Hurt as friend barely contacts me now she's found a partner

BlueBelle

I can understand your hurt but yes it does happen
It happened to me and I still feel a bit hurt although it was many years ago I was very close to a lady for quite a few years we shared all our secrets, laughed and cried together, in and out of each other’s houses
One day I was doing an evening meal for a small group of my friends( about 6) most didn’t know each other I didn’t have a lot of money then and cooking for a group was quite an achievement for me I cooked a lovely roast chicken dinner and every one arrived, except this best friend, I kept the food in the oven waiting and waiting, feeling sure she’s was just running late, then as I went through to the kitchen I saw a note had just arrived through my letter box, basically saying sorry she couldn’t make it as a friend had invited her out, I was so upset and cross the next day I sat down and wrote a thoughtfully worded note saying how hurt I d been that she’d kept me and the others waiting couldn’t she have let me know earlier… I got a letter back saying she didn’t think it was that big a thing she d just had an offer to go out and took it We never ever spoke after that and I never saw her again That was about 25 years ago and I still think of her but I can bet my bottom dollar she doesn’t think of me

Sorry to hear of this. I too, had a friend I'd known since the age of 5 when we started school, we'd stayed friends, holidayed together, children, marriage, then myself & my husband supported her through her divorce. I still saw her regularly and we still had a break away every year just ghe two of us
Some years later, by this time both in our early 50s my dad was diagnosed with lung/liver cancer and sadly only lived for 6 more weeks. I'd been due to go on holiday with this friend at the time of dad's diagnosis so of course I cancelled, but she still went, saying "she could really do with a break"!
Needless to say we are no longer friends.

I always remembered my mum’s advice, never drop your friends for a lover, you’ll need them one day. It’s true but in that first starry eyed infatuation so many forget.
Sorry your old friend is so thoughtless, one day she’ll be back and then you can decide whether she’s worth taking up with again.

Sadly I was guilty of ignoring a friend because I was in a relationship way back in my late teens and I can quite honestly say that I didn't realise that I was doing it!
I really don't remember if I turned down times that I could have gone out with my friend or if she just didn't bother to ask me along anymore.
I only know that when the relationship with the guy ended after only about 6 weeks, I was left on my own as my friend had moved on and become closer friends with other girls in our social group and I was very much left out in the cold. I met my now ex husband not long after and emigrated to Australia with him.
The friendship was completely severed and even now she will have nothing to do with me 30 years later.
Maybe it's time to call time on your friendship, you speak to her and tell her how you are feeling left out( where she might accuse you of being jealous), wait a bit longer and see what happens ?
Look around in the meantime and form other friendships but leave the door open .

I think just say to her she is obviously very busy and to contact you re coffee once she has more free time. That leaves the door open. But then forget about her for now and concentrate on other relationships. If she breaks up with the guy I bet she’ll be on the phone to you within days!

oh thanks for this.. my dh died 2 years ago, just a month before the virus struck, I have never had a lot of friends, but.. had one, very close, as described above.. when he first died,, well you can imagine, but I needed to try to get to be independent,, I am quite elderly, though was pretty active and "young" physically and mentally for my age.
now... well it has told on me, as so many of us..
and now.. my really close,best friend, as she was... well just doesn`t have time for me now.. well she has her first gs.. now nearly 2, so I guess until now she has had time for me... now...
ho hum... I am trying very hard to learn to be on my own..

what can I say? Sky dancer? people change,, I guess we expected it when we were kids, we were "in and out " of friends,,, now... harder to make a good, close friend, imo.

This has happened to me but for a different reason (actually no idea why). It was 24 years ago and still hurts if I let it. I'm very sorry for you.

Poor you Skydancer. I really feel your hurt. You found time for friendship whilst in your own relationship and yet she doesn’t reciprocate now she’s in one of her own. That must sting. I’d be tempted to convey your feelings to her. What have you got to lose? You never know it might give her a nudge in a more caring direction.

Oh dear skydancer that does sound very sad. I also understand the feeling of lack of confidence in other relationships. It's a hard one. I think we do change in the face of emotional problems.
Its inevitable.
A lot of people understand so if you want to keep posting.
For what it's worth, please dont go down the rabbit hole of worrying that you should have been wiser or more this or that. It's her way of dealing with life. Nothing you've said or done.

It’s lovely when you’re in it. But very trying for your friends ??

Limerence. I've never come across this word before, so looked up the meaning. Wow. It explains a lot, to me.

I have suggested so many times about meeting up - Zooming etc but to no avail. I just get the odd message saying how busy she is and has this and that problem. I feel as if I've been dumped. It makes me not want to put my faith in anyone as she was the person I trusted the most and who I confided in. I am very hurt and feel my friendship meant nothing to her. However I will say that I have known her do the same thing to two other people so she has "form". I should have perhaps seen it coming.

Besotted limerence I know the feeling, it’s lasted nearly 3 yrs.

I think I’ve kept up with most of my friends, certainly online, probably not face to face for coffee, although I do drop in on them after work for a chat quite often. Inevitably when we join up as a new couple we get extra new friends with our partners friends and family.

Have you contacted her and suggested meeting up for coffee to catch up.

I remember my maiden aunt talking about this problem, skydancer. She and a fellow academic lived in neighbouring university flats on campus and were the best of friends for years. Then my aunt's pal got married and moved off campus. As aunty rather unreasonably didn't want to meet up with pal's husband as well, they saw each other less often.

Give up, while the goings good, Namsnanny
My mum had a close friend who was widowed, like her, and they had a great time going out and about.
They met a really dull, showoff of a man, and used to laugh at some of his tall tales.

Her friend let her down, as they were supposed to be going to my nans for christmas.
First, friend said she had a terrible cold, then more excuses, then she just didn't turn up ready for the trip to my nans.
Mum never got to speak to her again, and it hurt her terribly to find out that her friend had started a relationship with Mr. Showoff.

Ooops! Missed one button = bottom ?

Bkuebelle = Bluebelle ... full = fill

14.24 Bkuebelle... something similar happened to me. Your last sentence also struck a cord.
I still think of her, but I can bet my button dollar she doesnt think of me

Skydancer ...what a shame this 'friend' doesn't have the character to see what a mistake she is making.
There are only the usual answers I'm afraid, move on with your life as soon as you can, and full her space with something new.

Some sort of friend that was BlueBelle people can be so thoughtless.

Love that word 'limerence' Peasblossom had to look it up. I shall try and use it often. I agree with what you said and about the grandchildren issue as well. Sometimes people become self obsessed and forget about their friends.

A year in she’s probably still in the state of besotted limerence?. Apparently it takes about two years for people to return to normal?

If you can grit your teeth I’m sure she’ll be back to herself in the next few months. Then you’ll have to decide whether you can just let it go as an aberration and pick up the friendship.

Just as aside I have for some years now noticed a similar phenomenon when my friends first have grandchildren and for a while have no time or thought for anything or anyone else ?

I quit a couple of friendship by being upset by this but now I know I just have to hold on till it passes?

I can understand your hurt but yes it does happen
It happened to me and I still feel a bit hurt although it was many years ago I was very close to a lady for quite a few years we shared all our secrets, laughed and cried together, in and out of each other’s houses
One day I was doing an evening meal for a small group of my friends( about 6) most didn’t know each other I didn’t have a lot of money then and cooking for a group was quite an achievement for me I cooked a lovely roast chicken dinner and every one arrived, except this best friend, I kept the food in the oven waiting and waiting, feeling sure she’s was just running late, then as I went through to the kitchen I saw a note had just arrived through my letter box, basically saying sorry she couldn’t make it as a friend had invited her out, I was so upset and cross the next day I sat down and wrote a thoughtfully worded note saying how hurt I d been that she’d kept me and the others waiting couldn’t she have let me know earlier… I got a letter back saying she didn’t think it was that big a thing she d just had an offer to go out and took it We never ever spoke after that and I never saw her again That was about 25 years ago and I still think of her but I can bet my bottom dollar she doesn’t think of me