My Partner Hates My Adult Children

You must feel between a rock and a hard place Lisa. You've been married for 7 years so your AC were 7 years younger when you tied the knot and depending on how long you'd been together before you got married, were younger still when you first met.

Despite not being a mother herself, your wife must have been aware of the close relationship you have with your AC, she'd have seen it first hand so for both your sake's it's a shame she didn't give this more thought before.

You need to have a conversation with her about this. About how it makes you feel and your AC, when she's slamming doors and in general behaving like a spoiled child rather than the adult she is.

As has already been suggested, she could stay elsewhere if she doesn't want to be around if one of your children needs to stay. Tell her you're OK with that but not OK with her making you and your child feel uncomfortable.

I do think Pepper has a point, this could escalate into none of your AC wanting to visit which could be a disaster for your relationship with them.

I'm sorry to say, this relationship is not going to work. Children are forever. Your partner cannot stand them in what seems like her house. You seem to have no say. It looks like she is going to throw a strop every time they want to visit. Your children will soon stop visiting( if they haven't already). You need to give serious thought as to the future. Sadly, you need to make a choice as your partner is too set in their ways to change now.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’ve been there too. Tried everything - counsellors, the lot. I never understood why my husband felt the way he did - and does - about my family. Tied myself in knots. Was it jealousy? Was it because he has no kids of his own? Never got to the bottom of it. Having tried to compromise in any way I could, we finally separated. There was no reason for his animosity towards them at all. They’re all hardworking, respectful, polite people who tried to include him as much as they could. They are all great parents.
I was placed in an awful position. Ultimately, only one option was open to me.
Since then, he has embarked on at least two relationships, both with women who have families. He is now alone - I think.
I too am alone, and sometimes very lonely. But there was no way round the problem. I really loved him and still miss him a lot, but the strain was just unbearable.

She's never had children of her own. That's the "problem". She hasn't been a parent, probably doesn't understand the relationship between parent and child (however old they are). I'd never put anyone before my own kids - they're 40 and 37 now, but like most mums, I'd do anything for them. Your lady doesn't understand that. If she can't make allowances, she perhaps needs to go elsewhere whilst your own children stay at your place.

Like some other posters I would look at trying compromises in this situation. Of course your wife knew you had children LisaP but the reality of having them in your lives is quite different. You need to be clear about the strain this is putting on your relationship and that you will always be there for them. You say your children have been quite needy at times so maybe a talk with them would also be a good idea. It's difficult for people who don't have children to understand sometimes the ongoing responsibilities of parenthood even with adult children. Don't give up on your relationship you deserve a life of your own now.

I have started to go to my eldest sons house to see him and the grandchildren alone. She is happy with that.

Why not just do that? It's what I prefer with my bloke and his 'dear' daughter. I have no problems with them spending all the time they want together. No jealousy whatsoever on my part. I would just rather not be included. Every now and then, he drags me along, and then no one is happy. DD goes out of her way with the 'my daddy' performance, which is for my benefit. I'm more than capable of ignoring the performance, but would much rather just leave them to it.

As with my bloke, he now is alone for a large proportion of his time. Children grow up (even the most reluctant) and eventually have their own lives. It would be a shame for you to break up what is otherwise a good relationship, for the sake of just living apart.

Please put yourself and your children first. I witnessed this situation play out with a friend who eventually became a nervous wreck and lost touch with her two sons. Her partner wanted my friend all to himself and became more and more controlling.

Kittye

I don’t know why you are with her, she sounds a jealous, self centred controlling person. My children would always come first no matter what age they are. You sound like a nice person, you deserve better

I totally agree - no one would come between me and my (now adult) children, no one. I just couldn't bear to live with a partner who didn't get on with and accept my children. I agree with others that her behaviour would be a huge red flag to me - she sounds selfish and controlling; your poor children must dread visiting you. I would let her know that because of her childish behaviour, she has given you no option but to chose between her and your children and the children come first. I think you need to live separately. I just couldn't love someone if they were so intolerant towards my family.

You don't mention how old your partner is OP unless I have missed it, but sighing slamming doors and silent treatment sounds very juvenile.

Sorry Nezum I didn't make it clear. Her own mother had custody of the 2 teenaged DC after a bitter divorce, so she, the teenager, was actually demanding to stay with her DF and his new partner and ended up helping nobody, not even herself.
I visited once during that time and the hostile and miserable environment was palpable.
As an aside - this was years ago. The "new" family are no longer together and the DF is on to his third relationship with even more DC. The teenager has long since grown, and has her own family.....

I don’t know why you are with her, she sounds a jealous, self centred controlling person. My children would always come first no matter what age they are. You sound like a nice person, you deserve better

I guess grandchildren are one step removed as far as she is concerned and they are unlikely to be needing so much attention and time from you?

Ah sorry just seen you have grandchildren already

That’s really sad. I knew before you even said it that she didn’t have any children. Once a parent always a parent .
Me and my husband have 5 adult children between us and grandchildren. I would say I’m closer to his daughters than he is to my sons but we both totally respect they are the most important things in the world to us.
Having said that, we do talk to each other first before planning stuff with them. Obviously emergencies aside that is.
I knew instinctly that I would never be able to be in a relationship where one of us would have no idea or experience of the difficulties and pleasures of having brought up children.
That probably sounds very harsh.
Do you really want to be on tenterhooks every time there is a conflict of interests? What is going to happen when there are grandchildren running around your home?

It doesn’t sound like you’ll get the happy families you want. How would you/she feel about you (for example) going to stay at your sons for Xmas while leaving her behind? If it would work for you both could be a solution

She may have accepted them while she was dating you and not understood the reality of family life. Sounds like jealousy to me but what do I know. Come what May, you can’t carry on like this. Is she worth it? Only you know the answer.

I am not the type of person who just tells someone what is happening.
We had a conversation prior to Christmas about my son coming and she was on board with that.
Just like every other time one of my children comes .. we have discussed it prior. It’s only when they are here does she bring up that she’s not happy with them being here.
Then she makes it pretty obvious that they aren’t welcome. Slamming doors, sighing and giving everyone the silent treatment.
I do have a daughter too. Same treatment.
I don’t think for a second that she hates them. I did say that’s too strong a word for anyone.
The hardest thing is being caught in the middle trying to keep everyone happy.
I have started to go to my eldest sons house to see him and the grandchildren alone. She is happy with that.
It’s just a hard one. She knew I had three adult children. She knows I enjoy my relationship with them. And she knows I don’t want to lose that. She also knows it’s hard for me in the middle.
Some more talking needs to happen I think.

It’s not that unusual for a teenager to still be living in their parents home Grammaretto?

If she hasn’t had children does she just think that adult children have zero ties to their parents? Or it could be as Amber said and that they are a reminder of your previous life. She could also be narcissistic, or autistic or introverted. In many ways it doesn’t matter if there’s a reason, you just need to find out whether you can come to an agreement that works for both of you.

I think you’ll have to talk to her. Explain where your line is - for me any attempt to control access to my children would be a final straw but we will all have our own lines.

It isn't easy but from what you say your DW has no or very little experience of sharing her space with anyone besides her one and only.
Did she come to the marriage with no "Baggage" at all?
She sounds naive treating your AC as unwanted guests.

I have several friends who are in a similar boat with their new partners' AC.

The lengths these AC will go to to get and keep their parents' attention are astonishing.

They resolve it by keeping the warring parties apart as much as possible though in one case the angry jealous teenager insisted on living with them in their cosy love nest with her baby half-brother.
They had family therapy but according to my DF the wicked stepmother it didn't resolve a thing. What actually resolved it was the teenager found a boyfriend and interests away from home.

I see from a subsequent post she hasn't had children and isn't maternal, but is happy for grandchildren to come and stay, interesting! because depending on their age they can cause more disruption around the home than a quiet adult working away in the bedroom on a laptop.

I think, depending on our age, you don't say how old you both are, some increasingly like to retreat into the peace and quiet of the home, I can empathise with that, but you son staying for a couple of days was a fleeting visit, maybe she fears him moving in again. As for "I do too much for my children" well join the very big club in that respect. You kind of have to live the whole parent experience to understand that one! and she's very much on the outside looking in and not fully appreciating the family dynamics.

She must have known you had children when you got together, surely. You all came as a package.
Sit yourselves down and be calmly honest with each other about every aspect of your relationship. When you have those answers you can go from there.

LisaP I've read the first page - one thing you don't say is whether you discussed your son coming to stay with you both before he actually came. Just reading your comments, it does appear that your children treat the "joint" home as just yours. That's unfair. She should have a say in when they come and for how long.

Blossoming

She sounds narcissistic, jealous and controlling. So many red flags. I think couples counselling may be worth a try, but if it were me I think I’d end the relationship.

Me too.

I actually think your partner doesn't hate your children and is not jealous... Doesn't like change, doesn't like routine disrupted, has social anxiety, understands she has a problem but cannot stop herself protesting disruption to her life no matter how seemingly minor to you...

I think she sounds like an adult with undiagnosed autism