My Partner Hates My Adult Children

This post was started on 27 December 2021.

BlueBelle

This thread is 4 years old I m sure decisions have been made and acted on but we ll probably never know absolutely no point in giving more advice the poster has not posted a update for 4 years.

Let’s see how many carry on commenting on a 5 year old thread. I’m betting at least half a dozen.
It always shows how many people don’t read the thread.

I could never have another relationship now, would not be told whom I could see. As for slamming doors etc. No way.
she sounds jealous and controlling.

I think your partner is asking you to choose, whether she has said this outright or not. I’m afraid any partner of mine ( I haven’t one at present) would always take second place to my children and grandchildren and if they couldn’t see that they would be on the other side of the door PDQ.

Having left a controlling relationship she sounds pretty controlling to me and that’s never a pleasant quality .

Blencathra

Whatever age your children are they are your children and you had them first - she knew that you were a package. I would always put my children first and would make that plain to her.

This ^

Reported.

This thread is 4 years old I m sure decisions have been made and acted on but we ll probably never know absolutely no point in giving more advice the poster has not posted a update for 4 years.

Read “stepmonster” stats show that putting your kids first when they are adults is a sabotage move that doesn’t help you or your grown children. The priority should change as kids turn into adults

Blended families aren’t as simple as people like to pretend. Even experts point out that the word “blended” sets up an unrealistic expectation, as if everyone is supposed to naturally merge into one happy unit.

When one partner has adult children and the other doesn’t have children at all, that dynamic can be especially complex. There isn’t the same opportunity to build a parental bond over time, so expecting instant closeness or full emotional integration isn’t always realistic.

Choosing a partner who has adult children doesn’t automatically mean choosing to prioritize those adult children—especially when there is no existing relationship or shared history. In many cases, those individuals are essentially strangers to the new partner, and relationships with strangers take time, willingness, and mutual effort to develop. They can’t be forced into something deeper overnight.

If someone without children chooses to fully embrace that role, that’s incredibly generous, but it shouldn’t be assumed or required. Not everyone is naturally suited to step into family dynamics they didn’t help create, especially when those relationships are already fully formed.

It can also create an imbalance if the partnership isn’t prioritized. When children are grown, maintaining a strong, autonomous adult relationship becomes essential. Otherwise, the relationship can start to feel uneven or unstable.

And it’s important to say this clearly: if someone feels uncomfortable sharing their living space with an adult child, that does not make them a bad person. It doesn’t make them selfish or lacking. Treating someone as though it does is unfair and, frankly, cruel. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries around their home, their space, and what they can realistically handle.

It’s not about rejecting anyone, it’s about being honest about what is actually sustainable. People without children shouldn’t be expected to give up their sense of peace, space, or identity to accommodate dynamics they didn’t choose.

If they do, that’s above and beyond. But it has to come from willingness, not expectation. That’s just my experience- but I def suggest reading “Stepmonster” it’s so helpful.

Get rid! Nobody would come before my children she sounds horrible

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Sighing and slamming doors and the silent treatment sounds very childish to me, how old is this woman! So it’s everytime one of your children come over, I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with that! Doesn’t sound as though you can play happy families, you say that she feels like her home is not her home, well it’s not just her home it yours too

Reported

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Banban55

Hi Lisa,
I know you posted this a while ago. I have the same issues and wonder how it’s going with you and if you ever sorted it.
If you did how?

why not post your own thread instead of posting on an old one

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I have lived with a similar situation to yours for many years. My son also had to move in with us for several months as he was unwell. My second husband found this very difficult and I was torn apart trying to please both of them. As a mother my son will always come first. With hindsight perhaps I should have moved out of the marital home as it has all rumbled on. My son and husband didn't speak to each other for some years and I just lived with the stress of them both complaining to me about the other. I eventually told my husband that my son will always be a major part of my life. Things are calmer now, but like others here I have noticed my husband doesn't like other people around. He has no friends and no one comes to the house. I hope you find a workable way forward.

I must say I'm amazed that anyone would permit children or grandchildren to be shouted at in their own home as Hetty did. The person would try to do it once, then out. I don't like controlling people or shouty, it's bullying.

Jealousy reaps out from your thread.

Ive been through similar with the very outspoken I have 2 children and I will always have 2 children. which was known about from the very start.

If your partner has no children then that understanding can't possibly be there, but that is not a excuse. They are your children, end of.

It is an extremely unlovable situation you have been placed in, nil understanding, jealous and very selfish..

Hi Lisa,
I know you posted this a while ago. I have the same issues and wonder how it’s going with you and if you ever sorted it.
If you did how?

It's quite clear that she will have to adjust and change her outlook. I wonder what her own childhood was like? Is she repeating learned patterns?

My last partner (who lived elsewhere) was verbally shouty/hostile/nasty to my grandson, who lived with me. I thought he was just jealous and controlling, somehow 'protecting' me - and didn't have a clue, despite being a father of three.

Later, I realised that his own unhappy childhood meant the behaviour was habit and quite 'normal' to him. I corrected him every single time he started, reminded him that I was the grandparent (doing the parenting) so he'd better be polite or go home.

I said it was our home, none of his business and he was just a guest etc. - until, eventually, he changed.

Perhaps, LisaP, you'd be happier with your own home, where you can rule the roost and set the rules?

When a marriage ends, either through divorce or death, the children experience a variety of emotions. If it's divorce they will blame the new partner for the breakdown of their parents' marriage and when a parent dies they will sometimes accuse the surviving parent of being "unfaithful" or forgetting the deceased parent too soon. These feelings can occur even when the children are adults.

In those circumstances the "new" partner can often feel left out.

Examples of estranged parents and children occur all the time in these fora.

This must be so difficult for you to resolve. I do think your wife sounds somehow scared she will loose you to your children which causes her to become anxious and so she behaves badly. Has she experienced abandonment? A really hard, honest open conversation needs to be had to understand each others needs and worries. Otherwise you may loose each other

I would not be told how often I see my children. So tge inevitable would happen.

I think it’s a bit unfair Pepper to suggest that the OP has no say.

I’m sure from her partners point of view she has all the say.

I mean the son did stay there for six months and came for Christmas whether the OPs wife liked it or not.

Go off for the day or the weekend yes. Find another place to live for six months when it’s actually half your house?

Honestly I think they just aren’t compatible in the way they like to live. Better to sell up and be together separately.