My Partner Hates My Adult Children

Also - and I’m saying this as a gay woman - it might be that she sees your children as remnants of a straight marriage and finds it threatening or just really at odds with how she wanted her life to be. I’ve seen it happen and it’s really unfortunate.

I think it's a deal breaker, as you say "I had three children when we met, I still have three children" My husband had two children from a first marriage when we got together 37 or so years ago, I've been lucky in my relationship with them, and the grandchildren that have come along. I know that is not always the case, nevertheless they were there first. They can't just go away and it's a fact, adult children do boomerang back to the family home for various reasons, I had those two children stay with us from time to time before they established their own homes and then our own two have been backwards and forwards at different times also. I a have our own fairly young grandchildren stay every other week end so I know what it's like to have your home taken over, but I also find there's a heightened sense of pleasure when peace and calm is restored.

Your son, as you describe him, doesn't sound too much trouble of course it's important adult children clear up after themselves, all that needs to be ironed out and as a courtesy, try and agree Christmas arrangements and overnight stays with your other half beforehand. However, if she won't countenance any visits, then I'd say you're stuffed and you have to put it to her your ongoing relationship with them is non negotiable. I see you have been together 7 years, so she must have been used to them being around in the first place but it seems she is increasingly losing her rag of late, I think you need in depth discussions around that. I would put it to her "don't make me choose because, as a mother I will choose them" . You don't say whether she is a parent herself, if not, she may not fully appreciate the mother/child bond. The last thing you want is to end up estranged from your children it will be a massive source of resentment and could quite possibly ruin your relationship with her anyway.

Sometimes 2nd time around relationships with baggage work better when each party has their own home and can retreat there alone in times of stress. I think that's the only workable scenario for some with adult children. I do know one couple who have managed to keep their relationship going very well but with separate homes and exclusive times with their own grown up children and grandchildren without melding the whole lot together. That works for them. Horses for courses and all that!

I wish you all the best in sorting this considerable dilemma out.

It sounds like jealousy, she wants you all to herself with no competition for your affections, you are probably going to have to choose between her and your children.

She is trying to be the dominant partner maybe it’s time to assert yourself.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Honestly, it’s not worth the hassle with her. It doesn’t sound like it’s working - you have your priorities and she doesn’t like them. She knew you were a package deal when you met, but it sounds like she was hoping to change you.

She sounds narcissistic, jealous and controlling. So many red flags. I think couples counselling may be worth a try, but if it were me I think I’d end the relationship.

It’s would be better for your health to be in your own space and see your family whenever you want. You simply cannot live with hostility when your family are around it’s not fair. It’s too much to expect you are a supportive mum you can’t change and why should you.

It sounds like you’d be happier living apart, since neither of you is happy with the way things are.

Do you have enough funds to rent somewhere while you sort it all out. Maybe move in with your son for a bit?

It doesn’t mean the relationship is at an end. You’ve tried living together and it doesn’t work. But apart might bring back the love that was there before.

Take a leaf out of Gagajo book. ?

What an awful situation to put you in she sounds jealous of your relationship with your children . I totally agree you should be there for your children a serious talk is needed as you are looking at a pretty miserable future if the only time you get along is when in her little bubble and she has you all to herself I can't think of a more miserable existence

A few thoughts going through my mind...
Had you discussed the plans for Christmas or did you just tell your wife you'd invited your son?
Does he help round the house, eg load the dishwasher, take a turn preparing a meal, share the work load?
Do you think your wife would be similarly jealous if your children were daughters?

It's very interesting that you say she's ok with your grandchildren coming to stay! Do they come without their parents?

Our three children have all needed to move back home for varying lengths of time and various reasons.
My Mum always said we do too much for them. Well having had parents who rarely put themselves out for us, we are happy to do so.

I hope you can resolve this LisaP as it must be heartbreaking for you and it sounds like it's making you quite angry now.

I have a DD myself, and a DGS who lives with me. I say this to qualify myself as a parent.

BUT. I don't get on with my blokes adult DD. He has 2 children. A DS and a DD. His DS is no problem. Lives his own life, independently as an adult.

His DD however, has always exerted herself to make sure she is the main person in his life, even when she doesn't actually want to spend time with him. I think she sees me as a threat. I have no idea why. I don't want to prevent them from spending time together, ever. The one time we tried to live together, she went out of her way to force me out again. I'll never try that again.

He isn't aware she does it. OR if he is, he's in denial. She is his beloved and he can see no wrong in her I'm not saying you're in denial LisaP, but it is possible you're oblivious to the implicit challenges of your children to your partner.

I've adjusted my expectations of my partner. We live apart and now I'm not a threat to her anymore, she has more or less discarded her DF, other than needing him in emergencies, for occasional financial aid. The sad thing about this is that it is him that has suffered from it. I'm fine. He is very lonely now.

Obviously, as the parent, it is up to you what you do. But I do think expecting your DW to put up with adult children living with her for months at a time is a bit much. Totally different if you live apart from her. You're not wrong for wanting to do it, but she isn't wrong either for not wanting them there.

If in every other way, you and your wife are happy, why not just live apart?

I don't think your partner hates your children LisaP or at least I didn't hear that in any of your posts. I think what she hates is your children coming to stay.

Is she an introvert? I see signs of that in your description of her - no real need for friends, didn't want children, doesn't like change, wants her house to be a haven, can't relax when there are people around. I recognise this as these are traits I share.

As an introvert I really need my home as I want it (perhaps selfish, but I'm a grown up, it's my house and I know what I need to stay on an even keel). Home alone is my haven from the world and the only place I can truly relax and be myself. I have stopped having overnight visitors (even one night) as I am on alert, tense and scratchy all the time they are here and it is exhausting for me and I'm sure not very pleasant for them.

You don't think she hasn't always felt like this, so perhaps the Covid isolation has made her realise how much of an introvert she is and how much she likes her own space. Perhaps she's just got a bit older and tuned into her own needs.

When you got together your children were already well into adulthood and she could reasonably have assumed that, whilst they might come to stay for short spells, moving back in for several months was unlikely. Perhaps she felt that because she loves you, she could handle having people around now and then for short stays. Maybe your son's six months stay has revealed her boundaries and your son's recent stay has reminded her how unhappy she is when her haven is taken away from her by visitors.

You obviously love her and your children and want them all to be happy. Are there ways you could work around this to meet all your needs. Could you have an agreement that your children will only stay one night at a time, and when they do she could arrange to be elsewhere or have something (a hobby or project) to do in another room for some of the time they are there so she can retreat into her haven? I do hope you can resolve this.

You are in a very difficult situation and sincerely hope you can resolve this. Your wife must understand that your AC are and always will be in your life. I think making herself scarce when they arrive is a sound idea. Having said that I agree with Germanshepherdsmum that you must never become estranged from your children to please your wife. Couple counselling may be the answer , if she refused that idea - I fear you have your answer !!! Good luck.

My DH handles it by opting out of social occasions involving my adult children, so yesterday I spent the day with my family and he stayed at home quite happily. Similarly his daughter never comes to our house, but I am quite happy for him to go and stay at hers.
We have made lots of compromises over the years, and some sacrifices too, but our children are still an important part of our lives.
I hope you can reach a compromise,

I couldn’t live with someone who made it clear to my adult son (similar age to your eldest) that they didn’t want him around. If I had to make a choice then the partner would go. There is something very special and unique about a mother’s love for her children. This woman is incredibly jealous, selfish and insecure. People like that don’t change. Please don’t end up with unhappy estranged children to satisfy her neediness.

eazybee

It is painfully obvious that your partner is jealous of your relationship with your sons and she is trying to make you choose between her and them. And I think it is obvious too that you have almost decided which is the most important.

From what you have said your partner seems insecure and possessive and unlikely to attempt to accommodate your family relationships. If it isn't your sons it will be your friends, although you have admitted you do too much for them. Sorry, but you also come across as rather inflexible and uncompromising: 'she will have to find a way or find the door', 'it's her issue, not mine.'

Actually it is a joint issue, but I don't think either of you is capable of resolving it, so best to end the relationship as amicably as possible.

You don’t know me. You don’t know if I’m inflexible or not. I’m not by the way.
It this IS her issue. She has to find a way to handle this. She even admits that.

How awful for you. You’re going to have to make some serious decisions about this. She can’t be allowed to dictate whether your children are in your life or not. - it’s bullying and controlling.

I have 3 adult step children., they don’t live with us but they need their dad and I do my best for them. I knew when I met him that his children were part of the package. I sadly don’t have any children but I treat my nieces and nephews as like my own and I would fight for them and they are a big part of my life and nobody will change that.
I do my best for my DHs children and grandchildren- sometimes they annoy me when they stay with us but I keep it to myself as it’s my issue for me to deal with.

Life is too short for you to spend it living like this and walking on eggshells in your own home. If your wife can’t and won’t accept your children in your life then thing will have to change. Ok maybe you’ll feel lonely on your own but better that than bullied and controlled in your own home.
Good luck

It is painfully obvious that your partner is jealous of your relationship with your sons and she is trying to make you choose between her and them. And I think it is obvious too that you have almost decided which is the most important.

From what you have said your partner seems insecure and possessive and unlikely to attempt to accommodate your family relationships. If it isn't your sons it will be your friends, although you have admitted you do too much for them. Sorry, but you also come across as rather inflexible and uncompromising: 'she will have to find a way or find the door', 'it's her issue, not mine.'

Actually it is a joint issue, but I don't think either of you is capable of resolving it, so best to end the relationship as amicably as possible.

get rid of her, it will never work and will ruin your wellbeing.....

Unfortunately you both have different outlooks you are a mum and believe that a mum is a mum for life (as I do) your wife has no children and is probably very jealous of your relationship with your children which she will never have or understand
So you have to sit down and have a very honest talk she needs to know you are not walking away from your children, and if they want to visit they will always be welcome and she has a choice she can go away for the weekend, week or whatever time frame they are coming for, or she can stop moaning and look upon them in a more friendly way ( if she loves you she will make an effort) or the third option is you can part
You say she felt like her home was not her own but it isn’t hers you say quite clearly it’s a shared home not belonging to one or other
I had one live in partner who was very very jealous of my three grown, but not fully flown, children, He acted like a spoilt child and once when I served my son his dinner plate before him, he went off to bed !!!
Needless to say although we staggered on for a bit it eventually ended, although through something else completely ?

When you met, formed a relationship and married, you had children that were clearly an important part of your life, so it was quite clear you came as a package deal. Did you never discuss this when you were going out together and contemplating marriage? Does she feel insecure and see your children as a threat to your relationship? In a way it is the behaviour of someone who wants to control the relationship and exclude your children.

I confess I get really irritated with people who cause a problem, won't discuss it and then usually follow that up by complaining that every one keeps blaming them for the problem.

If she doesn't want to talk about it. You have got to spell it out to her, quite clearly: you and your children are a package, you had them when you dated, you had them when you married and you have them still and nothing has changed and nothing is going to change. It is up to her to discuss the subject or take part in couple counselling on the issue.

Thanks everyone. You have confirmed what I have been thinking.
She didn’t always feel this way. At least I don’t think so.
Look. My children have been quite needy over the years, each with their own issues and needs. What kind of parent would I be if I wasn’t there for them.
I will not let anyone come between the relationships my children and I have built over the years.
She just doesn’t like anything to change in her own self limiting bubble.
She will either have to find a way or find the door. Because this is her issue, not mine.

Maybe some sort of family mediation or therapy might help?. Your wife is putting you in a very difficult position. Did she always feel this way about your family?

I would not tolerate a partner who didn’t like my adult children. It would ruin the relationship for me.

She can’t stand to have him visiting for four days? I think she needs to live alone.

Anyone who marries a partner who already has a family should understand that those bonds are for life. Apparently your wife didn’t understand this.

OP I am presuming your partner has no children of their own because if they had had they would understand the bond between parent and child
I can offer no solution but nothing or no one would come between me and my children and your partner does sound a little unreasonable and jealous.
We had our own son come to live with us after a marriage breakup he stayed a couple of years and we did gently get him to find his own place but he was welcome at all times and always will be.