forgive me.

Of course, there's a school of thought that says a man in his 40s who is still jealous and hankering after being an only child has an issue you can't remedy. Only you know. I hope this works out happily for you all.

Perhaps you could write a letter to him saying what have said to us?

I think it's an issue for your son to deal with, rather than you to keep trying to somehow prove to him.
These kinds of things can only be resolved by the person, usually, unless you have clearly favoured his sister.

I am not sure I agree with MissAdventure. It is a two-sided problem and I understand the problem as DD used to feel like that, I do not think she does now.

So much depends on who and what you are, but can you build up a special interest with your son? anything from architecture to zylophone playing. Develop it gently as if by osmosis. Something you can ring him up about and chat about, go on shared outings, some interest, which is something your daughter doesn't share.

With DD and I, it is textiles and needle crafts. We go to exhibitions and shows, and while she is a good needlewoman, I am enthusuastic but not that good. It has taken time (years) but I think we have now,got there. Last week Ii was telling her about visiting the Christian Dior Museum and just said, without thinking. 'it wasn't the same without you'.

If anyone can now give me hints and tips for dealing with a sister who is convinced I was always the favoured child. I wasn't and although she has begun to accept, can't quite.

I hardly ever phone my DS as he only wants a once-a-week call. He rarely answers if I phone him. He has a high powered job and works long hours. He sets the rules- decides when to visit me and decides when I should visit him. He would never want to talk every day but he often messages. We do have lovely long chats of an hour or so and I’d say are quite close in many ways with the same sense of humour. I barely mention his sister in our conversations though I can hardly not talk about her ever as she’s near me and he obviously knows I’m involved in her life. From the day she was born he was jealous and I’ll admit we probably didn’t deal with it very well - we were young. But both my DS and DD are reasonably friendly and in contact with one another now and again. It’s as if they’re ok together when it’s just them and I often think they’ll be closer once I’m gone. It’s jealousy pure and simple and I’ve never known how to convince him that you can love two people the same. It may change if he has children of his own. It just makes me sad knowing he hurts I suppose.

What dragonfly46 says about about different personalities is so true.

It is a two sided problem but you can't change him. You could change what you do. I agree with Scones in taking every chance you have. Ring him . You don't say how often he rings you or how often you ring him.

My two (48+50) are both a distance from me. My daughter rings 3 - 5 times a week just to do catch up. She refers to ring as she has a busy job and a daughter to look after. I text in between. My son rings about once every month or longer but I text him once a week with my news and to say I love him. He too has said he prefers to ring. They didn't get on with each other as children and never ask about each other when they ring. I keep it that way.

M0nica's advice is good about finding and talking about his interests, or his work perhaps.

Apologies if you have already tried some of these things but I do hope it gives you some food for thought. Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. It’s good to know I’m not alone. I feel sorry for my son as he has a quiet nature whereas his sister is talkative, somewhat demanding and can be difficult. I do admit we’ve done a lot to help her as she struggles with slight depression whereas he’s a cheerful chap. Two totally different personalities. If I’m telling him about my week how can I not mention her. It’s like treading on eggshells sometimes. It’s a shame but I can’t pretend she doesn’t exist when I’m talking to him. You just can’t change how someone perceives something. I remember reading a book by Alan Titchmarsh in which he wrote that when a second child is born a mother’s love doubles not halves. But he was born first and never wanted a sibling so that’s what makes it difficult.

Your posts show clear signs you favour your daughter- she is closer to you, you help her more because of her depression, her personality.....

FGS Hithere there's nothing in the OP's posts to even suggest she favours her D. Her D needs more time and help so that's what she gives her.

Doesn't mean she favours her or prefers her which is what you said in your first post on this thread.

Sometimes someone places themselves at the back of the queue for support because they see you as always needing to have time for the other(s). I wonder if this might be the case here. Even if it isn’t it can make someone feel that the support wouldn’t be so readily forthcoming.

He shouldn`t need convincing,he`s an adult for heavens sake,who sounds to melike an attention seeker.
You should also stop beating yourself up over this,you can`t turn the clocks back so stop letting his thinking get to you,he needs to grow up imo.
It`s not good for the sul to keep thinking what he thinks be it right or wrong,live your life.

I can see this from both sides, I always felt my parents loved my brother more than me and now I hate it when my sons always refer to my middle son as 'the number 1 son'. They all have different personalities but my middle son seems to have got all the good traits from everyone else and he is just chattier, more helpful and more caring. I treat them the same but it's become a standing joke that he's is considered No. 1 and it hurts me to think that they believe that.
What gives you the impression that your son is jealous? Is it comments he makes?

It's often hard for the first child when the second one arrives. And difficult for new parents coping with a second child to find time and resources to manage the transition for the firstborn. My brother was 9 when I arrived and he never forgave me for blasting a hole in his comfortable life where my parents' entire focus was on him all the time. It sounds as though the OP's son was quiet and thoughtful and the daughter a bit of a handful, requiring more attention, which may have meant that son was sidelined whilst they were growing up. Could be he still feels sidelined now. These feelings which we take in as children can be difficult to shake, and they don't always respond to rational examination when we are adults! I would suggest to OP that she focus completely on her son and his own world when they speak on the phone, keep off the subject of his sister, and also make a point of offering to spend exclusive time with her son doing something they both enjoy. Even if he can't or won't take her up on the offer, the fact that she was willing will help. Also ask him for help with some small thing which he can manage in his schedule. Make him feel useful to you and that he can do things which his sister cannot. This may seem like managing small children all over again, and in a way it is. :-)

Sky dancer......you say your son has a strict schedule, calling you once a week so maybe he might not appreciate you calling him in between times. Sounds like he has fairly rigid routines, these probably give him comfort so best not to disturb him and disrupt his routine.

However you say you share the same humour.....can you text him funny jokes, memes or pictures. They will make him smile and let him know that he IS in your thoughts, that your whole world isn't taken up with your daughter, that he does matter to you. Hopefully something like that will reassure him a little and help build a rapport between you.

My youngest son and I exchange cat pictures......silly but he loves cats. We also share jokes, videos and podcasts etc. I can go several weeks without seeing him but we are still very close, in contact most days, even if it's just a picture of cute kittens.

When you do talk on the phone try and have lots of nice interesting things to discuss....that don't involve your daughter. Keep his phone time with you, just for him. Encourage him to open up.....his work, what he does with his spare time.....even the tv programmes he watches. Just keep trying to draw him out. Maybe send him a little gift now and then.....it doesn't need to be expensive ......just a little "saw this and thought of you".

Maybe he has stuff going on in his life and he just needs to feel a little bit special and to know that you think about him.

Does he have other worries perhaps and is therefore feeling extra sensitive right now.....money worries, problems at work, just general stress. Maybe he's just feeling a bit fragile, for whatever reason.

Don't feel guilty about the past, it's over and done with, just concentrate on building up a good rapport with your son.

My late husband always made my 3 feel special because he used to tell oldest daughter she was favourite eldest daughter, middle daughter she was favourite youngest daughter and youngest son he was favourite son. Somehow that made them all feel special although they look back and laugh about it now!

bumblebee34 your post made me laugh. I had thought of doing the same - telling my children separately that they were my favourite. But it's dangerous territory. There are some good suggestions here. It's so difficult as my DD lives near me and DS lives miles away. My DS believes (correctly) that I do a lot for my DD. But he's far more independent and rarely asks for anything. However, when he does, I rush to help. I think it's his perception of things that's the problem and that they are both completely different personalities - so much so that you'd never think they had the same parents.