My daughter-in-law dominates my son

My DL is very domineering and has never wanted much to do with me or the rest of the family. She’s all her family. I find her very selfish and I’ve seen how she bosses my son around. I keep quiet. My son is big enough to look after himself. He’s a gentle soul but when he’s had enough he’ll say something but when he does then is his wife wants to leave him and take the children. I don’t interfere but listen when my son wants to talk. That’s all I can do.

I can’t believe the cruel sexist remarks made against men. I can only assume people making them have no empathy at all. If any men are reading this site please note and never show any vulnerability.

Sad when relationships of those close to us are troubled, but they are those peoples relationships and they have to find their owns ways of dealing with the flaws. Support your son by all means but remember any words of critisism can never be unsaid.

Unfortunately all you can do is be there for him. My youngest used to be with someone similar. He would work long night shift hours 60hrs she would wake him because he hadn’t done nothing in house. Yet he never stopped he was always doing housework shopping and looking after his daughter. he lost so much weight she used to time him coming home from work or if he visit me. She would be on phone wanting him to go home and he had my granddaughter with him. I saw granddaughter loads too. He told me he couldn’t take much more. I told him if got to bad he knew where I was. Few weeks later He came home with his stuff. She was so bitter after he left she used my granddaughter as a weapon we lost contact of my granddaughter. He was with her 6yrs.

Summerlove,

I am in your same position, I am sure my ILs may not like me that much

Their son changed diet habits (on his own), consult and make decisions with me instead of his parents, he became westernized and he is not sending as much money as they would like, refuses to participate in family drama and tells them to fix their problems themselves, etc....

Behind closed doors, " whatever you decide is good" was the default answer when we tried to make decisions together, even when we were dating

PB said if very wisely - it is all part of a pattern of behaviour

Well it's not "a mark of a man" IMO love0c and if the OP's d.i.l. is manipulative and controlling, as well a bully it's hardly a good environment to be raising children in.

For those on this thread who think the OP's son
is 'whinging to mummy and daddy' and needs to man up, I suggest you take the time to read up about the insidious and destructive nature of coercive control.

This looks as of it could be an emotionally abusive relationship. If the OP was talking about her D rather than her son, would your view that she should put her children's happiness before her own still stand love0c?

Children are better off dividing their time between two happy parents then living with both, in what can become a toxic atmosphere where one or both are miserable.

The fear of losing contact with their children is real for many, especially fathers. Children should never be used as pawns in the games both or either of their parents are prepared to play, but unfortunately some are.

No.Peasblossom is spot on.He should be talking to the wife not belly aching to Daddy and Mummy.

It’s interesting
Once upon a time my in-laws would have said I was controlling everything in our family. DHs sibling was convinced they’d never seen him so miserable. That he was letting me be unfair to his family.

We have no idea where that idea came from. Perhaps an occasional complaint? They complained I’d changed him.

What they didn’t see was him quietly agreeing with me. Choosing not to do things as his family had done previously. It was all seen as him being weak. I found that so insulting.

What it was was him having support to not just fall in line.

But I was labeled the bitch who stole him for years. The bitch who dominated him.

I would leave well alone.

If your son cannot abide how he is treated by his wife, he can leave.

My daughter's MIL messaged me to inform me that she didn't like the way that my daughter spoke to her son.

I already knew that he had demanded that my daughter abort her last pregnancy or he would leave her (she went ahead with the pregnancy, he didn't leave). MIL wasn't aware of this.

I approached my daughter to broach the subject of how she spoke to her partner - it came out that he wasn't giving her his fair share of money towards the household because he was spending hundreds a week on drugs and prostitution. My daughter was seriously struggling emotionally and financially.

I had no idea.

I helped my daughter to extricate her way out of that relationship because she was frightened of his threats.

He thought that he had trapped her and could live as he pleased with a minimal contribution to the household expenses.

Since he left my daughter has had debt collection agencies chasing after him and also found out he has another two children she knew nothing about.

You never know what is going on behind closed doors.

'Man up'? Staying with your wife, staying quiet, keeping her sweet in order to keep your children. That is the mark of 'A Man' in my opinion. Not everyone is willing to 'Man up', to put their children's happiness before their own.

This sounds exactly like my son and his partner except he has left the relationship on a couple of occasions and come home to us when things got really bad. He returned the next day because he is terrified of losing the children. Unfortunately his partner sent me all sorts of quite aggressive messages when my son came home. I didn’t reply because the argument was between the two of them. However she does not speak to me at the moment and that means seeing my grandchildren is very difficult. I have suggested counselling to my son but that has not happened. He is not assertive at all and the whole situation is a huge worry.

He needs to man up. He needs to tell her quietly that he doesn't like the way she treats him. She will probably respect this.

He had 3 choices
Leave her
Stay as it is
Stand up to her and tell her it is unacceptable and marriage is an equal partnership. Challenge her when she tries to bully him and make changes.
As grandparents stay out of it completely or if they part you may loose all contact

anna7

Not very kind Peasblossom. Is a son not allowed to discuss a problem that is making him unhappy with his parents? If the son was a daughter who was talking a problem over with her parents would that be 'whining to mummy and daddy' too?

when its his wife? no. And of course vice versa

I'd just like to say that topics discussed like this are fabulous! So much hard won wisdom distilled.

I have suffered the same problems with 1 dil and they are now separated. Men need to stand up to their partners and make joint decisions which make them both happy and not keep telling them what to do and who they can see etc. It works both ways and the more power a bossy woman has, she will use it.

Not other rooms, No idea how that popped n.

EMMF1948

anna7

Not very kind Peasblossom. Is a son not allowed to discuss a problem that is making him unhappy with his parents? If the son was a daughter who was talking a problem over with her parents would that be 'whining to mummy and daddy' too?

Of course it wouldn't, it seems that the sexist hypocrisy of other sites is alive and well here too. It does appear that in many households the female rules the roost, along with her family. The male is expected to 'support' her, ie agree with whatever she says, irrespective of his own opinions. The fact remains that where there are children the woman has the whip hand, far too often the children are weaponised when she can't have exactly what she wants.

I think you’ll find I immediately said that it would be exactly the same if a daughter was going to her parents to sort out her relationship problems.

Yes I was sarcastic and I regret my acidity. It wasn’t helpful.

Nevertheless I stand by my analysis, that the son is displaying a pattern of behaviour in which he turns to other rooms to deal with the difficulties of his life. His wife (who has now taken charge of everything) and his parents (who are also used to stepping in to smooth things out for him).

It is very rare that behaviour patterns exist in isolation. That is why people can behave quite differently indifferent social settings.

For any one person’s behaviour to change, those around them may have to consider the possibility of change as well.

Would it be the same reaction if it was a daughter seeking support because of a bullying husband?
Purely a personal opinion but I often think it's not bullying, it's coercive control and either party can be guilty of that.

I think it's a good thing that your son can talk about it etc, even if there's very little that you can do. In fact, I'd suggest that the best way forward is to suggest that your son seeks counselling....that may help him become more assertive in his relationship.

As someone else commented, I'm also not convinced that 'good mothers' are bullies to anyone! Children growing up watching someone being controlled.....?

I think that if her mother was "domineering" , your DiL may not realise that there is any other way to be a wife!
It's really good that your son feels that he can talk to his dad but neither you, or your husband can really give any opinion on the matter beyond being a sounding board.
I have seen so many marriages where one of the couple really refused to make a decision as and when needed on anything, beyond muttering "do as you like" . Are you absolutely sure that your son, when asked for his opinion hasn't done the same ?
If your son is so unhappy, it is up to him to tell his wife and see if there is any compromise that they can reach. Either that or it might be better that they separate . BUT he must tell your DiL just what he is thinking. It may end up in a huge row, or it may bring DiL up short - she may well be frustrated in his lack of input and it is making her worse, as she can see no point in actually asking about anything! It might seem quicker to her to make decisions rather than your son waffling as a lot of men seem to do !
Is there any way you could take the children for a day and your DS and DiL spend some time as a couple?

you say you have a good relationship with DIL so dont spoil it be interfering just be there for both of them

I love my daughter in law, tell her so regularly and support her in every way. If she could be called bossy, so be it. My son's life is so much better now and she has steered him in positive directions that I never could. He has an extremely strong character but, he loves his 'wifey' and kids more than anything.

Either he'll accept the situation and just do as he's told or, one day, he'll leave. I doubt that she'll ever change, whatever he does. It's his problem to sort out.

It's a really tough one but you have to remember that he chose her and if he doesn't like the way she treats him it's up to him to do something - not you.

Peasblossom

Well there we are. She’s domineering, he’s a grown man who, instead of sorting out his own relationships goes off whining to mummy and daddy to sort it out for him.

And mummy and daddy are ready to step in and “help”.

He’s unhappy. I don’t expect she’s very happy either.

Is there really any need for the sarcastic "mummy and daddy" remark